Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Wednesday 07/05/08

Both Tuesday and Wednesday are very warm and not even cloudy warm, which is the good kind of warm, but sunny warm, which is not.  If I wanted sunny warm I would have stayed in Athens, well that’s not strictly true, I would have stayed in Athens if my parents had moved to London or perhaps if modern civilisation had reached it, but the point is that I don’t like sunny warm anyway.  

I am particularly averse to the sun now that I’m trying to not-be-tan, so both those days at lunchtime, I go out but I try to keep in the shade, which is nearly impossible when you try to cross the street, so unless I want to go around the block in circles I have to occasionally be exposed to the lethal (i.e. tanning) sun rays.  This Tuesday and Wednesday lunchtime, I am starting to think that I’ll have major problems in Sydney. 

So I go to Boots and I buy two bottles of sunscreen with factor 50 which I don’t really trust but need to have anyway (that is not going to keep anyone pale, is it) and then I go back to the office and I’m actually relieved to be back.  There I’ve said it: I prefer to be at work than outside.  

After work on Tuesday I decide to skip the gym, I’m too tired from not having slept on Sunday night, so I go straight home.  On the way home I wonder why it’s acceptable for women to turn up at work wearing vests / flip flops / short skirts / bathing suits and men have to stick with shoes / trousers / shirts no matter how hot it is, but I don’t ponder on this too much – not much has gone my way over the last 28 years and it’s not going to start now. 

On the positive side (is there one?) when I take the rubbish out later I walk opposite a pub that’s near my house and there’s a guy outside, a guy in his late 20s sitting on the floor wearing a t-shirt, shorts and flip flips, shorts that are pulled up so that his pasty white naturally athletic straight boy legs will catch the sun, and this guy is drinking a pint and talking on his phone in a way that I think might be described “enthusiastically” by somebody more comfortable with that word than I am, and I like this guy a lot. 

But even if I were to build a dungeon underneath my flat and kidnap this guy and lock him up there for the following 23 years in order to repeatedly rape him and father his seven children, some of which would stay down there with him and some of which I’d bring upstairs to live with me and my wife… 

…yes he might stay white due to the lack of sun exposure, but he would also lose his naturally athletic straight boy legs due to lack of exercise / participating in kickabouts in the park with his mates, and what use would he be to me then? 

So I don’t.

34 comments:

Dick Pics said...

hahaha. that last part, best ever!! you've really been stepping up your game lately.

London Preppy said...

dick: Thanks! But from now on, the only way is down? Probably

Dick Pics said...

so maybe i should just stop reading now and be able to remember you like this. at your best. before it all went to shit. you think? no. i love a good train wreck.

Nix said...

Surely you can fit gym equipment in your dungeon?

With nothing else to do, he'll be massive and pale, in no time.

Anonymous said...

LP when you get to aussie theres no way you can stay pale. we all laugh at you milk bottle legged poms when you come over, its like youve never seen the sun...which by the way you haven't - the true force of our UV streaming sky god is only realised when you no longer have the cover of ozone to protect you! mwahahaha!

Michael said...

You're absolutely right. They wouldn't be any use to you, but you could always force him to work the legs on a regular basis. Alternate deadlifts and squats.

Alpha Omega said...

So let me ask this question or two...

How much of your writing is fiction and how much is fact?

You place a red bar over your eyes in pics but then place an video of yourself on the blog then promptly remove it after a few hours? People can easily Google your magazine covers to discover what you look like and can probably do the same in finding out your name. Do you not want your true identity associated with LP?

I guess what I am asking, is LP truly you or an identity like Bruce Wayne/Batman?

I love your writing and find you and/or the LP persona interesting and funny. I have even discussed you in my Masters program.

Give up the office job and write full time. You could make a killing.

Cheers...

Alpha Omega

AlwaysReadySF said...

London is just amazing when the weather is warm...I actually really like it. And - speaking from personal experience - SPF 50 really DOES work to keep you nice and pale! I have been using SPF 35+ for the past year or so and spent almost 3 entire weeks in the sun in February and came back as pasty white as I left...:)
I particularly liked the 30 or 35 SPF from Piz Buin...comes in a spray-on that doesn't get sticky or oily.

billybudd said...

I think that's a great way to save a loveless marriage; an easy way to get new kids without the messy 'sex with wife' bit.

I'm sure you could find a way to keep them legs toned. Cheer up!

London Preppy said...

nix: Mmm...massive and pale, what a combination of words. Actually I have a new story about somebody massive and pale which happened today, and I'll write it later in the week

anon: I have to say I lived in Greece for 18 years and I was still white. Then I started going on sunbeds etc and that's what started making a difference. And I love milk bottle legged poms :-)

michael: I suppose that's the point of having a slave eh, make him do what I likes!

alpha: They're all games obviously. I'm kinda hiding behind my finger. I just think it adds to the fun.

Now what's this about the Masters mention?

always: We'll see eh, I'll be trying the 50 over the weekend

billy: I'll just have to find an explanation for all these kids turning up I guess...

Ben said...

I know what you mean about the women in the heat - I was in Covent Gdn this lunchtime, all suited and booted, complete with tie (ugh) as had important business to attend to, and surrounding me were open necked shirts, flip flopped women, and even some topless semi-hunks. I have such a hard life.

The last part about the dungeon is legendary!

Dmom said...

LP,
how did you get so good at bloging? i have a lone struggiling blog with 1 hit would you be interested reading it?

Mike said...

on sunny days during lunch you could always use an umbrella. there's an asian lady who lives near me that does. nobody ever notices.

