On Monday I’m chatting on Facebook with my friend Todd and Todd is American but lives in Australia, which is very convenient for me, as it gives me somebody to talk to when America has gone to bed and Europe hasn’t woken up yet. It may be useful to add at this point that I have currently run out of sleeping pills. After Australia I start talking to South Eastern Europe, after that Western Europe, after that the East Coast of America, and by the time I catch up with my own time zone on the West Coast I haven’t slept for three days, but at least I have been very social.
Todd has a bad history of being attracted to terrible, terrible people who treat him like shit, but he just can’t help it. He wants it really bad. These terrible, terrible people exhibit all sorts of objectionable behaviour, like cheating on him behind his back, being hookers behind his back, being drug addicts both in front and behind his back, etc. Naturally, Todd usually finds his boyfriends at circuit parties, like the rest of us. Saying that, Todd is actually a nice person and would deserve to be with somebody that treats him well, but he’s also in this weird predicament where he’s hormonally imbalanced and exclusively attracted to people on steroids who watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race and went to Mykonos this August, so I don’t know what to tell him, really.
On this Monday Todd messages me:
“LP! I watched the video on Instagram of you giving yourself a haircut. Who are you trying to impress?”
“Just trying to fund my Kickstarter, to be honest. (Via being a prostitute)”
“Ooh, my ex is a hooker. I can get you tips.”
“Amazing. ___ is ___ ___ (the ___ ___ - ___ ___ ___ in ___ ___ ___).
“Interesting. Also my ex still asks me for money, so I haven’t done very well.”
“You definitely win.”
“I don’t want to win.”
“One can win at losing. Not that I think you’re a loser. Just attracted to the wrong men.”
“Well, we have clearly established that. But I don’t think that’s going to change any time soon.”
“You might bump into a good one by accident though?”
Then Todd doesn’t think that he will bump into a good one by accident and then he links me to a few Facebook pictures of some WeHo gay that we both know and says:
“Why does ___ have to be in every pic and know every person? It’s annoying and not cute.”
(Please note: ___’s ten year relationship came to a customarily dramatic WeHo end last year, when he came home early from a work trip to find his boyfriend in bed with two other WeHo players)
“Because he gets all his validation as a human being by floating around the WeHo gay scene. Also, and this is more important here, because he is so fucking stupid that he hasn’t learnt any lessons whatsoever from what happened to him last year as a consequence of living in the scene and having a ridiculous open relationship. So instead of changing things around him / his lifestyle / the people he hangs out with, he went straight back in, diving head first.”
Then Todd tells me that this is all terrible and what have we done to deserve this and why can’t we escape it and can I possibly predict a future scenario where our lives will not revolve around these people and then I type that it’s possible, yes…
…but before that, I’ll see him at ___ and ___’s Big Pre-Christmas Party in Hollywood. It will be the city's hottest invite. We'll all meet there: he, I, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, ___, and many others. We'll take loads of blow and chat in the garden by the Spanish style fountain. I will spike ___’s drink with g (not that he'll need much convincing) then lead him to the second guest bedroom and start fucking him. ___ will walk in and they'll break up. They'll get back together a week later and I'll have to leave the town in shame (again). A few months later, and as ___ has come home from work early expecting to see ___ watering the plants (___ still won't have a job - why would he? He didn't bother when he was with ___ and ___ only makes a fraction of what ___ makes) but he will walk in on me double penetrating ___ in the sitting room with ___ whilst ___ is filming it. Everyone's hearts will be broken for two and a half days...and then we'll repeat ad infinitum.
Then Todd has to go to the gym, and then I move on to my next time zone.
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