Sunday, 13 July 2008

Monday 14/07/08

Saturday is a day that’s spent at Scott’s house, in front of the TV, watching Malcolm In The Middle, The Simpsons, QI, maybe some Big Brother.  This event takes up the hours between 1000 and 1900.  The foods consumed include: roasted chicken breasts, jelly babies, a mozzarella and meatball pizza, dairy-free chocolate-flavoured soya frozen dessert.  I am trying very hard right now, but I can hardly deal with the fact that this day will never be topped.  I am 28 and 6 months and 6 days old. 

In the evening, Scott and I go over to Mean’s house in Waterloo, and then we all go to Zigfried on Hoxton Square.  We sit by the dancefloor and watch straight boys and girls wearing no knickers dancing to a soundtrack of: Never Too Much by Luther Vandross, Doctor Beat by Gloria Estefan, All Day And All Of The Night by The Kinks.  Then we go to Soho, where we go to my favourite Turkish place on Old Compton Street and have chicken kebabs.  This takes us to 0100, when we go home. 

On Sunday Scott and I go to the gym where we do chest, and I watch this guy who’s kinda sexy and I recognize from somewhere.  I can’t remember where.  I have a vague memory that some time in the distant past (three years ago? something like that) either he wasn’t interested in me, or I wasn’t interested in him.  Either way, I find the whole thing regretful. 

After the gym, we meet up with Alexei, Brendan and a friend of Brendan’s.  We go to Apostrophe and we sit outside, where I have a hot chocolate, which they now do in a large size, and try to hide from the sun. 

After Apostrophe, we go to The Social on Little Portland Street, where Donnell also comes. 

Donnell is not moving to Sydney with me anymore.  Donnell is going to Brighton in January for about 18 months to work there.  This Sunday afternoon, Donnell tells me that after Brighton he is planning to go to Sydney for a year or so then.  

This means that the next time Donnell and I are likely to be living in the same city (i.e. London) will be late 2011.  Right about now, I am thinking that this might be it for my friendship with Donnell. 

I leave The Social with Scott and ask him to promise me that he will always be in London, he will always be not far from me.  Scott says that he can’t promise that – he has vague long-term plans to move away.  Maybe to Sydney.  Maybe not soon, but maybe in ten years’ time.  Scott is now 33. 

I am finding it hard to deal with this.  This Sunday afternoon, standing outside The Social, I start to wonder when the time comes, when you make the choices of where you want to live, based on the people who are with you / around you, instead of adventurous whims and a youthful sense of wanderlust. 

I decided to move to Sydney for a while, because Donnell was coming with me, and because Matty and Nicole are also there at the moment.  When Donnell mentioned that he’s not coming anymore, that’s when I started having second thoughts.  If Matty wasn’t there, I would certainly not be going.  But maybe I’m just weak. 

Donnell’s frequent changes of plans, and Scott’s non-committal response about his future location makes me think of Mummy and her biggest fear about me being gay.  I will grow old alone.  From 1830 until 2135 on Sunday evening, I’m trying to feel something about this. 

41 comments:

Ben said...

Yes, life has a habit of throwing up difficult choices for us to make. I'm pretty sure most people know what the right course of action is when it really comes down to it. Unfortunately, no matter what you decide, you will always wonder what might have happened if you'd taken an alternative route. The only thing you can do is examine what (if anything) is really important to you right now, and decide on that basis.

That concludes my only non-flippant, irrelevant or surreal comment here, ever. On which subject, to the 'other' Ben who seems confused about another person with the same name posting here: I may usually be distinguished by the fact that my comments are flippant, irrelevant and/or surreal.

On which subject: So you're going to the Boxing Day test match in Melbourne, LP? I'm rather jealous.

Tim in Italy said...

This post highlights so many thoughts that whirl around my head on a daily basis: Why am I here? When should I return to the states? Should I ever return to the states? There are two boxes of cherished items stored in a friend's garage in LA. I'm finally making arrangements to have them sent here. I find that the only way I can really tolerate being here is to make a total commitment to it.