London Preppy said...

dmom: Keep doing it relentlessly and people will eventually get used to it and not notice whether you're really good or not, it's worked for me

mike: Ha ha, you may be joking but you don't realise how right you are. I was thinking today whether I could possibly carry a parasol. I decided not. But you sound like you could convince me. So this Asian lady goes unnoticed you say? ;-)

Oldyeller said...

I think you need to get over this pale fixation by arranging a workout session with your tasty but pasty English Personal Trainer (with the fetching chest rash). After his inevitable fall from grace, you'll be back to the tanning beds which you have to admit enhance your definition a bit.

London Preppy said...

oldy: They definitely enhance your definition yes. But I don't really mind. I just like the pale look A LOT. A I mentioned in a comment above, another pale guy story coming up

polislag said...

Re the basement scenario, I'm a little disappointed. Isn't that what the stationary bike was invented for?

Missed you at the gym...

Trybaby said...

Now you are stealing from Austrian News?! How low will you sink Mr. London Preppy... if that IS even your real name. Did you steal that too? From.....Japanese news? HMMM!! 8/

PS: It's because she's an old Asian lady, not because people don't notice. Old people are just given carte blanche because they are old and you should just let them be. And anyways if you tell them they won't care because they are old and aren't bothered by some kid telling them what they should or should not do.

EbbTide said...

Oh LP, who doesn’t love a parasol? Great idea Mike! I’m thinking of that 19th Century dandy-in-colonial-India-dressed-head-to-toe-in-ivory- linen-with-white-parasol-held-aloft-by-pasty-yet-muscled-lackey-from-the-cellar look. While the two of you would be a glowing vision in whiteness, I’m certain you could get by unnoticed.

Jeff said...

it's funny hearing someone actually want pale skin. However pale straight boy legs was, I'm paler. I don't think it's possible for someone to get whiter than me. I'm not kidding, think albino.

Alpha Omega said...

LP...

In my masters program we were discussing Aristotle and the use of rhetoric in leadership and writing. I mention how your writing skills not only convey a passion but have the ability to influence people to believe your view point. (Fact or fiction)

It was all good praise and a few other people approached me after class to get the blog address.

Again..nothing but praise. You are a great writer.

Ciao.

Alpha

Bregalad said...

"and men have to stick with shoes / trousers / shirts no matter how hot it is"

You should move to Texas. Come spring and not just us students, all professors wear tees, shorts and flip-flops too. And don't worry about tanning under the Texan sun, I, and many others, somehow manage to maintain a fairly pale complexion.

London Preppy said...

poli: I went to the other gym again. I'm sorry but I'm in love with a couple of people there...

trybaby: Not stealing, referencing. Of course I wanted people to think of the Austrian story, that's why I kept the numbers the same (23 years, 7 children, etc)

ebbtide: Ha ha. This is exactly what I want

jeff: Obviously we demand a picture

bregalad: Hm..not sure I'd like to see ANYONE I work with in shorts and flip flops though

Bregalad said...

"not sure I'd like to see ANYONE I work with in shorts and flip flops though"
Well, come to think of it, neither do I. For most, I would really prefer if they wear trousers or jeans--people need to realize when they are being just plain gross.

But for the remaining, I wish they would wear much less.

So yeah, no shorts for others.

James said...

My friend Attila managed to remain extremely pale here in Melbourne, despite the occasionally sunny weather. Have you considered a hat, perhaps a boater?

Jay said...

skinny white legs??? go to aus and quickly, so u can see what a nice tanned leg should look like ;) oh and cute vid!

Anonymous said...

DAMO


ROFL!!!!!!
OH my GAWD! hehe
Okay I'll calm down now,
.............Yer on Wikipedia!
yey! That is brilliant.
ye you exist now! lol
Well I know what ya mean about this sunny weather, i soo long for some ice and snow. I hate summer.
Are you coming back to the Uk after aussie? or ???

Anonymous said...

DAMO


ROFL!!!!!!
OH my GAWD! hehe
Okay I'll calm down now,
.............Yer on Wikipedia!
yey! That is brilliant.
ye you exist now! lol
Well I know what ya mean about this sunny weather, i soo long for some ice and snow. I hate summer.
Are you coming back to the Uk after aussie? or ???

London Preppy said...

james: I have definitely considered a hat, but the only hat that doesn't look ridiculous is a baseball cap (on me anyway) and I can't wear that with a suit!

jay: I never mentioned SKINNY white legs, now muscly white legs yes please

damo: Defo back to the UK after Sydney

Trybaby said...

Well I didn't see and citations or references... tsk tsk tsk, in school you would totally get slapped with plagiarism and a nice big fat zero. I wonder how you got your two degrees.

LOL

(I hope you get that I'm just being a fool right?Kidding around?)

Trybaby said...

Oh and it also had to be said, because judging from the comments no one seemed to know and we wouldn't want to walk away thinking you have original ideas in your head. Yes I know, I am really too nice. Practically Saint like.

Nix said...

Three American tourists (photograph), one of whom was pretend-preppy, sat near me on the tube this evening. They were chatting - loudly - about the Austrian dungeon man:

Preppy Guy: His girlfriend was his daughter.

(considered pause)

Scruffy Guy: His girlfriend was his daughter?

Preppy Guy: Yeah, man, he locked her and their kids in the basement.

(another pause)

Scruffy Guy: Dude, they must be so pale.

London Preppy said...

nix: Ha ha, I literally laughed out loud when I read this. I would have passed out had I been there

Nix said...

Yes, it was very funny. I had to concentrate really hard to continue pretending to listen to my Walkman, so they didn't realize I was actually eavesdropping.