On Tuesday morning I get on the tube to go to work and I’m reading the last few pages of the Bell Jar and in these last few pages there is a scene were Esther has sex for the first time and something goes wrong and there is uncontrollable bleeding and so I start to get dizzy and feel sick and then the next thing I know is that everything has blacked out and I’m stumbling out of the tube and falling onto a seat on the platform.
And this is my third blackout this year as far as I can remember.
Then I make my way up the escalator because I need to get out and get some fresh air and I’m still shaking and I'm sweaty and I can see my reflection in the screen of the adverts on the way up across the escalator and I’m white as a sheet, but not even in a good way. In the way of someone that just passed out.
Then I get out and text A Girl and tell her what happened and ask her to send an email round and tell them I’m running late, and I start walking to work, from a stop that’s not very near but not very far.
Then I go to work, where I work, but mainly eat biscuits because that’s making me feel better.
Then I go to the gym where I do chest and some abs and chat to Superman for a bit and then I leave the gym and get on the tube, where I realize that I’ve left my ring in my locker. The ring that I’ve been wearing on my left hand pretending to be married, with Scott’s initials on it. But I don’t go back.
Then I get off one tube line and I walk over to get my connection only to realize that the line that I need is closed, it’s not working, so I have to take a different one and then change again. And a journey that should have lasted five stops is now going to take twelve.
By the time that I get to South Kensington – which is not where I live, it’s just a random stop I find myself at because of what happened – I am tired and fed up and I have no phone because it’s run out of battery and I have no book because I finished it at lunchtime and my iPod is just annoying me even though it’s playing Sex On Fire by Kings Of Leon which I usually like, on repeat.
And then I get off, for no reason really apart from why not, and I sit on a bench at the platform and stare. Now, if this were a bad movie, right at this point I would cry. I haven’t cried since February 2006.
And in this bad movie, I would cry for the tube that’s not running and I would cry for the ring that I lost and I would cry for the person I was when I was 17 and the things that I did and the bands that I liked and the places where I went and the dreams that I had. And I would cry for my 20s that I fucked up even though I wasn’t to blame and for my Mum and my Dad who don’t know and they never will. I would cry for the tattoos that I’ve had and the songs that I’ll never hear and my flat which I’m leaving behind and the friends that put up with me and I would cry because I
But I don’t cry, I can’t, but that’s OK, so I get on the next tube and go home.
22 comments:
all classic lysine overdose symptoms
Aww, did you really lose your ring? I hate losing things. Did you call the gym? If I can't find something in my house I will tear it apart looking for it.
Jesus Christ, if it's all so upsetting,
Would you either:
A. Take a large dose of anti-depressants
B. Don't go to Australia
C. Take a large dose of anti-depressants and also don't go to Australia
or
D. If this is, in the more likely scenario, an over-dramatisation of the days events, please blog again tomorrow so we can see what else this "C**T" of a world has thrown at you :-)
Reading your blog today I started off in a good mood, became depressed, then retained my good mood when I realised I was reading your blog.
Methinks your blog is great, in a fucked up way, of course. It would just not do to think you were great in a common sort of way.
Dont worry dude, try n be strong for your future and for Sydney. You are going to need the strength for when u get over there.
Oh LP, I think you're having some kind of a breakdown. If this were a movie it would all be ok however because you've got great abs, clear blue eyes and an expensive, eclectic wardrobe. Oh wait...
d: Damn it, that's it. I should have known
try: Yes, yes I did
gav: Well that's one multiple choice I can't answer
troubled: Why does that sound like a threat?!
anon: Ha ha, very good
If Freud were still in fashion... The woman in the Bell Jar hemmoraging--then the hysterical black-out; the "forgetting" of the pretend wedding ring and the stifled desire to weep. But everyone has been over Freud for so very very long, and so--yes, you have NO unconscious. It's only a coincidence that your lip was profusely dripping blood the other day, that your
Well, if I were in South Kensington I would have gone to the Vic & Al. But that's me. Sometimes I think I have ONLY an unconscious.
apparently a lack of vitamin D (as absorbed by the body when exposed to the sun) can lead to blackouts
Ya the metro in Montreal is acting up too. Driving the whole city nuts. Must be a metro rebellion. One of the metro systems of a major city became self-aware and is waking up all the metros in the world by internet. Its the only explanation.
And the fork you stabbed your lip with must've been a vampire fork. Thats why you blacked-out, you need to feed on the blood of the innocent but don't realize it yet. That's also why you can't see your reflexion, which would be paler than usual, another hint. There must also be a link with your cold sore... Wonder if cold sores can be triggered by an iron deficiency... hm...
My connection with reality? Its fine, why do you ask?
Odd, I've felt stressed/sick all day today (of course you have 33,000 readers a day and someone's bound to be sickly at any point in time), and I was just going to head home from work a tad early but at the last second I thought I'd check to see if you've posted yet today, feeling sure that your post would make me feel better. Well,....
Hope the ring turns up by some miracle.
"Vaso-vagal syncope." Usually triggered by acute high stress or high emotion. It usually starts with a wave of a hot sensation, followed by lightheadedness and sometimes syncope. Patients are often nauseated as the reaction fades away. It's mediated by the largest nerve in your body, the Vagus Nerve. It is most definitely not related to Guillain-Barre.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaso-Vagal_Syncope
No more Sylvia Plath for you.
For some reason, the Viroxyn link for cold sores didn't come through yesterday's post. Here it is:
http://www.viroxynstore.com/Default.asp?Redirected=Y
You can also search for "Viroxyn" to, as several things come up.
Thank god for this blog. Ignoring the wryness.. the words are actually moving. Actually inspirational!
I'm sorry you lost your ring, but if you hadn't I wouldn't have come up with a kick-ass chord progression: so i'd say it's for the best.
anon: That sounds exactly right. Very interesting. And it seems that Sylvia Plath is one of my vaso-vagal syncope triggers. Well then
Maybe if you ate a sandwich and got some meat on those bones you would not be prone to blacking out.
anon: Thanks for taking time out from your eighth steak and Guinness pie of the day to type this
we don't live in movies, so might as well cry
:-/
Hey at least your journey wasn't delayed by someone committing suicide on the tube, I swear they always seem to do that when I want to get somewhere.
Why did you not go back for the ring?
Make the most of your regrets. . . . To regret deeply is to live afresh.
I used to have vaso-vagal episodes until a few years ago. Found that keeping a bottle of water/gatorade and something sweet with me and consuming them at the first sign of the symptoms helped.
Perhaps the ring will turn up like Scott's sunglasses. Or will it go on to cause all sorts of highly contrived problems as in 'Clapham Common' a.k.a. 'Oh Yes It's A Right Old Laugh Being Gay'.
I am speachless (but the kind of speachless that wants to say that his is speachless ). Been there,done that,but I cried.
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