Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Tuesday 08/03/11

Well this has never happened before, but here we have a guest blogger on London Preppy; whatchu gonna do about it?

This guest blogger is a new friend (I’m using the word liberally as I don’t believe in human interaction, let alone human ‘relationships’) and is a) female and b) gay. Perhaps like me you were unaware that women can now be gay too, but this is primarily the point of this post. It’s educational.

She currently lives in London but is moving to Melbourne of Australia fame within the next couple of months. If you happen to live there, you should try to seek her out and be her friend. There are a lot worse things you could do.

The guest blogger writes:

Ok, so for the past couple of months, I’ve been working out at London Preppy’s gym and we’ve been chatting about the talent there (for him there’s loads, for me, as a lesbian, it’s a veritable desert of tumbleweed, broken dreams and unfulfilled potential).

Anyway, at some point, it dawned on me that London Preppy, author, philosopher and gay-man-about-town, knew nothing, absolutely nothing, about his sisters-in-arms, the lesbians. I think this only truly realised this when London Preppy said “I know nothing about you or your kind, Gia, so don’t assume I’m understanding any of these cultural references you keep mentioning, they’re all passing me by.”

My first thought was ‘this is a travesty, and after I’ve spent hours poring over his blog as well’. My second thought (because I’m practical, it’s one of our ‘things’) was ‘I must write a handy lesbian spotters guide to educate him and promote pan gay man / lesbian woman solidarity’.

So I did. And here it is.

Introducing The Handy Lesbian Spotters Guide.... featuring Leftie Lezzie, Curious and Deviant, Sporty Dyce and more! (but not loads more, I know you have lives, people).

Use it to identify that girl in your office who claims never to date. Ever wonder who those strange women (who aren’t fag-hags) are when you’re out? Tick off each typology the next time you’re out on the scene. Has your sister never brought home a man? Here’s your answer...

“Leftie Lezzie” estimated 18% of les population

As the name suggests, this lesbian is left-leaning, and is likely to be in possession of an expensive, liberal, but mostly useless, education. She is highly likely to be a vegetarian (meat is murder) and tends to drink herbal tea whilst reading The Guardian. She has an annoying social conscience and will lecture you endlessly on abortion rights, free university education and how appalling the Tories are. She would probably be a lesbian, even if she didn’t fancy women, as sex is a ‘feminist issue’. She has poor dress sense and tends to wear plastic shoes (no leather allowed). She totally knows that today is International Women’s Day. If you’re ever invited to Lefty Lezzie’s house for dinner, don’t go, you will be fed an under-seasoned lentil-based dish and you will get cat hairs all over your trousers. If Leftie Lezzie was a celebrity, she would be Germaine Greer.

Curious and Deviant”: estimated 11% of les population

This is the segment that fuels the fantasies of lad-mag readers and anything with “girl-on-girl” in the title. They are stereotypically feminine and most likely to be bi. They tend to look quite predatory. They visit (and sometimes stay) in lezzie land because of sexual curiosity and because they think this is an instant ticket to hotness. This is the segment most likely to utter phrases such as “well, a woman just knows a woman’s body better” or “fancy a threesome?” Almost all women on the fetish scene fall into the Curious and Deviant typology and there is a steady stream of them frequenting girl-bars, trying to pick up innocent lesbians to corrupt. They tend to have better luck doing this, if they leave their boyfriend(s) at home. Don’t worry about being invited to their house for dinner – they don’t cook. If Curious and Deviant was a celebrity, she would be Angelina Jolie (and she fantasises about this fact often).

PS, Other point of interest; my girlfriend falls into this typology. I fall into the ‘innocent lesbian, being picked up in a bar’ typology. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

“Gay-man Wannabe”: estimated 24% of les population

You see Gay-man Wannabe every time you go into Soho - her spiritual home is ‘The Candy Bar’. This typology has come about because we don’t really have a culture or an identity to speak of – Gay-man Wannabe has cottoned on to the fact that gay men do have a culture (even if it is a shallow, vacuous, drug-fuelled one) and has therefore simply co-opted it, ripped it off, stolen it. If gay men ever stopped admiring their pretty reflections long enough to realise this, Gay-man Wannabe would have a lawsuit on her hands. She’s into fashion, the gym and grinding her jaw at 4 in the morning. She’s quite androgynous but because she’s only 5‘4 and female, she tends to look like a 12 year old boy, rather than the hot, muscled gay guy she’s emulating. Rather embarrassingly, tween-aged girls in Topshop sometime run over to her thinking she’s Justin Beiber* If Gay-man Wannabe was a celebrity, she actually would be Justin Beiber. Or possibly P!nk

