Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Elastica - Never here

And like anyone needed it, here's a second by second analysis of THAT video of THOSE boys goofing around to Total Eclipse Of The Heart that I posted last week.

Here's the video again so you don't have to scroll down.

OK so these are three guys that are in a college doing some stupid degree like Business Studies or something and on this Tuesday at 0130 they decided to play a song that they thought was hilariously cheesy and camp and lip sync / dance along to it. This is almost lost on me because I consider Total Eclipse of the Heart to be one of the best songs ever written without any irony involved, but there you go. I’m going to pretend I get it anyway.

They also decided to take their tops off, because they know very well what us losers who spend our free time on the internet are like.

I don’t know exactly when this video was shot, but I’m going to guess it’s at least few years old. We don’t have much evidence on this, I can’t even make out the posters on the wall, but that computer monitor on the right there kinda screams 1999.

Other favourite details in the room include:

- The straight-boy running trainers haphazardly left in front of the desk. HAPHAZARDLY!

- The mess on the bed. What the hell is on that bed? And why isn’t any of these boys tidying up? It’s a whole different world, isn’t it?

- The white tilted lampshade next to the bed. The lampshade was straight until boy no.2 came home drunk with a girl one Friday night, only to proceed into such experimental, acrobatic sexual activities that any furniture and decorative ornaments around just had to surrender.

Now then. The boys.

Boy no.1 – the boy in the middle.

Boy no.1 is my least favourite. Of course he’s the main character and the others look up to him and adore him and he bosses them around and he gets all the chicks and he may not be the best academically, but somehow he always gets away with it and does well for himself and everyone likes him apart from the people he bullies but even they have to pretend that they do like him because he’s so popular…so naturally I like the others more.

Plus he looks like somebody that Sean Cody put together as a contrived model of “straight jock”. Tan AND blonde highlights AND white coral necklace AND suspiciously Abercrombie looking shorts. Well I guess maybe these people do exist.

Regardless, he’s still very good and I love him with most of my heart.

Boy no.3 – the boy in the background.

Boy no.3 is my second favourite. It’s a shame that no one’s paying any attention to him because everyone’s watching Boy no.1 who has a natural star and Boy no.2 (more of which later) who is a gorgeous, pleasant straight boy.

If you get over the other two boys for a second and focus on the unshapely one in the background, you’ll see that he’s giving the performance of a lifetime. The Rodin’s Thinker pose at 0:05, the explosion at 0:13 (completely unrelated to the music), how he grabs his knob at 0:24 – all classic moments.

But still, none of this is enough to distract us from Boy no.2 – the boy on the left.

Boy no.2 is the greatest boy that has ever lived. In the long tradition of boys that are good looking and natural and seem genuinely nice (e.g. Harvey from Sabrina The Teenage Witch and…erm that’s it) I desperately want to be Boy no.2.

Boy no. 2 has effortless hair, a flawless face, an effortless athletic body and the pièce de résistance, little white socks. I love love love those. I love love love him.

Favourite moments in the life of Boy no.2 for me, include:

0:01 a close up of his chest

0:03 he turns around, looks at me straight in the face and sings: turn around

0:04 to 0:19 he looks at Boy no.1 for 15 continuous seconds, trying to get some approval, his attention, a look back, anything. This confirms to anyone who was stupid enough to doubt it still, who the leader of this group is. This dynamic of this group is not a democratic one, it never was and it never will be. We all know that, but we’re OK with it. Of course Boy no.1 completely ignores him for these long 15 seconds, as he’s preoccupied with his good self

0:25 he raises his eyebrows and widens his eyes dramatically as he looks at me again

0:28 still with Boy no.1’a best interests at heart, he gently pulls the chair back to give him more space. This is the most homosexual action I have ever witnessed in my 28 years. At the same time, it’s not homosexual at all, it’s just Boy no.2 being nice, nice like I never will be and I never will understand, because unfortunately, I’m more like Boy no.1 myself

0:31 to 0:40 this is where his amazing silly straight boy choreography begins (bent knees, finger clicking, up-and-down arm movement, magnificent back-and-forth stepping with the left foot), a choreography that’s cut off suddenly and heart-breakingly on the 40th second mark, leaving me with a hole in my heart, wait, I never had one anyway.

In other news, thanks to whoever was responsible for putting screenshots of London Preppy on the BBC News channel the other day, in some story about blogs, as seen here:

And finally, on Wednesday afternoon I ring up Scott and the following conversation takes place:

Me: Is this good or is this bad?

Scott: For Madonna?

Me: No, for us.

Scott: Neither. Anyway when did you hear this devastating news?

Me: 15 minutes ago.

Scott: And you waited all this time to tell me?

Me: Yes, I had to deal with this on my own first.

Scott: What did you do, take a walk in the park?

Me: No, I sat here and played Like A Prayer a few times.

And on this Wednesday afternoon as the world falls apart I put on a green t-shirt, pink and white striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up, white knee-length shorts and no shoes, pick up a copy of American Psycho and leave the flat.

Sitting on the steps just outside, I read the last lines from the book:

“…and above one of the doors covered by red velvet drapes in Harry’s there is a sign and on the sign in letters that match the drapes’ colour are the words THIS IS NOT AN EXIT”

And try to be upset by this, try to be upset by the fact that THIS IS NOT AN EXIT, by the fact that THERE IS NO EXIT, even though I wasn’t let in in the first place.


Tim in Italy said...

I'm languishing in a hot,sweaty (and not in a good way)airport waiting room with a group of Japanese tourists. Either I've died and gone to hell w/o noticing or I am receiving my earthly punishment for enjoying male companions no where near my age range. I can still, however, rouse myself re: the BBC reference: WTF??!?!?!

