So I’m at work and it’s Friday and I go to the gym at lunchtime, where I do arms and some abs, and then I go back to the office and it must be around 1500 when my phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognize and of course I don’t answer. Then my voicemail rings and this time I do answer because I don’t object to listening, I just have a problem with talking, and anyway, it’s Gladiators and they’re asking if I’d like to go and audition for the next series.
I mentioned ages ago here that it crossed my mind to apply to go on Gladiators because I was watching the current series and they had contestants who were shorter and/or lighter than me, shorter and/or lighter than me for fuck’s sake. At the time when I wrote that applications weren’t open for the next series, but anyway a couple of weeks later I tried again and I applied.
They had some stats questions (age, height, weight), some questions about sport (I don’t play any), a lot of ridiculous questions like “what’s the wildest thing you’ve done” and “what are you most proud of” (which I answered in a monosyllabic grumpy way), a question asking what my name would be if I were a Gladiator (I said Athenian) and I also had to send a couple of pictures.
Well that must have been enough for them, because as I said, on Friday some person called Jack calls me to audition. Of course I’m not going, a) because I’m fucking scared and b) because I won’t be here anyway, but there you go.
In any case, I decide to google and find out what the Gladiators auditions might involve anyway, and this Friday afternoon – whether I’m ready or not, wait, I’m not – I come across the Men’s Health magazine online mesageboards.
And there are people on these messageboards who have been through the auditions and these people tell us that you have to do the following.
(I’m just copying and pasting the bit below; I have no idea what all these things are)
A series of 8-tests which revolve around circuit training:
- 20m shuttle runs x 4 (timed)
- Assault course, doing front somersaults over hurdles, hop-scotch on Reebok-steps, agility test jumping over small mini-hurdles
- Crocodile crawl (press-up, while dragging your feet) 40m
- Standing hop-skip-jump (aiming for 10/12m+)
- Burpees in 30-secs
- Series of 6 x front and backwards rolls (timed)
- Medicine ball throw (5kg for men, 3kg for women)
- Crab crawl (inverted press-ups) and walking for 40m (timed)
And my first comment on this is: What the fuck is this person talking about?
And my second comment on this is: It’s a good job I’m not going then.
Anyway, the point is that a whole new world opens up to me with those messageboards, there are so many muscled straight boys on there obsessively writing about their workouts and what they eat and how they look and it’s a little bit scary, no wait, very scary. But sexy.
Because there is only one type of person who has more issues than a gay self-obsessed muscle-boy gym goer and that’s a straight self-obsessed muscle-boy gym goer. And that’s hot.