Friday, 3 October 2014

Friday 02/10/14

On Monday at some point during the daytime, somewhere between slumber, sunbathing and depression, my friends DA and DJ message me and tell me about this website where you pay a bunch of cash, they send you a test kit to collect your DNA, you send it back, and 4-6 weeks later they send you an ancestry report, breaking down what your ethnic background is.

The list of potential results is:

Obviously, I immediately pay for this online.

I was born in Greece. As far as I know and as far as my parents know, all my ancestors are Greek. There is no reason whatsoever as to why the result will not come back as 95%+ Southern European.

As soon as I’ve ordered this, I text my friend Sterling.

Me: I have ordered a kit from a website that analyses your DNA via a sample of saliva and tells you which parts of the world your ancestry is from.

Sterling: I have heard of this thing. I am predicting 75% Greek, 25% bro.

Me: I am aiming for a Northern European result of 50%+. If I don’t get this, I will hang myself.

Sterling: Why are you putting yourself through this?

Me: I need more reason to self-loathe. But I also have a secret hope that I’m not genetically Greek

Sterling: Fingers crossed

Now we wait. What would you do if you had 4-6 weeks left to live?


Greg said...
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Greg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anapestic said...

Let's do a 2x2 matrix of possible outcomes to your genetic test (>50% northern European, or something else) and immediate actions (kill yourself now, or something else). Analyzing this, if you don't kill yourself now and you turn out to be as Greek as you must be, you'll be miserable. If you don't kill yourself now, and you turn out to be, I dunno, Swedish, you'll be happy, which means you'll be miserable. If you kill yourself now, and you turn out to be Greek, you'll have saved yourself some time. But if you kill yourself now, and you turn out to be Aryan, it will be such a waste and all poignant and shit, and isn't that really the best outcome you could hope for?

London Preppy said...

anapestic: I'm very glad someone sufficiently overthought this. So, mathematically speaking, is my best option to hang myself now?