This is suddenly Monday, one of the last few Mondays actually of life as we currently know it. And on this Monday I’m putting in one of the last few appearances as London Office Worker #3, a role which grew stale months ago, in a play that no one wants to see.
On the way to work I read A Girl’s horoscope in the Metro newspaper, which tells me that it’s a day for self-improvement and development for people under her star sign. “A good day to join an evening class”.
Reeling with anger, I walk in the office and email A Girl instantly:
“What evening learning courses have you enrolled on? Sometimes I feel I have to read your horoscope to find out your news”
A Girl replies:
“Thank you for updating me on my life as well. I walked to work and missed the horoscopes this morning. Lately I’ve taken on some self-guided life coaching courses, which typically involve me sitting alone in a pub, listening to Morrissey or The Smiths and trying to teach myself how to live. I think it’s going well”
Satisfied with this answer and still on a high from six vitamin C tablets I chewed for breakfast, I continue rocking on my office chair looking at the wall, when I receive the following email from Brendan.
Brendan appears to have written a day’s post for me, so I don’t have to:
“On this particular Tuesday I wake up and see that it is pouring with rain outside. But if I have learnt anything it is that everything turns out miserable anyway so I take comfort from the fact that I did not let yesterday's sunshine fill me with any hope.
I'm due on set at 0930 hours to shoot some office scenes (again) so decide I better get ready and 20 minutes later I am on the tube wearing as my outfit for today: clothes.
In the office I find A-Girl is already on set and we rehearse our lines. Someone calls 'action' and I go through the motions but on the inside I am really only looking forward to our lunch break when A-Girl and me will be able to head outside, lie down on some graves (it's important to practice for death - it could come at any moment) and listen to Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division on repeat for an hour. Oh and we might visit the Energie store too.
At 1053 hours the script says I am to sit at my computer which I do and then an email arrives from Brendan saying 'Hey ___, so how r u?'. This isn't in the script and I momentarily panic before just improvising, so I”
In any case, on Monday after work I head to the gym, where I punch the receptionist on the way in (she looked at me the wrong way), get changed, do legs and abs, go back in the changing room, storm into some guy’s cubicle whilst he’s showering, push him to the ground and empty the shower gel on him (Lynx Touch Revitalising – 250ml), find the DKNY suit, Marks & Spencer’s shirt, Zara shoes, gym kit and trainers somebody else has left on a bench whilst they’re showering, stuff them in my oversized Ralph Lauren bag and leave.
At home I realize that none of these items fit me and try to care.
Oh and it’s the last day of the ebay London Preppy scrapbook – link here.