Sunday, 17 August 2008

Sunday 17/08/08

So this is the Friday that's Pam's last day at work and for this event our team is going out for lunch, a lunch where I have some chicken breast with salad and chips (hold the chips) and a pint of Timothy Taylor and three gin and Slimline, or gin and skinny tonic as A Girl orders them.

After this lunch, Pam, A Girl, my boss and I find ourselves in a pub and this is when everyone is starting to get quite drunk, uninhibited and revelatory.

At this pub is where my boss decides to recite the story of how he saw me on the AXM magazine cover in a pair of white briefs jumping mid-air a couple of months after I had started working there, a number of events that - apparently - followed the following sequence:

- My boss is queuing in a newsagent to buy some fags
- My boss catches sight of a magazine cover on the shelf and does a double take
- My boss goes back to the office, thinks over this for a few days, passes the story on to some other Directors in the company
- My boss and another Director walk down to WH Smith one lunchtime, locate AXM,
go through page after page evaluating the carnage


But on this drunken Friday afternoon this is just a story that cannot, will not affect me anymore and I am only 87% hoping the earth will open up and swallow me. And as I point out to my boss "if you don't do things like that, how boring would life be". And as my boss points out to me "this is the most exciting thing that's happened to him for a while and he was telling the story to his
wife and friends for months". So it's win-win really.


Then we go back to the office, then not just our team but everyone goes drinking, then I have another two gin and Slimline, then I go to the gym.

But on Saturday morning...it happens.

Everyone knows that nothing, never is meant to go well. Every day is a disappointment, every hour is a slap in the face, every minute that ticks off is a new punishment. However, occasionally, naive people like me will let their guard down and think that maybe, for once, there can be hope out there, maybe things will turn around for you and not everything will blow up in your face. That's when reality decides to check in again and stab you in the back with a rusty sword.

This is what happens on Saturday morning, and this is what reminds me that you can't trust anyone, everyone is an enemy, you will never really have no one ever:

During a text conversation with Anthony, he asks me what I'm up to this weekend and, in a jokey way wanting to let him know that I've dyed my hair black, I reply: "this weekend I'm mostly trying to get rid of the deep black dye in my hair, so I can look normal again"

And Anthony - a person I considered a friend, somebody I used to like, somebody I dared trust - punches me in the face with:

"Your hair couldn't get much darker, could it?"

As I'm typing this 37.5 hours later, I'm still trying to pull out the dagger from my heart.

36 comments:

Gav Dublin said...

Poor old Anthony. Did you give him the address for his local specsavers and, more importantly, how long do you think it will take you to forgive him this terrible lapse?

Did you ever think of going full whack and doing the old Michael Jackson skin whitening,mind altering surgery thing?

kim said...

and for this scene, the role of Anthony will be played by Brutus

bartleby scrivener said...

I didn't want to say anything, but since you've opened the door, I preferred you with your "natural" hair color. Frankly, the black makes you look a bit silly.

j said...

normal again?


just kidding. you look very normal and your hair is very light and AXM is the pinnacle of sophistication.

<3

dickophile said...

how could anthony say such a thing? next thing you know he'll be saying you look tan. i assume you're never talking to him again.

Alex said...

God I love your writing.

And don't fret:
look- http://i100.photobucket.com/albums/m28/Alegoo92/LPsHair.png

Your hair is almost half the shadescale from black... somewhere between bole and raw umber.

jhkirkendall said...

Forgive him. He knows not what he says.

--Joe in L.A.

David said...

.....

what's wrong with dark hair?

michael01 said...

Don't try to get even, Anthony is simply betraying the fragility of his own ego--or of his eyesight. Weren't you blond as a child? Years ago an American sociologist had a theory that blondness, like small features and pale skin, unconsciously represents childhood--or youth, and that is why it is so desired. Nothing pedarastic, just the attraction of eternal youth. I suppose, in this scenario, the "dark people" are the opposite--old, or at least mature, and therefor lacking allure.

James said...

Give yourself a buzz-cut and let it grow out. That's what a straight boy would do, I think.

Was the BRB competition a failure or did I miss it?

theotherday said...

http://www.3sixtymag.co.uk/uploaded_files/downloads/3SIXTY_LIFE_JUNE08.pdf

looking good lp!

Quigley Cox said...

As Friedrich Nietzsche asked, 'Is not life a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?' He probably also said something about the abject betrayal of friends. Probably something like, 'Bastards!'

Maluminas said...

The bosses analyzing AXM part was hilarious!

But i dont get the stab in the heart... of course your hair can get darker... whats the problem, this guy speaks nonsense to me... I must be missing some high-level encryption again...

London Preppy said...

gav: I would have given him the address for Specsavers, but sadly never talking to him ever again hinders me from that

kim: 9.5/10

bartleby: My hair is now back to brown

j: Well, you know, within reason

dick: Your assumption is correct

London Preppy said...

jh: Ha ha, 9.5/10 again

david: Nothing

michael: Cool, interesting theory. I'll go with that one

james: It kinda failed, yes

theotherday: Ah, thanks a lot for that. I had no idea this was out

quigley: That's funny, I used that exact word in my farewell message to to Anthony

george said...