As to why I'm here, what brought me to this place, there are so many reasons, but I had to depend on myself, trust in myself. There are so few people who you can depend on and when you realize this it's quite painful. But it also spawns self reliance. Don't forget, you were going to Sydney to write. Ask your self what you want and then go from there. If you find someone to make the journey with you, all he better.

kim said...

if you do figure out what it is you're trying to feel, make sure you tell us as i'd say 90% of your readers are after that information (to some degree) and when you figure it out, i reckon 75% of all gay blogs will become redundant (the other 25% are the porn-based blogs).

Nathan said...

That's every mother's greatest fear for their gay son. And maybe my greatest fear too. But such is life... Plus the thought that you SHOULD grow old with someone is just a socialised heterocentric norm that isn't necessarily correct or best. Keep a wide group of friends. Grow old with lots of people. Continue meeting new people right up until you die (but not in clubs). Keep life fresh.

Still go to Sydney. It will be good for you. Everyone benefits from living away from their home for a while (London being your 'home' for the purposes of the gay you are today...). You'll gain a new perspective. Plus Sydney in summer is great.

Anonymous said...

Oh prep,

I have to move soon too, and Im sad that i will be leaving someone very nice who i have just become friends with. What i try to remember is that there are special people everywhere - i met this person completely randomly now, and with luck i will meet other nice random people in my new home.

The other thing I like to remind myself is that the only person you can 100% rely on is yourself.

Not sure if any of those thoughts help you, but have a wee think anyway.

Anonymous said...

Mr. London Prep a manger,
I am very sorry to read about your despair and restlessness, especially because the loop of not knowing where to go, what to do, decide to settle or eternally run away is my middle name (albeit it being long, I know). However, I believe that one of the most crucial amendments of the unwritten constitution of LP is to not be serious or sincere about emotional situations/awakenings of consciousness.
Therefore my real LP-orientated question - why did you not make ANY reference to the lyrics of "Time to Pretend" by MGMT on here? These guys obviously snorted BEE and eyefucked your pictures on here before writing this:

"I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredem and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everyting must run it's course.

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend"

Or maybe you did make tons of references and I somehow missed them, and thus am not the diehard fan I am pretending to be. In that case, shame on me and ashes on my head.

Anyway, this song is a sum up of the LP persona I believe. We are only waiting for you to come to Paris and shoot some heroin into those bulging veins of yours. Ah, I love Paris in the summer, when it sizzles, etc, etc...

Don´t be sad, and have a good day.

Anonymous said...

PS: And sorry for an awfully long and irrelevant comment.

Maluminas said...

That's also my biggest fear, to grow old alone, with no lover to share the last moments and no children to help me in this world that i will surely not recognize anymore by then :(

I'm 21 and i never had a boyfriend (or gf), that's a bad start...

Anonymous said...

if you started showing some sign that you cared about other people, they might actually make long term plans with you

george said...

you will never be alone as long as you have this blog as your readers (some of them) will keep you company.....

yeah i maybe coming over to London....so i will need one thing from you.....where should i go shopping?....george

j said...

i have the same concerns about being alone forever and i'm only 19years, 6 months, and 10 days old. but i think both of our fears are unfounded. neither of us are AARP qualified yet and there is the possibility of meeting someone "committed" at any stage in life.

Graham said...

LP,

Sounds like a great weekend, except for the bit on Sunday when Donnell and Scott pulled the very foundations of your life plans from under your feet.

I think your Mummy's fears for you as her gay son are echoed by every Mum of a gay son. I somehow doubt you'll end up alone though. You're smart and funny and that's not going to fade with age. Unless of course you develop some form of early onset dementia, but lets not think about that.

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fredparislondon said...

It s Monday 15.43 London time. I set by my desk and while my straight colleagues are talking Iphone 3G, Cricket and babies I am reading your blog as usual. What strikes me is that a week ago I was in Madrid with my best friends: ie great times, made movies like you in clubs, acted like stupid young teenagers despite that fact we are all 30+ bla bla. I know many of them for 10-12 years. They are my life, one of them is my flatmate and I know that one day he will finaly get a great boyfriend (nooooo) and he will move either to LA, NYC or Sydney (lately Notthingham...don t ask me why) another one will stop gym and his well paid job for a life in Cornwall with a dog (and two kitties called Lili la Rue and Betty Von Teese).What can we do? I think friends should be able to sign partnership or to marry so they are entitled to spend their life with us. Now I am depressed too.

michel01 said...

