Wednesday 16/07/08

After we learnt how to read a book, how to plod through life in a meaningless manner and how to go to the gym, here is another in the series of describing how we do things around here, yes this is exactly how, and if you don’t like it you know what to do.

Today: working in an office.

Working in an office is a wonderful thing if you want to lose your self-respect and dignity nice and quickly. It is estimated that people who work in an office die inside approximately 34 years earlier than people who have other, meaningful, worthy occupations.

In your office career, you will come across two types of people: those who don’t give a fuck, and those whose lives are otherwise so bleeding empty that they do. The latter group are usually people who are good at their office job.

Don’t be impressed – being good at your office job is about as admirable as being good at wearing a hood and pointing out members of the resistance to Nazi officials in Germany circa 1939.

People, who like working in an office, get a huge sense of accomplishment and gradually develop a very smug, superior attitude. I came across one of these people once, who mentioned in casual conversation that he gives “100% to everything gets involved in” (verbatim). I find it very hard to take in such a concept, considering that I haven’t given 100% cumulatively to everything I have ever been involved in grouped together.

Some people go into work early and leave very late, in order to impress their manager and benefit from future promotions, pay rises, bonuses, etc. The last time I had to play games like these, where I tried to appear very busy in order to deceive somebody who held power over me, was when I was 11 and I had to run, open a book and pretend I’m doing my homework every time I heard Daddy come home. I am not pre-pubescent anymore, so I won’t play such games.

In an office environment, the variety of topics you can discuss with your colleagues in a social manner is both very limited and predictable. Having had a lobotomy will help you answer questions such as: “any plans for the weekend”, “how was your weekend”, “how did your client meeting go yesterday” and “have you got any holidays planned” for the millionth time in a manner that’s friendly, neutral and non-offensive. In fact, perhaps lobotomies should be offered upon entering a new company instead of the usual pension scheme contributions. I know which one I’d benefit more from in the short-term.

Occasionally, you’ll get the odd person who has decided that their current role is not challenging anymore, they will want to get out of it, they will seek a career change. Three months later, this person will find themselves working in a different office down the road, still wanting to kill themselves, earning £10k less.

Stephen Morrissey thought he made an ingenious acute observation on working life when he wrote the lyric “I was looking for a job and then I found and job and heaven knows I’m miserable now”. But we all know that Morrissey likes to exaggerate and is awfully pessimistic. It’s not all that bad. Just try to keep in mind that working in an office will only take up – on average – 9 hours a day for 45 years of your life. Then you’re suddenly 67 and you have the rest of your life ahead of you (the best years really) to do whatever the hell you want.