On Monday at some point during the daytime, somewhere between slumber, sunbathing and depression, my friends DA and DJ message me and tell me about this website where you pay a bunch of cash, they send you a test kit to collect your DNA, you send it back, and 4-6 weeks later they send you an ancestry report, breaking down what your ethnic background is.
The list of potential results is:
Obviously, I immediately pay for this online.
I was born in Greece. As far as I know and as far as my parents know, all my ancestors are Greek. There is no reason whatsoever as to why the result will not come back as 95%+ Southern European.
As soon as I’ve ordered this, I text my friend Sterling.
Me: I have ordered a kit from a website that analyses your DNA via a sample of saliva and tells you which parts of the world your ancestry is from.
Sterling: I have heard of this thing. I am predicting 75% Greek, 25% bro.
Me: I am aiming for a Northern European result of 50%+. If I don’t get this, I will hang myself.
Sterling: Why are you putting yourself through this?
Me: I need more reason to self-loathe. But I also have a secret hope that I’m not genetically Greek
Sterling: Fingers crossed
Now we wait. What would you do if you had 4-6 weeks left to live?