I don’t really like receiving advice because everyone else is a bloody idiot and I don’t really like giving advice either, because so am I.
But I thought I’d occasionally write a post describing how I do certain things, not because I think that people should act the same way, but because I need to keep a record of this miserable existence I am leading, an existence that is already dragging to an unbearable degree at my 28 (is it really though?) years. And I will be writing these posts in a mock-imperative style, just to copy the manner of Guy Browning (writer with The Guardian) and Lisa Birnbach (iconic writer of The Official Preppy Handbook); those two along with Bret Easton Ellis, being my writing influences. You know how bands claim to be influenced by legendary artists of past decades and they end up sounding completely shit and nothing like them? E.g. Oasis and The Beatles, Justin Timberlake and Michael Jackson? That sort of thing.
I will keep with topics I know of course, like a) going to the gym, b) reading a book, c) being equally narcissistic and self-loathing, d) buying clothes, e) plodding through life in a pointless manner, f) working in an office, g) resisting the temptation to draw parallels between points (e) and (f).
Today: going to the gym.
Some people don’t like going to the gym during peak hours. I’m not judgemental, but these people are usually fat and ugly. Going to the gym at any other time apart from the post-work 1815 mayhem, indicates that you are a loser who likes to hide away from the rest of the world, and not in the imposed / forceful manner that Cyndi Lauper describes in her hit song Girls Just Want To Have Fun (sample lyric: “some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world”). So forget about early morning work-outs, lunchtime work-outs and midnight work-outs, and get your arse down there at 1800 when everyone else does.
Walk in and hand your membership card to the Slovenian bird at reception with a stern look, don’t smile at her (you don’t want to get too friendly as this might undermine your credibility in the future when you’re screaming at her for not letting you in when you’ve forgotten your card at some point), maintain steely eye contact. In fact, this is the only eye contact you are allowed from now on. Catching anyone else’s eye, either in the changing room or on the actual gym will lead them to believe that you are flirting or that you are easy, available and looking. And looking is a totally undignified way of finding.
Get changed and continue into the gym with a blank face and your headphones firmly jammed into your ears. Be mindful of what you’re listening, it must certainly not have a beat, it must be completely inappropriate, it must not be easily recognised by the cruisy gay who will walk past you 16 times just to see what you’re playing on your iPod (trust me, he will). Suggested gym listening is, therefore, 80s gothic rock (Bauhaus, The Cure), early 90s shoegazing indie (Ride, My Bloody Valentine), anything that will put people off who might have otherwise talked to you if they saw you were playing Confessions On A Dancefloor, really.
Have a printout of your workout schedule in your pocket, and keep examining it between exercises, even though you’ve been doing the same thing for five years and know perfectly well what’s coming next. This will give you an air of humility amongst fellow gym goers, who will relate to your wide-eyed, “I’m new to the gym”, I-don’t-quite-know-my-way-around act. People like it when others appear vulnerable; it makes them feel better about themselves.
Mind you, if you need to get on a machine and some single fat girl or a skinny guy is sat there taking 10-minute rests between sets, because this is just another hopeless attempt to get fit which will never work because they lack any motivation whatsoever, you have every right to turn back into the twat that you really are, start giving them “fuck off” looks and eventually go up to them, pull your headphones out and spit at them: “excuse me, are you actually using this” (you must always be polite).
When you’re done with whatever it is that you’re doing, go back in the changing room, undress, keep your underwear on, wrap your towel around your waist, go and shower, dry yourself in the shower cubicle, put your underwear back on, return with your dignity intact. You don’t avoid appearing naked because you’re shy or because you have a tiny willy (which you do, but so what), but because you are the story, you are the star and you simply don’t want to satisfy everyone’s curiosity by appearing naked in front of them. An easy rule to follow in matters of public / changing room nudity is this: “what would Jonny Wilkinson do?” Would Jonny Wilkinson go to the lido in Tooting Bec, South London and parade around in the changing rooms with his knob hanging out? No, he wouldn’t. And neither should you.
