Four tubs of vitamins indicate that you are sick, you are very sick but you don’t let that get you down, you choose to be strong so you pump yourself up with artificial supplements, bite the bullet and come in to work every day to give it 150%. The fact that they are perfectly lined up and facing the same way may hint that you have actually nothing better to do than to spend your hours obsessively positioning / rearranging objects on your desk may contradict that hard-working image, so be careful around bonus time and spoil the arrangement a bit.
2) Toothbrush & toothpaste
Deliberately positioned next to the vitamins, it helps further confuse imperceptive colleagues making them think that you are a person who takes care of himself. You may be rotting and slowly dying inside, but as long as you brush your teeth at work, people will think your body is a temple. My favourite moment regarding this arrangement occurred when a colleague walked past, offered me some sweets, I looked at him with slight contempt and declined, he took mock offence and said “yes, why don’t you take some vitamins and go brush your teeth instead”. This is a guy who thinks he’s funny.
3) Strath Lomond bottled water
Keep you bottle topped up and continue sipping from it through the day. From a distance it looks like you’re taking swigs from a bottle of vodka (again, a colleague has commented on this). If you’re brave enough (perhaps a week before you hand in your notice because you’re moving to Australia), replace Strath Lomond bottle with actual Absolut Vodka bottle. People will have joked enough that your water bottle looks like a vodka one and will not comment again when it actually is.
This might make those tedious final days go a bit quicker, but do remember to keep some paracetamol handy. Staring at the wall for eight hours is hardly any fun; you don’t need a headache on top of that.
This is where the mobile phone is kept through the day (missing from picture because I’m using it to take it). You decide to keep it there after dropping it for the 15th time (in clubs under the influence, on the street under the influence, in the gym staring at Superman) until it lost the ability to ring or vibrate. Now your only chance of seeing you have a call is visual, so you have to keep it in your sight range at all times. Unfortunately you can’t replace it, because it’s provided by work and you’d rather not get into details of how you broke it.
5) Jelly babies
That’s where you keep the jelly babies you consume at 1700 before a workout, for that much needed sugar rush. Yes, you have resorted to sugary treats, because the Red Bull unfortunately keeps you up for days – is it the caffeine, is it the taurine, is it the haunting thoughts of your messed up life coming to a crushing end, who knows? You’d rather not take any chances anyway.
You will find that there are 36 jelly babies in the bag. Split those equally over two days. Spend some time counting them carefully on your desk as you want to be precise with your diet. You can’t have 19 jelly babies one day and 17 the next. What the fuck would that be all about?
This is another example where a colleague walked past as I was doing this, stopped, asked me what I was doing, I told him I was counting jelly babies so I can split them up equally, he asked me whether I’d be unhappy with an estimated 60% / 40% split, I said yes terribly unhappy, he shook his head, walked off.
They pick on me a lot, don’t they?
This laptop recently replaced my old computer (as seen in the previous desk post). I was also given the biggest computer monitor in the whole office – at 19 inches. This might seem like a perk to the casual observer, but I know better. A 19-inch monitor that can be seen by anyone walking around even at the other end of the office seems very suspicious to me.
In fact, if you’re given anything above 21-inches I’d start considering looking for another job.
And if some delivery guy turns up with a big plasma screen that would not look out of place in a sports bar showing the World Cup and puts it on your desk, please walk out. You are no longer needed there.
Lined up cutlery. That’s it really.