Saturday, 17 May 2008

Saturday 17/05/08

We all remember the post about all the things I keep on my desk at work, and the significance they have.  That was a good one, wasn't it?  Almost as good as the post I'll do of Superman's bedroom and the things he keeps there, and the significance they have.  But that's a different story.  A story that hasn't happened yet.

In the meantime, here's an update on my desk situation, because things have changed since last time.  Well, they've changed a little, because we don't like change much.

1) Vitamins 

Four tubs of vitamins indicate that you are sick, you are very sick but you don’t let that get you down, you choose to be strong so you pump yourself up with artificial supplements, bite the bullet and come in to work every day to give it 150%.  The fact that they are perfectly lined up and facing the same way may hint that you have actually nothing better to do than to spend your hours obsessively positioning / rearranging objects on your desk may contradict that hard-working image, so be careful around bonus time and spoil the arrangement a bit. 

2) Toothbrush & toothpaste 

Deliberately positioned next to the vitamins, it helps further confuse imperceptive colleagues making them think that you are a person who takes care of himself.  You may be rotting and slowly dying inside, but as long as you brush your teeth at work, people will think your body is a temple.  My favourite moment regarding this arrangement occurred when a colleague walked past, offered me some sweets, I looked at him with slight contempt and declined, he took mock offence and said “yes, why don’t you take some vitamins and go brush your teeth instead”.  This is a guy who thinks he’s funny. 

3) Strath Lomond bottled water 

Keep you bottle topped up and continue sipping from it through the day.  From a distance it looks like you’re taking swigs from a bottle of vodka (again, a colleague has commented on this).  If you’re brave enough (perhaps a week before you hand in your notice because you’re moving to Australia), replace Strath Lomond bottle with actual Absolut Vodka bottle.  People will have joked enough that your water bottle looks like a vodka one and will not comment again when it actually is. 

This might make those tedious final days go a bit quicker, but do remember to keep some paracetamol handy.  Staring at the wall for eight hours is hardly any fun; you don’t need a headache on top of that. 

4) Mobile phone 

This is where the mobile phone is kept through the day (missing from picture because I’m using it to take it).  You decide to keep it there after dropping it for the 15th time (in clubs under the influence, on the street under the influence, in the gym staring at Superman) until it lost the ability to ring or vibrate.  Now your only chance of seeing you have a call is visual, so you have to keep it in your sight range at all times.  Unfortunately you can’t replace it, because it’s provided by work and you’d rather not get into details of how you broke it.

5) Jelly babies 

That’s where you keep the jelly babies you consume at 1700 before a workout, for that much needed sugar rush.  Yes, you have resorted to sugary treats, because the Red Bull unfortunately keeps you up for days – is it the caffeine, is it the taurine, is it the haunting thoughts of your messed up life coming to a crushing end, who knows?  You’d rather not take any chances anyway. 

You will find that there are 36 jelly babies in the bag.  Split those equally over two days.  Spend some time counting them carefully on your desk as you want to be precise with your diet.  You can’t have 19 jelly babies one day and 17 the next.  What the fuck would that be all about? 

This is another example where a colleague walked past as I was doing this, stopped, asked me what I was doing, I told him I was counting jelly babies so I can split them up equally, he asked me whether I’d be unhappy with an estimated 60% / 40% split, I said yes terribly unhappy, he shook his head, walked off. 

They pick on me a lot, don’t they? 

6) Laptop and monitor 

This laptop recently replaced my old computer (as seen in the previous desk post).  I was also given the biggest computer monitor in the whole office – at 19 inches.  This might seem like a perk to the casual observer, but I know better.  A 19-inch monitor that can be seen by anyone walking around even at the other end of the office seems very suspicious to me.  

In fact, if you’re given anything above 21-inches I’d start considering looking for another job.  

And if some delivery guy turns up with a big plasma screen that would not look out of place in a sports bar showing the World Cup and puts it on your desk, please walk out.  You are no longer needed there. 

7) Cutlery 

Lined up cutlery.  That’s it really.


δείξε μου το χρώμα του δεξιού χεριού σας said...

I wish I could fearlessly leave things on my desk like a toothbrush, but I've heard too many tales of pranks being played with them. Something about them being placed in orifices other than mouths and returned to their place for the unsuspecting victim. Of course, no one would dare do that to you when you carry a dagger.

Trybaby said...

Why did they change your computer?

London Preppy said...

deikse mou: Really? That's not a very nice office at all!

trybaby: I complained about it being too slow

Trybaby said...

LOL so they replaced it with a laptop and a monitor? lol Why do you need that extra monitor?

London Preppy said...

trybaby: I don't know! That's what everyone has. I'd never thought about it

Anonymous said...

Left handed ?

London Preppy said...

anon: Naturally

Dmom said...

What happened to your other items on your desk?

Anonymous said...

did you know you're the first thing that pops up on google when you search for strath lomond?

Ilovedick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dick Pics said...

this all seems to make since to me. i think you must work with a bunch of lunatics.

p.s. are you really left handed or did you just put the mouse there to make it look like you were so as to help with your image as an outsider who is nothing like the rest of us?

Alfred said...

That is very good place. what are four vitamins can pump you up 150%?SO do you give up use a gun and change to use Toothbrush & toothpaste.
is really hard imagination the moble phone.did you buy a new one.I feel laptop is not helpful i usually use the computer.Compare last year got another one diary and chang your computer.Did you change your location?

Alfred said...

That is very good place. what are four vitamins can pump you up 150%?SO are you give up use a gun and change to use Toothbrush & toothpaste.
is really hard imagination the moble phone . SO did you buy a new one.I feel laptop is not helpful i usually use the computer.Compare last year got another one diary and chang your computer.Did you change your location?

Foxx said...

LP, left handed.........I'm sure that means something, somewhere......

Alex said...

Most boring post ever.
Just sayin!

Its okay I was ready for bed anyways..g'night.

London Preppy said...

dick: Nah, I'm afraid I actuslly am left handed

Anonymous said...

So are you going to Sydney, Cause my friend loves your blog, you two should catch up... I'm straight and find you psychotic and narcissistic, but I to love your blog and read it religiously, you should think about writing a book or something, your pretty witty.

Skip said...

The toy car is in shot but neither labelled nor commented upon. Is this significant, or is it just a despised detail?

London Preppy said...

anon: If you're straight I'd rather meet you

skip: The toy car does not belong to me, it's not part of my plan. It's overspill from Fuzzy Logic's desk over the partition