Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Wednesday 02/07/08

On Sunday 

On Monday I wake up at 0655 and for the next 85 minutes I lie in bed trying to think of a single reason why I wouldn’t lean over, open my bed-side drawer, take the bottle of Valium out, unscrew the cap (which isn’t a safety one), pour the remaining 27 pills in my hand and swallow them in the following sequence: 5…5…5…5…2…5. 

I fail to come up with a reason / inertia stops me from overdosing on sedatives / I get up and have two whisked egg whites on a slice of toasted wholemeal bread. 

At work I talk about surfing with my boss, A Girl asks me what I’m planning to do at her funeral, I consider this for a few moments and come up with the following plan: 

I’m wearing the usual black ___ suit, white shirt, skinny black tie, no sunglasses (I’m not upset enough to have tears to hide).

I step up to the podium, look at the crowd for a few seconds; everyone is silent, waiting for me to deliver a speech – anything really.

I take out some notes from my left breast pocket.

I clear my throat.

I put the notes back in my pocket.

In steady monotone I say: “I crack the whip and you skip, but you deserve it”

I step down. 

Later this afternoon, an email goes round the office inviting us to a work-related networking event.  The email tells us that this is held at a hotel, it includes free drinks and snacks and it will be an opportunity to chat to and network with (please note this) “like-minded” people.  So another afternoon, another personal insult, another low. 

After work, in the gym, I pretend to do chest and abs even though I’m only there to listen to Chicks On Speed followed by IAMX followed by Chicks On Speed followed by Nine Inch Nails, Nine Inch Nails, Nine Inch Nails and then I go. 

At home my new wetsuit has arrived, so at least that’s one good thing that happens.

At home my Morrissey ticket for Friday still hasn’t arrived, so balance is restored. 

Finally, does anyone have an inheritance that perhaps they could leave me?  Or a small fortune or something.  Any of these clichés will do.  But not in a few years – right about now please.  We agreed yesterday that money doesn’t make a difference to being happy, but working does and I’d like to stop working now please.  Thanks.


Gav Dublin said...

Hey LP,

One presumes your semi-conscious thoughts of a valium OD were more for lack of something else to think about at that hour of the morning rather than any serious indication that you might need psychiatric assistance?

Most people suffice with perusing their morning erection you know!!

skountouflis said...

exeis apoluto dikio!!! mistho xwris douleia gia olous twra!!! :)

Timmy said...

" opportunity to chat to and network with (please note this) “like-minded” people. So another afternoon, another personal insult, another low."

This has to be one of your best lines ever. LOL

London Preppy said...

gav: Well you know, I gotta be troubled, haven't I?

skountoufli: Etsi, etsi, makari file mou!

timmy: Thanks! I actually said that out loud in the office when we got the email

gill said...

LP, I think your blog is great. hilarious, witty, cutting and cruel.

But I do wonder. What would make you happy?

In my office I occasionally hear the coffin-dodgers blathering on about their retirement plans. If you could give up work now. What would you do with the rest of your life? Something that you'd be happy living, doing and having for the next 60 years ?

Me... I'd move to France. Great food, flair for fashion, a general dicontent with all forms of authority (striking is a national past time) and best of all they (the Parisan's in any case) take being rude into a whole new level...Hmmm... Yes. I'd like France.


Alex said...

Why did I expect you to OD and die-- even though I was reading your personal recounting of the events?

Anyways, marry somebody and become a stay-at-home.

London Preppy said...

gill: I would like to have full control of how I spend my time. Obviously work hinders that. I used to think that if I had time off I'd be just sitting at home, going to the gym, etc. I'm realising though that I would actually keep myself very busy with other activities. I'd go traveling (Scandinavia, other Northern Europe, etc), I'd play sport. I think I'd be a good non-working person, not just somebody who wastes his time

alex: Well when I die suddenly, there are a few people who have my password for this so they'll let people know

AlwaysReadySF said...

Well we all want to not work, don't we. Get in line....

I had 9 (paid) weeks off from work in February/March and it was absolutely amazing. I was so busy traveling, playing golf, going to the gym, and learning to cook new stuff my days were just flying!

But I do agree with Alex. Marry rich then get rid of him once you can claim at lest 50% of the assets. ;-)

Graham said...


Obviously your coworkers don't get you at all, at least the management, but I suspect most, if not all of the rest. Do you think they even realise this?

Anonymous said...

'no sunglasses (I’m not upset enough to have tears to hide).'

that line was pure would make a great song lyric


Stephen said...

Well since everyone thinks you are Eastern European, just become an escort and retire. But be discerning - tell them you need to screen them before you will take their money. If they pass your scrutiny, then they should be more than happy to pay up.

dickophile said...

why not find some old rich guy to live off of? they die quick and are too old to get it up.

Grace said...

If your gonna OD do it properly first time round.

Nothing worse than dealing with an OD in hospital. Not nice at all

E said...

My Mother always told me, "You can marry more in a minute than you can make in a lifetime."

george said...

i would leave you everything i have when i die but i am afraid you will die before

Maluminas said...

Maybe you should consider changing career. Something creative perhaps? Write a bestseller. You could actually do it im sure.

Anonymous said...

LP, having inherited £58Million from my parents, with money comes problems and responsibilities, which I won't get into now. Surffice to say, I work harder now that I have the money than before when I lived off my Trust Fund. Enjoy the freedom of middle class mediocracy. This goes out the door with money!
JT x

J.B. said...

Not sure if this has been asked b4 - but surely you don't expect your work situation to improve in Oz? In fact you'd really want to start looking for an inheritance in London (Sydney has very little going around)

michael01 said...

As an artist who has successfully avoided working at any job, I can sympathize with your horror. If you concentrate on writing and publishing--maybe even self-publishing to start out--you could start applying for GRANT MONEY!There are all kinds of foundations in Britain and America (and Greece?)for struggling writers. (There are lots of gay book editors and gays in publishing too.) Obviously your body is covered with Brett Easton Ellis quotes because, partly, you want to be him. You are very talented and funny and nothing is holding you back but--guess who. Have you ever considered Journalism? Lots of travel and adventure...

London Preppy said...

george: I also fear that might be true!

anon: Hmm...I can see how £58m can be a lot of money and it can cause as many complications as advantages. Not that I would refuse it now obviously without the experience, but I can see where you're coming from. Maybe I don't want that much. Maybe a fraction of that will do. Maybe you can give me £500k. Maybe £100k. Maybe £230. Anything that makes life just a little bit easier for you will do

jb: Nah, I'm not going to Sydney to improve my finances!