Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Wednesday 28/08/13

The unfortunate thing for the straight-acting, non-scene Berkeley or Stanford graduate bros currently living in the suburbs (or Palo Alto) who message me on any of the dating sites that I’m on, is that they don’t realise that somebody who has six to eight visible abdominal muscles at any given point has not led a normal, balanced life so far and, more importantly, is not mentally stable. Still, they’re so oblivious that they think I got those by participating in sport with my college buddies, or playing catch with extended family members on Sunday afternoon picnics in our grandparents’ backyards, dressed in chinos and pastels, dirty blonde fringes flopping in the wind. Admittedly, the fact that I wear chinos and pastels in all my clothed pictures must also add to the confusion.

Overall, the compatibility between fallen circuit queens trying to escape the Gay Scene Trajectory curve and non-scene upmarket bros is very, very low. Lower than Capricorns and Cancers (earth signs notoriously don’t get along with water signs, did you know that) lower than born again Christians and radical feminist lesbians, perhaps even lower than writers and unemployed 30+ year-old part-time models, I don’t know. Not only are these non-scene bros terrified of me, but I’m also appalled by them, because, you know, you’re a grown man living in a liberal area, get over your issues.

On Friday evening last week, I get a text message from a non-scene bro in Palo Alto that I gave my number to on Adam4Adam maybe four weeks ago. I’m going to call him James, because, well, what else would he be called? I don’t know why James decided to message me now, because I don’t follow any sports so I don’t know what season just finished to empty his weekends, but in any case, this is a conversation that goes like this:

James: “What are you plans tonight/tmrw?”

Me: “Tonight I’m tired at home falling asleep. Tomorrow I have zero plans”

James: “K I’ll be working tmrw, would u be able to come down to pa?”

Me: “I could come down”

James: “Grab a drink?”

Me: “Sure thing”

James: “Cool cool, what’s ur drink/smoke of choice?”

Me: “Actually, I don’t drink”

James: “Haha no problem, smoke?”

Me: “What are you talking about? Weed? No, I don’t”

James: “Just cigs”

Me: “No, I don’t smoke cigarettes at all. You must think I’m very boring”

James: “Haha np. You wouldn’t change ur mind on any of those, would ya?”

Me: “You want me to drive down to Palo Alto, so we can smoke cigarettes together?”

James: “Yeah can I corrupt you?”

Me: “I fear I’m a lot more corrupted than you think, James”

James: “Haha what do u mean?”

Me: “Never mind. So what are we going to do?”

James: “Haha u tell me”

Me: “Make out? Fuck? I don’t know. I’m just throwing things out there. I’m sure even Palo Alto straight bros like to do these things from time to time”

James: “Haha I wanna see u be corrupted”

I’m not sure if this is suburb code for getting DPd, so I ask:

Me: “How?”

James: “Smoke?”

Me: “Is that all?”

James: “We’ll go from there, if ur down?”

Me: “Is smoking a big thing for you?”

James: “Ha nah. Just a turn on”

Me: “I’m not leaving the house for any less than snorting a line of coke off your cock”

Then James doesn’t reply. Then I go to bed. Then it’s Saturday evening 2131 and I text James again:

Me: “Hey, I just got here, where do you want to meet?”

Then James doesn’t reply again.

I think it’s over.


Alex F. said...

Ba-ha-ha, this made me laugh out loud :)

Hetero-Challenged said...

good riddance.

no sense of humor (or coke).

Tommy said...

That sounds like someone a dirty old man says to a teenager girl people.

London Preppy said...

I just love that the extent of corruption he could think of, what would really push everyone to their limits...was a cigarette

Andrew McDonald said...

I'm pretty certain he was planning to ask you to *bring* the smokes, too.

TED said...

Admittedly, my experience with CA is limited, but is it possible (or could it be considered plausible, if one were to use this anecdote in, say, one's next novel) that tobacco is considered more corrupt than cocaine in California? To me, it seems not inplausible that CA would ban tobacco and legalize weed.

I also laughed audibly.

London Preppy said...

TED: That's an excellent point