On Monday I wake up at 0655 and for the next 85 minutes I lie in bed trying to think of a single reason why I wouldn’t lean over, open my bed-side drawer, take the bottle of Valium out, unscrew the cap (which isn’t a safety one), pour the remaining 27 pills in my hand and swallow them in the following sequence: 5…5…5…5…2…5.
I fail to come up with a reason / inertia stops me from overdosing on sedatives / I get up and have two whisked egg whites on a slice of toasted wholemeal bread.
At work I talk about surfing with my boss, A Girl asks me what I’m planning to do at her funeral, I consider this for a few moments and come up with the following plan:
I’m wearing the usual black ___ suit, white shirt, skinny black tie, no sunglasses (I’m not upset enough to have tears to hide).
I step up to the podium, look at the crowd for a few seconds; everyone is silent, waiting for me to deliver a speech – anything really.
I take out some notes from my left breast pocket.
I clear my throat.
I put the notes back in my pocket.
In steady monotone I say: “I crack the whip and you skip, but you deserve it”
I step down.
Later this afternoon, an email goes round the office inviting us to a work-related networking event. The email tells us that this is held at a hotel, it includes free drinks and snacks and it will be an opportunity to chat to and network with (please note this) “like-minded” people. So another afternoon, another personal insult, another low.
After work, in the gym, I pretend to do chest and abs even though I’m only there to listen to Chicks On Speed followed by IAMX followed by Chicks On Speed followed by Nine Inch Nails, Nine Inch Nails, Nine Inch Nails and then I go.
At home my new wetsuit has arrived, so at least that’s one good thing that happens.
At home my Morrissey ticket for Friday still hasn’t arrived, so balance is restored.
Finally, does anyone have an inheritance that perhaps they could leave me? Or a small fortune or something. Any of these clichés will do. But not in a few years – right about now please. We agreed yesterday that money doesn’t make a difference to being happy, but working does and I’d like to stop working now please. Thanks.