You're definitely obsessing, which is understandable. I'm not clear on whether you were going to be able to work at a job in Australia, or you've put enough aside to just be carefree for a few months. If it's the latter, I say go for it. If otherwise, it's more problematic perhaps. Either way, twenty-eight is really too young to worry about ending up "alone." Your friendships and love relationships will change and expand and seem to shrink, then expand again for a long time... You can't freeze your life at some perfect point--this point is far from perfect anyway, as you'll realize some day looking back. What's that old Greek saying about not being able to step into the same river twice? (Panta rhao or something...?)

Superchilled said...

The people who love you will always be there for you - even if they're continents away. But it is nice to have them just a little closer when the reverberation of their voices and the little quirks that endear them are close at hand. But then - you don't want to be the only one left when everyone else has migrated to Sydney.

Oldyeller said...

Nah, you're too quirky, funny, and good looking to grow old alone. Its inevitable that some friends will move out of your life (Donnell will not be one of them I'll bet), but others will move in. Stick to your original gameplane--don't be sidetracked by changes in others' plans.

Anonymous said...

Do you think sans-homosexuality LP would be any different?

There are hundreds of thousands of lonely elderly straight people. It's a crass stereotype but those I know who have opted not to have children seem to retain a healthy social life, whereas most of married parents I know seem to have an ever decreasing circle of friends until they're about 65, divoced and have a handful of acquaintances with occasional visits from grown up children.

Fresco said...

Hello LP. This is a bit / totally off topic.

I’ve just been to Kos and I must say that I liked the Greek people very much, so I guess I have to like you too. :-)

So there I was sitting in this tavern on a terrace having lunch (Greek salad, what else?) and there was a boy sitting at a table, the son of the boss, and this boy was 16? 17? maybe 18, and I guess you must have looked just like him when you were his age.

The resemblance was striking: the mouth, the eyes (I’m sorry, but I’ve seen the eyes), longer hair than you have now, not so muscled as you are now, unaware of the future that’s waiting for him by moving away from this Kos island to a central European capital, getting very muscled indeed and / or getting destroyed by the emptiness of life.

And all the time I thought: this boy could’ve been London Preppy when he was that age: quietly sitting at a table, drinking a frappé, reading a newspaper, and when friends came to join him at his table, he had a nice smile, he had a sexy voice and he still had hopes.

I don’t comment much, but I had to tell you this, and I want you to know that I read your blog every day and that I love your writing style; it’s a continuous inspiration for me.

http://elegant-slumming.blogspot.com/2008/07/36-lazy-greek-sunday.html

Ben said...

Never Too Much by Luther Vandross, Doctor Beat by Gloria Estefan, All Day And All Of The Night by The Kinks

Top choons to dance too!

As for your mother's greatest fear: that's something that everyone who is gay probably fears, and maybe everyone in general. BUt it is something that few people speak about out loud, but everyone must think about sometimes.

As for the Oz thing - do it! Go! Don't let other people changing their minds put doubts in yours!

Chin up :)

Alex said...

I'm sorry for your predicament. This entire post made me very somber. Being youthful and waiting to start a new gay life once college begins, it seems scary that I may drift along pointlessly- caught in the maelstrom of work and money that seems to be life, and never find true meaning.

Happiness is the end-all, isn't it LP? (Even for you) Backing out of Sydney is the smart choice if your only reason for going is to 'stick with the plans'.

London Preppy said...

ben: Yes, apparently I am going. Matty is dragging me. I'm not one to say no

tim: When I moved to England, and for the first few years, I would go back to Athens to visit and then bring back endless bags of old CD's, magazines, etc. I wanted to have a feeling of permanent residence here in the UK. I don't know why I'm telling you this, you just reminded me it with the two boxes that you're havign sent to Italy

kim: In that case, I will keep my (non-existent) feeling to myself

nathan: Oh I'm going. But I have to make a meal of it beforehand, don't I?

anon: "The only person you can rely on..." This is true but still upsetting

anon: Excellent, excellent reference with the lyrics. Bravo. I'm playing the song right now as I'm typing this

London Preppy said...

maluminas: 21 is to young to worry about not having had a relationship. And this comes from me, someone who despairs about EVERYTHING!

anon: Wow, you don't seem presumptuous at all and you demonstrate a very thorough knowledge of how I behave with my friends. Are you stalking me?

