Sunday, 21 September 2008

Sunday 21/09/08

So I’m at work and it’s Friday and I go to the gym at lunchtime, where I do arms and some abs, and then I go back to the office and it must be around 1500 when my phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognize and of course I don’t answer.  Then my voicemail rings and this time I do answer because I don’t object to listening, I just have a problem with talking, and anyway, it’s Gladiators and they’re asking if I’d like to go and audition for the next series.

I mentioned ages ago here that it crossed my mind to apply to go on Gladiators because I was watching the current series and they had contestants who were shorter and/or lighter than me, shorter and/or lighter than me for fuck’s sake.  At the time when I wrote that applications weren’t open for the next series, but anyway a couple of weeks later I tried again and I applied.

They had some stats questions (age, height, weight), some questions about sport (I don’t play any), a lot of ridiculous questions like “what’s the wildest thing you’ve done” and “what are you most proud of” (which I answered in a monosyllabic grumpy way), a question asking what my name would be if I were a Gladiator (I said Athenian) and I also had to send a couple of pictures. 

Well that must have been enough for them, because as I said, on Friday some person called Jack calls me to audition.  Of course I’m not going, a) because I’m fucking scared and b) because I won’t be here anyway, but there you go.

In any case, I decide to google and find out what the Gladiators auditions might involve anyway, and this Friday afternoon – whether I’m ready or not, wait, I’m not – I come across the Men’s Health magazine online mesageboards. 

And there are people on these messageboards who have been through the auditions and these people tell us that you have to do the following.

(I’m just copying and pasting the bit below; I have no idea what all these things are)

A series of 8-tests which revolve around circuit training: 

- 20m shuttle runs x 4 (timed)

- Assault course, doing front somersaults over hurdles, hop-scotch on Reebok-steps, agility test jumping over small mini-hurdles

- Crocodile crawl (press-up, while dragging your feet) 40m

- Standing hop-skip-jump (aiming for 10/12m+)

- Burpees in 30-secs

- Series of 6 x front and backwards rolls (timed)

- Medicine ball throw (5kg for men, 3kg for women)

- Crab crawl (inverted press-ups) and walking for 40m (timed)

And my first comment on this is: What the fuck is this person talking about?

And my second comment on this is: It’s a good job I’m not going then.

Anyway, the point is that a whole new world opens up to me with those messageboards, there are so many muscled straight boys on there obsessively writing about their workouts and what they eat and how they look and it’s a little bit scary, no wait, very scary.  But sexy.

Because there is only one type of person who has more issues than a gay self-obsessed muscle-boy gym goer and that’s a straight self-obsessed muscle-boy gym goer.  And that’s hot.


Discotheque GQ said...

And if there's anybody else who has more issues than straight ones, it's bisexual self-obsessed muscleboy gym-goers ;) We can barely figure out if we're checking out guys or girls!

NGM said...

lol, indeed that is hot.

Trybaby said...

Are you unpleased with me because of that post I wrote?

London Preppy said...

disco: Oh I have no real life experience with this group, so I didn't include. I suppose something to aspire to / pursue!

ngm: Yep

try: No

Trybaby said...

Ok cool, cause I didn't mean to offend anyone really, was just thinking out loud/venting.

kim said...


and here is the biggest issue I have with hot muscle guys; are any of them actually 'fit'?

I'm not asking what is right or wrong, but you see so many guys out there who have stunning bodies and dedicate hours to crafting their physique but couldn't get through a basic fitness routine any better than a fat computer geek who's never seen the inside of a gym.

give me strength and stamina over muscle any day.


phoenix said...

You couldn't understand the assessment routine?

MH boards are AWFUL! There are so many better ones.

Stephen said...

I reckon you should go for it. Imagine the fame and infamy! Your blog readership will go through the roof. And you will have a good reason to stay home and hide from the public.

Dirk Muir said...

Your analysis is so Paris Hilton. Funny too, as always. (That's hot).

DL said...

Is this Gladiators in the US or is there a program in the UK too? I think you probably would've beat a lot of those guys -- a lot of it is agility and you don't need to be super built.

L.A. Fireman said...

You're not going to try out? At least give it a shot and pass the test. Then you can change your blog to "London Gladiator"! It would be fun to see you on the teli kicking someone's ass :)

London Preppy said...

kim: No, I'm sure they're not. I'm certainly not

stephen: I can't even begin to imagine standing there in front of a camera and giving the trash talk to a 6'4" Gladiator!

dl: There's a UK version

la: Main problem with not even going is timings. I won't be in London

Trybaby said...

heheheh i am drunk :P

Quigley Cox said...

Well, they've had 'Trojan' and 'Spartan' but I think 'Athenian' might be a bit too cerebral for them. 'Cerebral'; what about that as a Gladiator name?

Eddie said...

What the h-e double hockey sticks are burpees?

Jake said...

I was watching the current series and they had contestants who were shorter and/or lighter than me

Yes, it's called the 'women's category'. Oh come on :-)

You should have gone for it, audition sounds like a piece of piss. Plus you'd get to grapple with hot built straight guys in lycra, recorded on telly for all time. Big score.

P.s. MH boards are cool, not totally idiot free however.

Anonymous said...

Definitely check out the forums on - they even have sections on pics of progress...even hotter than men's health

Max said...

Dear LP:

I wish you wouldn't begin your entries with the word "so." It's déclassé—definitely beneath you.


Oldyeller said...

I'm concerned that you might have had to give some sort of awkward speech to your beloved fellow workers during the work get togeter Fri. nite. I know how much you would have enjoyed that.

Gav Dublin said...

Well, is not the main point that it is indeed nice to have been asked?

You must have sent in some of the photos where you were not trying to hide your muscley bits by using various kinds of shade and light....

I sincerely hope you did not send in the one of you wearing those nipple clamp contraptions. In that case you may have been chosed for ALL the right/wrong reasons.

London Preppy said...

quigley: Way too highbrow

eddie: I don't know. And I don't want to

oldy: That is yet to come

Trybaby said...

Ahhhh, I see. That wasn't a dream. I really did come here drunk and comment. Sorry about that....... :/