Thursday, 30 October 2008

The Longpigs - On and on

On this Wednesday afternoon I rent a white van at the price of £40 per day (plus VAT) and I decide to keep this van for two days. Over these two days I play the role of some guy driving a white van. For this adventure I am wearing dark brown Timberland boots, black Ralph Lauren sweat socks, old jeans from Diesel and a red t-shirt with The London Fire Brigade Supports Pride written at the front in white caps.

Half an hour later I have crashed the white van into a bollard in a car park in Acton and have consequently lost my £100 deposit. I try to care about this, but what actually happens is that when I hear the sound of the bollard scraping the white paint off just above the left hand side head light, I reverse and drive back into it with more force. This is the kind of spineless self-harm I've been reduced to since I started self-medicating 20mg of Xanax on an 8-hourly basis.

On Wednesday evening, I get back in the van and start driving west, way out west, past any humanly acceptable border of London. It's around 0130 when I find myself outside Hounslow Central tube station parked on a double yellow listening to an hour of tearjerkers on Magic 105.4. Even with most of my mind numbed, no wait, lost, there is something comforting in the knowledge that no matter what happens, no matter what you do, no matter where you are, there will always be a late night radio station playing Richard Marx, Right Here Waiting For You.

Once that song ends and before the next tearjerker comes on, I get out and walk into the 24-hour Asda just off the Hounslow roundabout. I buy a pack of pumpkin seeds, two breaded chicken breasts and a box of Asda Extra Special chocolate truffles, which I leave on the pavement just outside the shop, get back in the van, drive back home (Listen To Your Heart, Carried Away, Crazy For You amongst others played on the way) and go to bed.

By Friday evening, and now van-less, I still haven't showered but I've changed into Timberland deck shoes, different pair of Diesel jeans and green/grey Lyle & Scott polo shirt. I walk to Caring Cross Road Sainsburys Local from ___ (where I'm staying right now) and buy a salmon pasta salad and two bottles of Frijj milkshake (limited edition chocolate brownie flavour with picture of Chief Wiggum on), all of which I eat/drink as I cross the road and go into Borders.

In Borders I walk up to the third floor and spend the rest of the evening looking through and taking pictures of the following books from the Home section: Victorian House Style / Georgian House Style / Wooden Houses: From Log Cabins To Beach Houses / Dictators' Homes: Lifestyles Of The World's Most Famous Despots. I'm sitting in a leather chair, there are several other people in chairs reading, Air's Talkie Walkie is playing through the speakers on the whole floor (I'm not sure about other floors), there is one guy with a pile of magazines including AXM who I glance over at regularly because he's gay and so am I, everyone goes home. I have not spoken to anyone for 49 hours.

31 comments:

AlwaysReadySF said...

Why do you drive a van? Why are you wandering aimlessly in the British countryside? And most importantly, who is still wearing Timberland boots these days?

Good to hear from you though.

Bill Harkins said...

Thank-you LP. I was so happy when my reader informed me of the update & it did not fail to disappoint. I wish you would come out of retirement.

dickophile said...

i dont understand whats going on but i think you left out that you abducted ppt and did horribly unspeakable and sexual things to him in the back of that van.

Gracie said...

Talking to people is overrated

Good to hear from you tho

Princess Gracie xx

Anonymous said...

Your back, even if it was only for 2-5 mins of reading time. I think I miss you. liked the part about you backing up and going again full force. CLASSIC

Cockbag LLC said...

I bought Dictators' Homes: Lifestyles Of The World's Most Famous Despots at Borders.

Anonymous said...

You must be leaving soon.

Second(third) thoughts??

Trybaby said...

No one helped you move? Are you going to have a yard sale of stuff you can't/don't want to take with you to Sydney? Cause I might want something if it's cool. Auction?

electricshame said...

Bic biro cap hitting concrete floor in empty office building.

Anonymous said...

this doesn't read like the same voice of the previous writer known as london preppy. please don't insult us.

NGM said...

shouldn't you be in Sydney, concerning yourself with what to wear to Summer Gay Day?

Anonymous said...

See what happens when you stop blogging regularly?

London Preppy said...

always: Sumfin to do, innit

bill: Did not fail to disappoint? Eek!

dick: That part is also true, yes

gracie: It most definitely is

anon: And true

cock: It's really quite interesting, isn't it?

London Preppy said...

anon: + fourth + fifth

trybaby: Move eh? It was just recreational driving

electric: Very good!

anon: Yes but London Preppy is dead

ngm: I should, shouldn't I?

anon: Yeah, you forget how to do it

Alex said...

I feel like I missed 40 episodes and there is no DVD boxset to catch up :-(

Bill Harkins said...

Sorry - I worded that wrong, it did not disappoint me at all, I liked it.

Graham said...

IS it bad that now that I suddenly have time again, the first thing I do is click on over here and then forget about the fact that you're not blogging all the time and so don't read the post right away, but gest distracted and only get back to write this comment 14 hours later. But then again, would there have even been a comment had I read it all the way through 14 hours ago. I don't know. But LP is missed. Grieving is never easy I suppose. Just wish I'd made it to the funeral!!
;)
g

Admin11 said...

I work from home and can sometimes go days without talking to anyone, I mean anyone, not even hello. you start to loose track of what's fantasy and what's reality. I recommend it.

Anonymous said...

Shocking:
The-blogger-formerly-known-as-London-Preppy has a driver´s licence.

Joseph said...

That was intense! Very intense. I don't think I can deal with this on a regular basis. I need my Propranolol.

Butch Boo said...

Man in a white van?!! Dangerous!!

I know what you mean when you reversed back even harder!

I like hiring vans makes me feel all butch and masterful!

BB

X

Ja said...

only your weird blond mustache could have made this any better.

Superchilled said...

20mg Xanax 8hrly? I'd be seriously dead, no wait, completely dead.
The Chocolate Truffles - are they left on the pavement as an offering to the 24/7mini-mart gods?
Are you planning to live in a log beach house in your own island nation?
Is that nation Australia?
You're gay?

Oldyeller said...

The self-medicating part tells me that you're still going to Sydney. Good to hear.

bregalad said...

Yo LP, you ok? I am a bit worried after reading this post. If you ever need to just talk to someone, call me--I can send you my number over email.

On an unrelated note, guess who I dressed up as on Halloween. I was LP! It was a lot of fun, me being at my preppiest.

Anonymous said...

49 hours free from inane prattle: sounds like paradise to me. How was the snow for you ?

george said...

so you're on the road to nowhere? is this on the way to sydney....i've never taken that route b4......keep on truckin'......george

Anonymous said...

Ah. I live for posts like this. I love it when my heroes get all antisocial.

-A

michael01 said...

It's All Saints today--Toussaint, Dia de los Muertos, Ognissanti... The Day of the Dead, in other words. Is that what compelled me to check your site for post-mortem vital signs? I wonder. Well, you never disappoint.You seem to be floating in some sort of Purgatory of anxiety and repressed feelings of loss. The trouble with Xanax is the rebound. Try to get Klonopin--or some form of clonazapam--it maintains a 15-hour blood level and tapers off gently, till your liver destroys it, or it destroys your liver. Ta. Miss you.

phoenix said...

I hope you didn't run over any cats while you were at it. Caring Cross Road? Is that where the carebears moved to?

Anonymous said...

I confirm. So happens. Let's discuss this question. Here or in PM.