Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Wednesday 04/06/08

By Monday morning I’m over this week already so I decide to go to work to punish myself a bit more, I deserve this, I know it and I won’t even pretend that I’m worthy of a better fate.

At lunchtime I go in Urban Outfitters and buy a pair of white plimsolls for £10, then I walk past French Connection and I see an Incredible Hulk t-shirt in the window, then I go in and try it on, then I go to the till and buy it (£25), then I participate in some small talk with the guy at the till (“Are you a fan of the movie or do you jut like the retro look of the t-shirt” / “I just...” and then silence), then I go back to work.

By Tuesday morning this week is not bothering me anymore, I’ve crossed a new threshold of not caring, I’m this guy who saw a bomb explode near him, miraculously got away without any injuries, but lost his hearing forever. Now everything’s quiet (peaceful?) but everyone around him is dead.

On Tuesday at work another birthday card is going round and this time I write:

“___ it's your birthday again, I am trying to be surprised by that, but I’m not – I’ve learnt my lesson well by now. I was hoping your birthday wouldn't come this year, and you could stay [insert age] even though I know better. But I like to punish myself like that: hope for the best and build up my expectations, only for them to be inevitably shattered, sometimes in a spectacular fashion, sometimes slowly and painfully reducing themselves to nothing. Happy birthday”

Part of this is lifted from a previous blog post (you may recognise it) but these people don’t know that, and I’m not gonna come up with original material for every birthday card I write.

On Tuesday afternoon, I consider different ways to customise the Hulk t-shirt (a rip from the neckline down? symmetrical tears on either shoulder?) and run them past A Girl. A Girl can’t decide – they all sound too good or she just doesn’t care – but when I decide on a tear on top of the left shoulder along the stitching she says yes, yes that’s the perfect way to do it, there’s not other option, and if I change my mind about this she’ll have to fight to her death for it, I’ll have to pull this idea out of her dead, cold hands.

On Tuesday many other things happen and these things concern “love”, which is something that I need to talk about but certainly not on this blog, so I just talk to ___ and ___ instead. It doesn’t help.

On Tuesday evening, around bedtime, I’m making a list of the current obsessions in my head, obsessions which don’t connect with my intellect, as alternative to counting sheep to help me fall asleep.

And at number one comes my current obsession with ___ (a guy I’m not talking about here at the moment, but might do in the future), and I try to plan a conversation in my head, to find out where he lives, next time I talk to him. And the conversation goes:

Me: Hi, how are you?
Him: Hi, alright thanks, you? (or something)
Me: Good thanks. Listen, where are you from originally, I can’t tell accents very well.
Him: Blah blah blah
Me: Oh and can I have your home address please? I'm planning to spend the rest of my life working on scientific experiments trying to make myself invisible and when I've done that I'll turn up at your house and take turns between watching you in silence and raping you.

And almost happy with a plan in my head, I fall asleep.

28 comments:

teppy said...

Does nobody at your work think these birthday comments are a little bleak?! I used the term 'fun-stick' once & was almost fired!

Tim in Italy said...

I've started thinking of your blog as 'Fear and Loathing in Zone One'. I'm totally addicted... to what, I'm not sure.

My invisible man fantasy is a bit different. With me, I just follow beautiful boys home and watch them shower, jerk off, make love, etc. Who's to say it's not a fantasy, though? Who could say? Be careful what chair you sit in tonight, LP!

kim said...

forget the book LP; go for preppy birthday/greeting cards!!!

An entire range of London Preppy Greeting Cards (would slot in nicely next to The Far Side cards) ... I'll arrange the printing and design, will need someone for distribution (any takers?) and someone to secure shelf space ... lets do lunch.

Alex said...

Shockingly, you don't seem that happy! One thing I see from your post is that you are generally sad (or at least lethargic), but you purposefully beat the idea around more and more until you feel like some emotionless shell... which still will unfortunately leave you with nothing but your sadness to console you.

Of course I'm no psych- I could be completely off. But it seems that besides femininity and enthusiasm for arts and fashion, depression acts as a more discrete trademark of gays as well.

Gert said...

I like the single LP. He writes more, and less focused. There seems to be less facade going on.

Shop people starting a conversation on the clothes you are purchasing. I don't know. Scary. Was the guy doing anthropological research to the artistic sensitivities of the clientele or was he showing an interest in you personally?

Kevin said...

A non sequitur: I just watched some HI-larious footage of the drunkness in the Tube two nights ago as a response to the recent drinking ban that's been put into place. Apparently, it was mobbed with people spraying beer everywhere and getting arrested. I hope you participated in the festivities. Did you?

Jeff said...

you could buy a shirt thats too small and then put it on and see where that rips naturally first- then copy the rips on any other shirt.

Connecticut Yankee said...

So I hate to be a copy cat on Gill, but I have to say 'great blog'. I don't know how I found it, think I was googling 'workout buddies' and I landed on a blog of you stalking some dudes at the gym. Seriously entertaining. You should write a book. Could not put it down, even at work.

j said...

you stole my plan

Erik said...

Hey hows it going mate. i've been reading your blog for a while and i have to say yuor life is pretty interesting.

However i was looking at your list of the guy you want, and no one seemed to comment on the fact that all your looking for in a guy are completely superficial outside traits that have nothing to do with the inner qualities of a person.

It just made me sort of disappointed. You just turned yourself back into every other gay guy in the world looking for a jock indie boy with no real tangible inner qualities other than" smart".