george: Selfridges. Or Topman at Oxford Circus

j: I'll keep my fingers crossed then. Please do too

graham: And also let's pretend that I already haven't

London Preppy said...

fredparis: I strongly support this friendship commitment contract thing. Let's make this official. I'm emailing Stonewall

michael: Oh my God, very good Greek reference! (Ta panta ree)

superchilled: And everyone seems to be doing so!

oldy: I will. I wish others would stick to their original plans too though

anon: No, I guess it's not different for straight people. But partly because I'm gay and also because I live away from any sort of family/relatives, I depend on my friends a lot

London Preppy said...

fresco: Thanks for commenting this, it's a sweet story. I think I might have looked at the kid and thought similar thoughts!

ben: It was amazing! I might have danced if I were with more people than Mean too

alex: No, I still want to go over. Right now I'm actually not scared. It's 2025. Ask me again at 2027 though

Gav Dublin said...

You do realise that if you move to Oz you are going to feck up your northern hemosphere reader's body clocks!!

I, for one, am not very happy having to wait until morning to read what happened yesterday, if you know what I mean!!! Thats what the newspaper is for!

That, obviously and unfortunately, is not sufficient reason for you not to go!

Anonymous said...

er... go. if you dont like it, come back.
no?

if theyre real friends they will always be there for you.

London Preppy said...

gav: Not to mention the break I'll have to take whilst I'm traveling there, settling in, going online, etc!

anon: That is exactly the plan. Well put

Gav Dublin said...

Indeed LP, it is outrageous behaviour on your behalf.

Mind you, if you fly business class you can still write on your laptop and update us on the hottness, or otherwise, of the stewards and the various levels of your depression as you travel through time-zones!! Not to mention the sleep depravation! Oh hell, I can't wait for it now!

GO GO GO

London Preppy said...

gav: Oh yes, can you imagine the fear, frustration, paranoia, anger, all these lovely emotions that will improve this blog 85%? It's gonna be great.

As for business class, is this true? Maybe I should have a whip-round on the blog cause I can't buy a business class ticket on my own!

Alex said...

Aussie preppy? Doesn't sound as good!

Anonymous said...

Don't feel down, you are such a nice intelligent man that you will never be without friends. It does seem to be a sad truth that when you are known and active on the scene it is hard to settle down, maybe thats because the people on the scene are still looking for fun in the main?

Timmy said...

Definitely fly Business Class. You will be grateful that you did. I did it when I went to Oz and was actually wishing I had done First. It was much better than Coach!

AlwaysReadySF said...

There are not many airlines that offer wireless internet access on their flight anymore.

Lufthansa used to offer it on their international flights but it pulled it because not enough people were buying it.

I don't think BA offers it.

Qantas is going to offer it starting in August '08 but only on the new A380...not sure what aircraft they fly from London to Sydney.

Besides, if they offer it you can easily use it from coach (mind you, it won't be free...you'll have to pay 10-20 pounds) as you can from business...it's not like they can stop the signal from going across the cabin!

As for going/not going to Australia...I think you have clearly made up your mind that you are going to go, and I agree that you should.

You are way too young - as you said to one of your bloggers - to hold back on such an experience because you are afraid. Besides, you are only going for 6 months, aren't you? That is hardly a move. It's more a long vacation. The time to go back will come before you realize it and you might find yourself wishing the stay had been longer.

And although very different from London, I have still to meet someone who did not just LOVE Sydney (and the friendly Australians!).

Anonymous said...

how about a project for you and scott? And for this project may i suggest you guys replicate this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ikke4oYge7U

dickophile said...

in ten years time i will be 28 therefore younger and sexier than scott who will be old and possibly gray/graying. so what do you say? shall i come and take his place? haha

Anonymous said...

L'Prep--Do you call your mother "Mummy" to her face or is it a funny name just for the blog? I think its kind of cute, but most (if not all) American guys (gay and straight) would sooner die than use that word.

XO
Joe in L.A.

London Preppy said...

joe: It's a word I use on here, taken from The Official Preppy Handbook

Connecticut Yankee said...

I watched "The Opposite of Sex" with Christina Ricci on Fiver last night.

It reminded me of you.

I suggest you try and catch it if it is being replayed later this weel. As everything on British TV is replayed every other day, I imagine this is a distinct possibility.

Mike said...

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London Preppy said...

mike: I can't see these, what are they?