45 comments:
You have girls at your gym? Wow.
nix: Oh yeah, that was just creative writing
I'd rather be alone in the gym than be haunted by dismissing stares of muscle queens. And yes, I'm fat (and ugly because of that).
Don't get me wrong, if I will ever be toned and slim - I will be just as dismissing and judgemental as them.
alex: Fair enough.
I'll put this disclaimer on now anyway for all readers (not that I care what people might think anyway): this is meant to be a humorous post. Any post that includes the line "I’m not judgemental, but these people are usually fat and ugly" cannot / should not be taken literally. OK, I'm done now
Well, humorous or not - it sums my own early morning observations pretty well.
THAT was fucking brilliant!
Now where is that tip jar?
deikse: Thank you, thank you. In the usual place of course
I love your brutal honesty.
Stripping the veneer of civility that we cloak ourselves with to enable us to 'plod' along with life ( guess its asymptomatic of the office worker ?)
I do have to say though, that I like seeing fat people in the gym. It gives me hope that they're trying to improve themselves and leave the Pizza's, McDonalds and junk alone..... Actually that's bollocks.
Truth is I'd rather see a fat sweaty munter working out. It makes me feel a sense of faux altruism that is really nothing more than a shield for my vanity. Preventing the exposure that rather than care about fatty-boo in the corner I'm just relishing the fact that I know without the usual broiling, seething self-doubt that at that instant, I know I'm the cutest, fittest guy in the gym at that point in time !!
Thy name is vanity....but fuck it. If I've got it, I'll bloody well show it, use it, and relish it.
the fat and ugly bit was funny.. but then i was struck hard by the skinny comment :'(... struck hard.
oh, LP, your words pierce further than a less-than-lethal weapon ever could..
alex: I'm playing with cliches that people throw around to deem others unattractive.
This sounds like idealistic bollocks but attractiveness takes many forms
nice post indeed. sums up everybody's gym experience quite nicely. (where r the rare anorexic girls?)
r u watching the game tmrw?
anon: Oh yeah, the rare anorexic girls! Sometimes see one and she does weights (max 2kg of course). I don't get it.
Of course watching the game!
The only time to avoid the gym for me is when the Uni American Football team all show up at once and "work out" together. Hot one time; bloody annoying every other.
In any case, fat people always stick to the cardio room.
Oh- it's fine, LP. I hold to the conviction that my beautiful face will subdue criticism of my Jack Skellington-esque physique.
Anyway, thanks for the highly witty and entertaining post!
LP,
"attractiveness takes many forms"
How very true. Not to mention that what one person calls skinny, another calls defined. It all depends on an individuals perspective. Like I know that what I think of as being 'very muscled' is a lot more muscled than some of my friends would think.
tim: Wow. I would like to see that sight please. I expect a wide range of quality of course, but it sure sounds interesting
graham: (insert smiley) You should see how different my tastes are with my friends, e.g. Donnell, Scott. I certainly don't understand theirs (Donnell: anyone from South America who's taken steroids, Scott: anyone who's taken TOO MANY steroids) and they don't understand mine (quite often a quintessentially English blue-eyed face will do it for me, regardless of the fact they've never been inside a gym)
LP has a small willy?
now you ar a jerk off. i go to the gym at 10 because it is less crowded. duh. and i am like 5'11 160.
Ah, English blue-eyed guys - probably the main reason why I moved to UK :-)
a question: do you take any interest in actual fitness?
I recall you saying something about not enjoying cardio work more intense than walking -- something relating to your illness that made/makes you fatigue quickly.
I'm not talking about kick-boxercise classes, etc, I mean hard fought conditioning drills that make you wish you were dead? Sounds fun hey. My question is mainly out of interest as I don't think I've ever come across other gay guys interested in this type of training.
LP,
I agree completely. Some of my friends think (and always pass comment) that because I go to the gym a lot, that I should only be into muscled/worked out guys, but that doesn't matter really. It's nice, yes, but it wouldn't be the deal breaker. And some of the guys my friends like are just not at all what I would even look twice at. Maybe thats a good thing, so we don't fight over men!!