I think I missed something.....why are you upset with Anthony.....george

urban said...

LP, I rarely have any idea what you are talking about, yet I return each day like a Velociraptor to a Jurrasic Park fence to read more.

Thanks

Cheers

Urban

AlwaysReadySF said...

"On the turn". How appropriate (for you) is the title of that article, eh? The tips are the best....

...and you hair does not seem THAT dark naturally, I don't know what Anthony is talking about

[insert evil smiley]

RT said...

Maybe you need to get over yourself -- a true friend should be able to tell each other anything and not be offended.

Anthony is entitled to his opinion. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it. Would you rather he lie and tell you it looks great than being honest?

If you like it then keep it -- man up!

London Preppy said...

george: No, you didn't miss anything. It's all there

urban: Thank you. I like that

always: The hilarious fact is that I'm portrayed as the straight guy who needs to be turned in the article. Fantastic. I'll post about this later

rt: Oh rt. You didn't understand anything from this post, did you? Oh well, I'm maintaining the policy of not explaining anything. Everyone else who's left a comment seems to have got what I said and my tone anyway

Paul in NYC said...

Actually, I would have to agree with RT. I'm not sure why the other readers of your blog feel the need to stroke you as you find yourself down a road of pity; passing by the 'poor me' bus stop. If you're thinking about this 37.5 hours after hit happened, maybe you should just get over it and move on.

AlwaysReadySF said...

Your dream come true. To be "the lad". Well at least in fiction if not in reality. And we all know that fiction is always so much better than reality so you really got the best deal possible. Which also tells us that since nothing ever go your way, not really, then something wrong must be about to happen very soon. Watch out....

London Preppy said...

paul: Sometimes I guess I have to explain myself because some people just. don't. get it.

Let's take you down the road to enlightenment, Paul, step by step:

1) Quite blatantly, this post was written as a joke. Do you REALLY think that I went in big depression because one of my friends described my hair colour as darker than I would describe it myself. Fucking Jesus man!

2) Again quite blatantly, the other readers did not comment to stroke me in my moment of self pity. People actually got it's a joke. Look at Kim's comment above, he likens Anthony to Brutus who murdered Julius Caesar in a massive act of betrayal and Joe in LA who used a line by Jesus. See? Funny comments from people who get it.

3) Not content with not understanding my tone at all, you also don't understand what rt had to say. RT left a comment thinking that I was mad at Anthony for not liking my newly dyed black hair. Which obviously isn't right. So well done, you manage to misinterpret the misinterpreter, in a fantastic act of double whammy misinterpretation. Gold medal to you

And finally, trust me, I don't have a "poor me" attitude at all, I know where I stand and for the three millionth time THIS BLOG IS FUCKING HUMOROUS, my God isn't it obvious in this bleeding post?!

AlwaysReadySF said...

HAHAHA!! You are too funny. What happened to the policy of not explaining anything anymore on this blog?

London Preppy said...

always: Well, sometimes I just despair. I'm part human after all

AlwaysReadySF said...

Which part is human?
Nevermind. It does not matter.
You. Will. Be. Assimilated.

Quigley Cox said...

You mean you haven't really fallen out with Anthony?! You must be very thick-skinned. I think I would have been crushed and needed the smelling salts!

Cockbag LLC said...

I agree with the trust factor. Even the best people have deep dark secrets that they unleash on you when you have let your guard down. The ex did that to me about a year ago and I should have ran but I stayed with him for 9 more months.

Gav Dublin said...

Now now Prep, let's not open the flood gates to all that humanity crap!

"I love humanity but I hate people."

Did you ever read anything by
Edna St. Vincent Millay?

Graham said...

LP,
I think we all feel a little betrayed now. You said you were maintaining your policy of not explaining, but then, like a blunt rusty spike to our eyes, you proceed to rabbit on about some joke or other. Maybe for just a moment some of us thought we could take what you said and believe it. I guess there is some humanity lurking deep inside you afterall. If my eyes weren't bleeding I might shed a tear.

Anonymous said...

so, LP, I recently heard that you're not allowed to flush toilet paper in Greece. Is that true? If so, please elaborate.

London Preppy said...

anon: Yes, yes, it's true. The pipes won't support it. You have to use a bin

Anonymous said...

re: toilet

i feel like that would smell bad/be generally gross. no offense

London Preppy said...

anon: Yeah it's pretty questionable!

timbo said...

You always seem to give in and explain and defend yourself. It's so much cooler if you can't be bothered to do so....and you shouldn't.

Don't let the tards drag you down to their level!

Mike said...

Anon: 90% of the toilets in South America one can not put paper in the toilet but must dispose of it in the bin nearby.

Toilets around the world, like people, are very diverse .

You really need to get out more.