On Friday A Girl emails me and this is a conversation that goes like this.
A Girl: “Hello old colleague. How’s things?”
Me: “Oh hello there, glad you asked, I’m about to jump out the window. And you?”
A Girl: “Not bad. I’m looking forward to spending the weekend without leaving my flat at all sinking further into depression, no wait, numerous bottles of wine. Crossing the road to the office this morning I wished a motorbike would run me over and you know what, one almost did. It was lime green”
Me: “Well, that sounds better than my day, sorry, life, anyway. By the way, I’m working from home today. I am missing office politics though – I’m about to backstab my housemate’s goldfish via a discreet email, just to feel a bit motivated”
A Girl: “I can’t see that you have any other option at the moment”
Half an hour later I email A Girl.
Me: “By the way, the goldfish is now dead and it has nothing to do with me emailing myself about its salary and how it never does anything and just uses buzz words to seem busy”
A Girl: “You did this, right?”
Me: “Hold on, I just looked over and even though it was floating upside down 2 minutes ago it's now swimming around again”
A Girl: “I'm starting to rethink your ability to work from home, it's clearly driving you to become delusional and this just after one day”
Me: “No, this all happened. I think it was just doing its trick where it floats upside down for a while pretending to be dead for attention”
On Friday A Boy also emails me and this is a conversation that goes like this.
A Boy: “___ has left me a picture comment – ‘Delish as ever’”
Me: “I must remember to say ‘delish’ more often. I’m going to have to ask him whether he fancies you”
A Boy: “You’re only asking that to find out why he doesn’t leave comments on your photos calling you delish”
Me: “He said to me in a club last week that he doesn’t find people with perfect bodies attractive”
A Boy: “Awww. ___ and I have so much in common”
Me: “Yes, a resignation to mediocrity”
A Boy: “Isn’t such brutal determination to not delude oneself to be admired?”