Erik said...

Hey hows it going mate. i've been reading your blog for a while and i have to say yuor life is pretty interesting.

However i was looking at your list of the guy you want, and no one seemed to comment on the fact that all your looking for in a guy are completely superficial outside traits that have nothing to do with the inner qualities of a person.

It just made me sort of disappointed. You just turned yourself back into every other gay guy in the world looking for a jock indie boy with no real tangible inner qualities other than" smart".

dickophile said...

wait. whats this? theres a guy you like and we know nothing about him? you better bring this boy home for dinner young man i want to meet him. otherwise i forbid you to see him. but you can rape him if you like.

Graham said...

LP,
This new guys sounds pretty great. I can't wait to hear more about him, if you do decide to talk about him here.

What are the reactions to your sentiments on the birthday cards in the office?

London Preppy said...

teppy: They are becoming infamous. But people like what I write I think

tim: Eek. And I'm home alone 99% of the time!

kim: Are you in? I'm in

alex: I'm happy and I'm unhappy. But when I'm unhappy I feel like writing more

gert: I think he was trying to make small talk. To the wrong person

London Preppy said...

kevin: I would have liked to go and watch the carnage, but in the end I didn't bother to walk the two minutes to my tube station

jeff: Nice tip, thanks!

connecticut: Thanks a lot mate :-)

j: Sorry!

erik: I don't know, I'd say education and reading and taste in music are not a superficial outside traits, are they?

dickophile: Don't worry if there were anyone to meet, I would introduce him to the exntended family

graham: As mentioned above, people like the card writing. It's becoming a bit of a thing

AlwaysReadySF said...

Glad you are back to your more gloomy and less chirpy self. No happy go lucky guy ever wrote anything interesting so why would you be an exception to the rule, right? :)

...and if the results of your scientific experiment are positive, please do share the invisible potion with us. I know that I would love to stalk a few people of my own (a couple of trainers at my gym to start with!)

Tom Cat from Bondi Beach said...

eeew L.P. Do not ever joke about rape. Never funny.

London Preppy said...

always: They never did, did they? Happy people: talentless

tomcat: Right

Alfred said...

yes i am back. Long time no read your blog.This is very interest birthday card.Is it a jock or serious. Did he give you feedback or what did he said.If someone give me like this.I will doing something(is good thing)

Gill said...

Morning LP,

Loving your work still. It has just the right amount of acidic commentary to make me pay attention.

Well since I (gratefully) recieved some book ideas from you I've now migrated to swiping fashion ideas.....

If there develops a trend in guys wearing ripped t-shirts and white plimsolls hanging around Zone 1 I will blame you.

Anyway. You've got some explaining to do. I've been reading Camus (one of your recommended reads) and his concept of 'Absurdidty' is mans wait for life to begin until he reaches a point where youth is gone and suddenly he realises time is slipping away and rushes to live.

I say stalk that new guy....stalk him like you've never stalked a guy in your life (i.e. get a cheap Pay as you go phone and 'drop' it in his gym bag etc. Then later call him on it. Arranging to collect it...BINGO. One home address and a thank you drink !)

Gill

Anonymous said...

When do we get to see your dick again? Please? Most of us read the blog cause you're fit...

London Preppy said...

alfred: It's definitely a jock. That's what I'd like it to be anyway

gill: Quite seriously this is a brilliant idea. You didn't just come up with it did you? I think we deserve to know past experiences of having put this into practice. Please share if there are any

anon: Nah, don't make generalisations about 1,400 a day just because you can't go five minutes without having someone wave a dick in your face. Innit

george said...

you're a riot.....love the birthday card comment. it is so hard to think of things to say especially at work when you hardly know them. what's even worst is when someone leaves.

keep it coming red rover.....george

gill said...

Worryingly I thought of it whilst sitting at my desk this morning (last 2 days before I switch jobs. Law stuff. Cases & files taken by colleagues. Therefore I honestly don't have anything better to do! )

Speaking of which on my travels around the internet I found more Suede T-shirts if you're interested.

Oh and if you're really into the whole stalking using a mobile phone you can combine it with http://www.mobilelocate.co.uk/demo.htm. Register your phone and check its location as it is carried by your unwitting future lover to his bedroom ! (Totally legal by the way)

Ok...now I'm worrying myself with how disturbingly easy I could become a stalker type person.

Yes I have done somethings that upon hindsight could qualify as stalker-esque...mainly to ex's that I felt I couldn't trust. (I was right about one)

I'm off to read my book in one of the spare conference rooms.

Thanks again for the entertaining blog.

Gill

Mean said...

I expect something funny and original in my birthday card on Saturday please.

Oldyeller said...

I think you would be proud of me- lying awake at 3:30 last night, my mind involuntarily started trying to think up witty birthday greetings for cards in my office. I can't remember if I came up with anything good, but I'm sure they're not as funny or well-written as yours. By the by, (1)you must have to use tiny handwriting so as not to take up all the space on the card (a weighty matter indeed); and (2) no offense, but I have practically no desire to see your willy.

London Preppy said...

gill: Yes, please for the Suede t-shirts - where?

oldy: I now get given the cards first so I can do my thing. But yes, I do take up a lot of space and everyone else writes around ha ha

Jack in Sydney said...

MEAN said 'please?'

It's a sign of the apocolypse! AIGH!