Thursday, 1 August 2013

Thursday 01/08/13

I was really confused when I started reading this craigslist ad. I didn't remember writing it, but perhaps I had been Ambien-posting again? Then I got to the "Ivy League-educated" bit.

 Come get this Plush-ass queen Simmons Beautyrest out of my life - $150 (castro / upper market)

The pain of my broken heart now means less back pain for you! This is basic law of transference type shit. I'm pretty sure the physics work out, but then again - I paid my college roommate who was a scholarship student to do all my take home exams so I can't be entirely sure. 

So here's the deal: $150 and it's yours. No catch. Get this fucking mattress out of my life. 

It's a plush queen-sized Simmons Beautyrest. It's three years old, and feels like you're sleeping on a fucking cloud - even when you're unknowingly sleeping next to a lying cheater. In a bad relationship and have to lie next to the constant reminder that you didn't go to grad school so that you could move and get engaged? Then this is the bed for you, it will get you to fucking REM and for 6-8 hours every night you'll forget that you're sleeping next to a sociopath. There are no stains, and this thing hasn't seen action in a while. 

I thought about giving it away for free, but then I figured, what the hell - sell the bed, and go buy a Fleshjack and a handle of whiskey. And that's how I settled on $150. This thing is priced to move. It's worth much more than the price, and I figure that even someone who is looking at Craigslist on a Tuesday morning could easily afford it. So don't email me with your lowball offers. And don't agree to $150 and get to my house and offer $100. Because that would make you a lying cheater, and I would rather set the mattress on fire and throw it out of the window rather than sell it to you. Seriously, I will lose it. 

Priority will go to those who can come get this literal bed of lies today, as I've got the entire Fiona Apple and Alanis Morissette discographies to get through. 

And no, I won't help you get it out to your car. There are only eleven steps up to my apartment. You figure it out. I was going to sell the mattress for $200 but I figured it was worth the $50 to watch someone else have to struggle over this oppressive burden. Not a deal-breaker, but it would help immensely if you looked like my ex as I would love to see an entitled, Ivy-League educated asshole struggle with this thing. But totally not necessary.


AlwaysReadySF said...

I find new levels of awesomeness in this each time I re-read it ;-)

Hetero-Challenged said...

So did you write it or not?

Either way, best CL ad I've read.

London Preppy said...

hetero: It reads like I did, doesn't it?

Tobyabe said...

The ad even reached Australia

Tobyabe said...

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abristolnovella said...

ah and the curtain falls