*this actually happened to a friend of mine. Apparently it made her feel like a ‘total peado’

“Sporty Dyce” (estimated 19% of les population)

Sporty Dyce is your classic sport-loving tom-boy. She comes in two flavours; posh or common. Posh Dyce went to all-girls boarding school, did lots of pony-riding (take that any way you want to) and had an ‘incident’ with her best friend Harriet, after too much shandy, in the lower sixth. Harriet and her never spoke again (v sad). Common Dyce was dressed in her older brother’s clothes because money was a bit tight at home, so it’s all the parents' fault really. Posh Dyce likes hockey and rubgy. Common Dyce plays footie. All of the women’s English football team are common Dyce (fact). Weirdly, Common Dyce all have long hair, because they think that having short hair makes you look like a lesbian. Unfortunately, this means they just look like lesbians with crap long hair (if you don’t want to look like a lesbian, take off the track-suit luv!). If Common Sporty Dyce was a celebrity, she would be Sporty Spice (obviously). If Posh Sporty Dyce was a celebrity, she would be Claire Balding or Ellen MacAuthur.

“The Straight Lesbian” (estimated 16% of les population)

As the name suggests, The Straight Lesbian would really much rather be hetro. She views her sexual orientation as a massive inconvenience, a cruel joke. Unlike Curious and Deviant, who at least enjoys sex with men and is nominally bisexual, The Straight Lesbian has no real feelings towards men at all but craves the respectability of marriage and children. All Straight Lesbians were v happy the day civil partnerships were granted. They also love a bit of baby-making and will scour the internet looking to purchase sperm by dubious means. . If The Straight Lesbian feels she can’t deal with faking an actual hetro marriage, she will look for a ‘wife’ to settle down with. There are quite a few unsuspecting straight men married to straight lesbian. Sometimes, they switch and pretend that they are actually straight, but five years later, their ex-girlfriend will still receive drunken phonecalls off them reminiscing about ‘how good they were together’.
Personally, I find The Straight Lesbian absolutely terrifying.

If the straight lesbian was a celebrity, she would be Anne Heche (Ellen DeGeneres’ ex gf, now ‘straight’)

Point of interest: I once went out on a date with a Straight Lesbian. She asked me (on the first date) if my brother would be open to the idea of sperm donation. I replied “my brother is manic-depressive, so I would really worry about the quality of his sperm”. She said “yes, but how does he feel about sperm donation?” - we didn’t date again.

“Eastend Hipster” (estimated 12% of les population)

Soho is dead. Eastend Hipster knew this about three years ago and has been strutting her stuff, albeit v cooly, in Dalston and its environs ever since. She wore Wayfarers the summer before everyone else did, she had the skinny jeans and the two-tone hair a whole season before the fashion bods took notice and to be honest, I don't know what she'll be wearing this weekend, as I. am. not. her. She studies art at Central St Martin's College, and like the song goes, despite living in a squat and being a bit of a working class hero, she often skips to the home counties of a weekend, to visit the decidedly middle-class ‘rentals. She thinks I'm only bitchin' 'cause I'm jealous, and she's right; now is her moment in the sun, so let her enjoy it; she's cool, she's hip, she's all over those underground warehouse parties and she's so post-meta-gay that she doesn't even see sexuality as a label... 'it's more of... an energy between two people in a moment'.

Like most tryhards who find themselves accidentally surfing the zeitgeist, she's also insufferably smug. If Eastend Hipster was a celebrity, she certainly wouldn't give you an autograph and she might just be Agyness Deyn.


Tim said...

In the US we call Gay-Wannabe lesbians "baby-dykes". There's even a website dedicated to them.

Tim in the City of Angles said...

erm... I'm sorry, could you repeat everything after, "Well this has never happened before..."

Lee Harlem Robinson said...

Mortifyingly accurate guide, indeed. Is this going to be a regular lesbian guest blogging spot because I'm afraid we (I only speak for the vagitarians of course) will need more of this!

Shaun said...

I love this. I feel enlightened.

Is there any chance we could read your take on gay men's subcultures, L.P.?

george said...

that was really good but i think i read it all cos i was scared that when you get to melb you might punch me up if you see me walking down the street......for some unknown reason lesbians don't like me....

Britney Spears said...

Fresh London Preppy?

You should return to writing on here! Consider it.

AlwaysReadySF said...

Brilliant....but what about the "lipstick lesbian"? Or is that only a US thing? It sounds like a mix of "Curious and Deviant" and "Straight", but not exactly :)

Fresco said...

Thank you for this very entertaining spotters guide Who knew Justin
Bieber was lesbionic, eh?