On Wednesday I’m on Scott’s motorbike and we’re on our way back from the gym and we’re near my house by this point, just three streets along really, and we’re driving past some people (European, early 20s, two guys and a girl) who are standing outside their house chatting – it’s dry and warm and still light – and somehow this depresses me. Because I’m thinking, this is a nice area, I really wish that I lived here. So I nudge Scott who turns around and I tell him that. And Scott points out that I do live here for God’s sake, and what’s wrong with me. And this is the kind of brain that I operate: if I catch my reflection in a car window as I’m walking past and I like the t-shirt that this person is wearing, I am likely to fell upset. Because this person is not me. Even though it is. Still, I don’t know if I’d want a different brain.
On Wednesday I’m starting to research ticket prices for Sydney and these tickets are very expensive any way you choose to look at it, and that’s when I start to panic and think about the following things: I can’t leave my job, I will never find a job again, should I really waste my savings on this trip, what is the last resort I can sink to in order to make money when I’m in Sydney.
On Wednesday I’m lying in bed and I’m trying to sleep so I start playing re-runs of some Greek TV show in my head that I used to watch when I was seven, maybe eight years old, thinking that this will help, even though it turns out that it doesn’t – it wakes me up even more because the next thought that comes in my head is trying to identify the point in my life where I would go back and turn everything around if I could turn back time. And as I slowly rule out every year one by one I guess I get tired at some point and fall asleep.
On Thursday is a day when public buildings in the UK are supposed to put up the Union Flag, according to this calendar here (http://www.culture.gov.uk/flagflying/dates.html), so when I go to work and see that the Senate House building (where the University of London library is) hasn’t raised the flag, I send them an email that says:
(please note: I've just taken bits from previous blog posts and stuck them all together)
I emailed Senate House recently and got a list of dates when the Union Flag is raised at the top of your building. One of the dates was meant to be today.
The flag is not up.
I’m trying to be surprised by that, but I’m not, really. Every now and then in my life, something good threatens to happen. Whatever it is, it usually ends before it’s even begun.
Eventually, I will learn not to be hurt by things like that. Being dead inside will certainly help, so I’m trying to kill my spirit as quickly as I can. Until then, could you please tell me why the flag is not up today?
My most played bands in 2008 are:
1) The Smiths / Morrissey (494 times)
2) Suede / Brett Anderson (353)
3) Madonna (248)
4) Robyn (151)
5) Yelle (137)
6) Saint Etienne (132)
7) Bruce Springsteen (130)
8) Chromeo (129)
8) Sneaker Pimps / IAMX (129)
10) Roisin Murphy (123)
11) Tracey Thorn (117)
12) Gene (116)
13) Jimmy Eat World (111)
14) Sebastien Tellier (103)
15) Bjork (100)