Organized Chaos said...

here's the story on the video.
it's from texas.
turns out the guy singing is Chris Walker. He was a forward for Texas A&M's basketball team a couple years ago. so the Video is from 2006.
The blog posting I liked to above is from a University of Texas sports blog (Bevo is the UT mascot--a longhorn cow, welcome to Texas sports). UT and A&M are bitter sporting rivals for the last 100+ years. people in texas generally either bleed 'orange' or 'red.'

Back to the video and the blog... apparently there are 6 other videos of these guys singing.

Enjoy the info... glad you're gracing us with an occasional blog update.

kim said...

more info about the blog news story? a link perchance?

London Preppy said...

tim / kim: The BBC thing was just a friend giving me a nice surprise. The story in the news had nothing to do with the blog, the screenshots were just used as very quick images - blink and you miss them - in a news feature about blogs etc

chaos: Thanks very very much for this info. Poor Chris Walker. Can't we all relate? Aren't our lives composed of bad decisions? Yes. Yes they are.

Aaron said...

1. jealous.
2. cryptic.

Anonymous said...

dude -

Here's a proverb...

"This heartache isn't going anywhere.
In the public eye I act like I don't care.
When there's no one watching me,
I'm crying."

It's just the end of a chapter, not the book. Keep the memories precious, they're the most treasured thing.

a friend x

Phoenix said...

It's 130am, I'm desperately trying to get a presentation together for work tomorrow on a subject I don't understand at all and am terrified won't be able to blag my way through. So I look for LP on the off chance there is a new post.

There is.

I read it, and smile. Thanks for cheering me up. Back to work...

PS - She's better off without him, she'll live. And so will you.

PPS - I think those boys need to be tested for drugs ASAP, and then I want some of whatever they're on.

dickophile said...

i dont really care what madonna does or doesnt do but i have to say that this recent event is having a profound affect on me. im soooooo happy! now guy can be mine! i can just look at him and tell that the sex will be hot and dirty and life altering even if it only lasts 4 seconds.

Anonymous said...

Please post the whole video. It's so much longer.

But anyway, the whole thing was circulated in the states here two years ago, so whatever.

Timmy said...

I also noticed boi #2 when I watched the video. Thanx for the analytical details of his movements.

L.A. Fireman said...

I agree with you to a point. I definitely agree with you about Guy #2 as most attractive, but then I like Guy #1, and then Guy #3. I did chuckle at the video. I did find their "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong" video:

, but unfortunately Guy #2 is not present.

Thanks for the blog reading before I go to bed.

Joseph said...

What can I say, you have friends in high places, including the BBC, of all places...

But anyway, I love your analysis of that video. It surprises me how many great & fleeting moments in that video escape my attention.

Chris said...

I knew you loved us to much to stop posting all together, I have spent 2 weeks refreshing at work because there were no new posts to read here. Come back full time!!! The internet is a much more boring place without you. Now that i'm done grovelling, when you coming to Syd?

Matt said...

I think they are all now performing every Saturday in a drag show in Sydney. Although I could be wrong.

michael01 said...

So, really, it isn't our particular beliefs that are unfortunate: our misfortune lies in belief itself. Think of all the Not-an-Exits that those Texas jocks knock up against. I don't know whether to weep or masturbate.

Hidden Closet said...

I thought you're not blogging anymore.

Oldyeller said...

I love it when you obsess about straight boys that you fancy. The best I think was when you saw Jack the PT work out the first time late last year. In your words, he "is absolutely flawless, like somebody typed in the specifications of the perfect human being and then had him produced. You have to trust me on this, I mean come on, I’m usually blasé about people but on this instance it’s pointless." Sadly, it was a very short love affair.

timbo said...

2006?? Holy fuck. I thought you were dead on with the 1999 estimate. Maybe even 2000.

This is what guys looked like at Penn State in 99-00 anyway. They remind me of my roommates, except that my roommates wouldn't participate in such a gay activity. That was left solely to me.

The BBC thing is wild.

AlwaysReadySF said...

Ahhh. I do miss your second-by-second obsessive compulsive analysis of seemingly irrelevant situations.

I am almost embarrassed to admit that for about an hour I absolutely had NO clue what the Madonna reference was all about. But eventually I crawled out of the rock I live under and figured it out.

Are you still in Athens?

London Preppy said...

anon: I still haven't seen the whole video. If anyone has a link, please let me know

hidden: Oh yes, sorry

Jay said...

well if you weren't famous already, you sure are now!


george said...

a bit of gansta rap

just for you cos i

Maluminas said...

OH MY GOD! The signal aspect ratio on that TV is completely WRONG! I can't look at it, its too horrifying. Its all stretched! Oh, the PAIN! Shut it down! Shut the poor thing down its suffering! I... I need some air, i'm sorry i need some air... You... I... sorry...

*walks out slowly with a hand brushing the wall to fight the dizziness and the other hand on the chest to keep the pizza down*

Ben said...

OMgollyGOsh, I've been a way, and LP is in rehab, and trying to cure his blog addiction....

Ace vid! Loving their passion for the song! Get them a TV show! haha

Rogue said...

I hope things go well in Sydney

Anonymous said...

can we agree that post at least once a week???



Gav Dublin said...

Have you, now, ceased to exist?

paul said...

i need a fix... i need you to re-appear and make it all better like Bobby Ewing's dream

AlwaysReadySF said...

Hey LP, what's going on with you? Haven't seen any new posts from you in a while....