Sensational post mate, one of your best for the year.
There's a bloke at my gym (a work gym, so it probably doesn't count) that not only gets naked, but makes sure everyone gets a good look too.
He is, of course, hung like a donkey. He always sings in the shower, and is very brash and loud (the confidence coming from the large penis, I presume).
Not only does he spend and absolute AGE naked (fixes his hair before putting on pants etc.), but he takes NO towel into the shower area (no shower cubicals here). When he is done showering/singing, he grabs a couple of PAPER TOWELS and dries himself off slowly, ensuring maximum penis exposure. Did I mention he was hung like a donkey?
Anyway, it is very entertaining, and I leave the changing room (in my fat and ugly shuffling manner) in a perkier mood than days when he's not there.
Bless him.
"And looking is a totally undignified way of finding." Brilliant. You will be quoted.
That's why I never go to public gyms or pools: the politics of these places! Plus, I'm really skinny (127 pounds) and I really don't want to be surrounded by overconfident gym freaks or 200 pound lard asses. They represent at least in my imagination the main population of a gym.
But your post was extremely enjoyable.
...and welcome to West Hollywood.
You've summed up every gym in the city limits.
"Get changed and continue into the gym with a blank face and your headphones firmly jammed into your ears."
I do this so that people won't talk to me. If they do, then I am overly dramatic when I have to stop the iPod and take off the earphones. When I'm tired of listening to their blah, blah, blah, I put the earphones back on even while the blah, blah blah continues.
....and if someone dares speak to you, you should stare at them with a look of faint disdain, slowly pull one side of the headphone from your ear and with the other one still in (you don't REALLY want to listen to what he/she has to say, but you know you have to be polite) say slowly and deliberately: "I am sorry, where you talking to me? I just hadn't noticed you"
This made me think of you.
http://students.cs.byu.edu/~hit/neruda_15.htm
I'm as creeped out as you are.
Tim I know what you mean. At my university gym this happens a lot. It seems like every time I go to the gym some team is working out and making me lose (lose meaning by being around people taller, more muscled, and therefore more attractive than me). Not only is it american football it's, basketball team, soccer team, swim team, track team, rowing team, wrestling team, different track team, baseball team, and the multitude of martial arts teams.
And obviously when I'm done my workout and head to the change room they follow me in. And they have no shame (nor should they with bodies like theirs) they just change right in front of my homosexual eyes. They come right out the showers and whip the towel off! SICK I know! I always get scared and have to talk to myself not to look for fear of getting found out. It's so hard not to look, stupid INAH3.
anon: Yes, tiny
edward: I am a jerk off. I didn't focus very much on the rest of your comment, cause I liked that and it distracted me. PS. Gymming at 10? Do we not have a job?
alex: They're good, aren't they? Aah!
kim: I would definitely be interested in being really good at something like that. Or some sport perhaps. But I'm not
woodsman: Thank you!
stephen: Nice. I guess that's how having big willy makes you behave. I wouldn't know
michael: Thanks. I like that line too. I'll put it in my favourites' document when I can be bothered to compile one
julien: You really, really shouldn't worry what people that also go there are like. I'd say that nobody really pays attention to others in a gym, I genuinely think they're quite friendly environments overall
jim: Really? Oh. Maybe they're not then (see comment above)
timmy: Mid-sentence? Ha ha. Nice
always: Or just shout "I CAN'T HEAR YOU" pointing at your headphones, but not take them off obviously
b-ag: Thanks for sending this. I like it
Y'see... I alternate between being as contemptuous as your post on some occassions regarding certain gym goers, to being the biggest cheerleader possibly of fatties at the gym - in fact there's nothing I like more than seeing a fatty come along to a class and actually try and shift said fat.
And on both occassions me feelings are entirely authentic. Hmm...
Of course it's always a bit sad as classes so very rarely change people's shape (not that it's all about shape, I'm sure they will live longer for having exercised) which is why I always suggest resistance.
