Friday, 13 September 2013

Friday 13/09/13

This was something somebody wrote to me on Twitter, I think, about a year ago when I first mentioned that I was planning to move to Los Angeles.

“All the guys in West Hollywood are running around with their dicks hanging out”.

This beautiful metaphor was employed to mock my intentions of moving to LA, in a relationship, to settle down. (Have I mentioned enough times that this wasn’t my choice?)

On one hand I don’t know if this aphorism is specific to West Hollywood, or if it applies to every big city with a large population of young gays. By "young gays" I mean men aged 16 to 50, of course, as gays never grow old. For example, would it be less laughable a concept planning to move to Sydney, in a relationship, to settle down? What about NYC? Or London? On the other hand, and I understand this might just be a personal issue, LA fucking scares me.

With London, I have the sense that, despite the clubs and the drugs and the parties (and there are more clubs and drugs and parties in London than anywhere else I’ve ever been) and despite the high turnover of transient gays on steroids there to make money and have a good time, I could still maintain a relationship. In London, I feel more trusting of people. In London, I also feel loved.

That’s not the case in LA. In LA…I don’t know. I just have a crippling fear of that city. Love is not a feeling I associate with LA. Not love towards me, in any case. If I went back there, and it would be with a serious intent of self-harm if I ever did, I would have to attempt to build up my trust with the city and its people. Right now, in LA I feel humiliated.

But I’m not writing this to compare cities. I’m thinking about commitment and trust in gay relationships overall. I’ll stop focusing on this at some point, honestly, but I was thinking the other day…how can someone do this? How is it possible that someone has a boyfriend of four years (very publicly, of course, with everyone in their circle knowing about it, as would be the case half a decade later) then suddenly, they turn up at a pool party – it’s always a fucking pool party – or someone’s birthday or wherever one week later, with a new man on their arm and nobody questions this?

When I was putting this question to my friend, Lane, the "why are people not reacting to this?" question, he just said:

"Because we’re gay. This is expected. This is a culture where you’re at a dinner party, then three people disappear from the table and the next thing you know is that they’re all fucking in the bathroom. You think that anyone will raise an eyebrow at some WeHo queen changing boyfriends all of a sudden?"

And I don't want him to have a point, but I don't know that he does not.


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H said...

I prefer to believe that we aren't that bad - its just too easy to be if you want to be because there aren't the reasons not to be that the non gays have (ankle bitters in particular)

Otherwise its depressing and a sad indictment on mankind (in the specific, genetic sense)

Shelby Temples said...

When I read those three blog posts about your boyfriend fucking someone for the obvious reason they could, at the very least, more lavishly fund his life, it paralyzed me. I spent the entire rest of the day thinking about it and constantly going through it over and over from memory. It must've stuck with me because even my own boyfriend asked me "what's wrong?" that night when he got home from work.

I only read them each once but that was enough. Have you ever read something and have it terrify you to the point where it was impossible to read it again? I didn't realize you could find fear there. I didn't want to read it again, I didn't want to feel that lonely. And as selfish as it sounds, it wasn't that I felt sorry for you (I do, btw, of course) but that I felt sorry for myself. What's keeping me safe from the thing that happened to you, happening to me?

Maybe what scares me the most is a) knowing that there's nothing I could do to prevent someone I love from hurting me in the manner he went about hurting you and b) having them stop loving me before I'm ready to stop loving them. Mostly B, I think. There's also the added fear of having to actually witness the destruction of a relationship in motion (like the pool scene in blog 1 of 3)

I'm just curious, would it have hurt any less had you at least been in the same fucking country? I couldn't imagine him being in LA, you being in London, and dealing with both the physical and emotional separation.

I feel like I have so much more to say but I'll wait for another post to tie in my thoughts. One piece of friendly advice which I'm sure you don't need but I'll throw out there anyway: please don't consider begging him for anything. Whether it's an email back, a phone call, a friendship or (fucking hell) a relationship. It looks like you've spent too much time begging for things from him and too many emails asking for his love. Take this time where he is pretending not to care about you anymore (he either misses you or your money, whichever is reason enough but he does still care I'm sure) and move on to the point where you can get far enough from him that you won't have to miss his bad behaviour.

London Preppy said...

h: Completely agree, it's just an easy way to behave having no society expectations to behave otherwise. I will write some more about this in my next post, actually, I'm leading somewhere with this

shelby: I totally get what you're saying. One of the many, many things that I had to deal with when all this happened was this: how can I ever trust anyone ever again? What guarantee is there that this is a unique, extraordinary circumstance. I wrote this very thing in an email to him, actually. (No response).

And, god, you're so right about having written too much to him. Even this summer. I tried to reason, understand, forgive, get over things, move on (all at different stages). I wrote and said everything to him. I never got a response to my emails back. Not one. I had many phone calls cut short, and many unanswered, many times when he turned his phone off. Many when he hung up on me.

And there came a point when I didn't feel I needed to say anything anymore. I hope this stays forever.

Yeoyeo44 said...

North, your ability to express your feelings through written word is remarkable! I feel as though I understand your point of view perfectly. I've never come across a writer who so eloquently captures what the current "gay scene" is like. Just thought I'd let you know that you've brightened my day with your quick wit and stellar abs! (Admittedly, I came across your blog while touching myself inappropriately to your Instagram, so you've stimulated me both physically and mentally today haha)

PS. Feel free to checkout my Instagram @yeoyeo44, and also be sure to let me know if you're ever in the Toronto area!

London Preppy said...

yeoyeo44: Really, thank you very much. Checking your instagram now

Jeremy Reichenberger said...

I think for me it's just turned into gay relationships being terrifying. It makes me wonder if there is ever anyone you can truly trust out there - or if the second something better comes along ("better" being used loosely) they'll be gone.

Tommy said...

I don't know if it has to deal with being gay, plenty of times in straight relationships you have those long term relationships end, and they show at the next party with someone new, and no one says anything out loud.

People don't like causing uncomfortable situations in public, they will go talk about it in some bathroom or hallway.

London Preppy said...

tommy: That is also true, I suppose

TED said...

What you say about the extreme transience of gay relationships is true, but it's only true among a particular subset of the gay population, one that you identify with and choose to belong to.

There are countless committed gay couples out there, but they mostly don't choose to involve themselves in your particular scene. This is, one supposes, partly because it doesn't interest them and partly because they want to stay together.

If you don't want to be considered disposable, don't hang out with people who readily toss people aside. You know this.

London Preppy said...

TED: I do

AlwaysReadySF said...

I am glad I read all the comments before typing mine because I was going to write EXACTLY what TED wrote :-)

Perfectly said.

Also, there is no particular city that is better or worse suited at finding love or keeping it alive. Cities are just large masses of buildings and people. And people are the same everywhere you go. There are people who seek and find love and happiness and an overall (mostly) stable life, and people who don't. You can find them (both) in LA, London, New York and even Athens.