Meanwhile, given it's my first summer in London I'm both amused and disgusted by June's pandemic-level steroid bloat! I swear to God half the people at my (gay) gym have swelled up like Zeppelins. The ones who've started to rip up are the dirty cheaters that I really hate, mind you...
hahaha...you're such a big muscle mary. i imagine you exactly the way you are.......george
Nice and amusing story about on the gym. may be i will join in gym membership.So had you try another think like yoga,gymnastice......something like this.
i meant 10pm. i guess i should have said 2200.
I always avoid the gym at peak times. Not because I'm fat, skinny, or - heaven forbid - ugly, but because you can never get onto the machines you want. There's always some steroid monster hogging the bench press and you end up spending twice as long in the gym as you would have done had you gone earlier, but getting less work done.
You've reminded me of the past times when I actually went to a gym and there was a fat naked bloke getting changed near the door in the changing room. He saw I wanted to leave but remained bent over, pointing his arse in my direction. Each time I moved round to get to the door he'd do the same, so his arse would follow me round, like a machine gun on a turret. He chuckled while all I could manage was a nervous look of biliousness. I eventually escaped.
As an American who has never had a British friend or spent any significant time in England (6 hours total), I find your use of the Engl. language interesting. On one hand I'm surprised that so much of the slang you use is identical to ours, while on the other there is always a word or two that I've never seen before. "Knob" as a synonym for dick is new to me (great word), but willy is not. When you used the word "twat", I assume you mean supid, idiotic, tasteless; in the U.S., it refers to female genitalia. "Bollocks" is new to me--I understand its a snyonym for bullshit? "Innit" is strictly British and just seems to uselessly hang at the end of a sentence (isn't it? eh?).
And by the way, you "jerk off" (American I think), I workout at lunchtime (neither fat nor ugly thank you very much) and proudly parade around the lockerroom with my tiny American knob hanging out for all to see.
"Would Jonny Wilkinson go to the lido in Tooting Bec, South London and parade around in the changing rooms with his knob hanging out? No, he wouldn’t. And neither should you."
Im sorry I disagree - he would get on with it naked as its easier than being a towel - the same approach any rugger boy who has spent the last 30 years nekkid in changing rooms with 15 plus close friends at a time.
Further still if he were with pale floppy fringed public schoolesque friends and been anywhere near booze in the last week would probably insist on a pre shower game of sticky biscuit.
Thats the fantasy i'm keeping to.
Oh how strange...one of the comments is left by the friend (and possibly more) of a regrettable ex. The world is far, far too small.
I like my world to be neatly compartmentalised and pigeon holed under my crass stereotypes and loathe it when they mix.
nathan: Yes, steroid summer. Aren't gym gays a horrible, horrible demographic? No seriously they/we really are
george: But...but to be a muscle mary I have to be muscly surely. "I am toned"
alfred: No, I've never done anything like that
sulky: Just clicked through your blog. Why did you only post once? Did you change your mind?
quigley: Hmmm...I don't know how I would have handled this either to be honest (handled NOT being the operative word)
oldy: I'm glad I can help educate with British slang, even though it's definitely not going to be useful ever! Twat means the same here literally, but as an insult it means probably something similar to jerk
fleetmonkey: I kinda agree, but at the same time Jonny Wilkinson has lots of complexes and I don't think he's appear naked in front of non-rugby players especially now that he's very famous
anon: OK. I'll stay out of this! I don't know who you might mean anyways
Hi Preppy,
Well the truth is, I decided I much prefer reading your blog to writing my own. Also, I'm kind of fictional and the person who created me is far too busy writing other things to give me much of a life story right now. Maybe when his book is done...
I'll say this... I've worked in the fitness industry for about 8 years and have travelled around world and been to many many gyms... and I've never seen anything quite like London.
Even the gayest gym in San Francisco wasn't as steroidy. Well... it was close... but it was in the older demographic and I'm sure a lot of them were in part trying to cancel out the muscle degrading effects of HIV/antivirals.
It's the number of young guys doing it that surprises me the most. When you've probably got 40 years left in you, why fuck with your body so badly. (I mean, at least wait until you're mid 30s and you're natural testosterone levels start to fall/metabolism slows)
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