Saturday, 3 May 2008

Saturday 03/05/08

On Friday morning I’m in character again so I turn up at the office, where for the next eight hours I reprise the role of office worker with moderate success. On this Friday the script writers must be on holiday, because the plot is really stalling and I can’t wait to get out of there even more so than usual. 

At 1715 I take 41 grams of N.O.-XPLODE which I bought on Thursday and is supposed to give me boost for the gym, but 45 minutes later I’m in the gym and N.O.-XPLODE has done nothing for me and I think I’ll be sticking with Red Bull in the future. 

In fact, if anyone in London would like to buy a full 820 gram tub of N.O.-XPLODE off me, let me know and you can have it.  I paid £39.60 for it at GNC and there’s one scoop missing, give me what you likes. 

So N.O.-XPLODE doesn’t really work for me, but the pale personal trainer with the chest rash is there and he does, and I try not to look at him too much or work out too near him, because he’s straight and I’m sure I’m scaring him, but this boy is beautiful, he’s as beautiful as Scott on a good day. 

Today I work out to a soundtrack of Wicked Game by Chris Isaak, With Every Heartbeat by Robyn and Only You by Yazoo and there is a common theme to all these songs but I will pretend I’m not seeing it right now. 

After the gym I go home where I quickly eat the last of Mummy’s food and get changed into: dark G-Star jeans, white Puma trainers, navy Pull & Bear t-shirt, stripy blue and white Fred Perry belt, silver ring with Scott’s initials around my neck… 

…and I go to the Box to meet Donnell, Brendan and others. 

On the way there – on the tube – I’ve got a strange frame of mind, I can’t control my thoughts and I feel almost disengaged from the world around me.  This is something that has been occurring more lately, I’m not quite sure how to describe it, but I often start to think in a way that is not quite sane or conventional.  

As I’m walking around this Friday evening I imagine myself doing things which I recognize are not sensible but at the same time feel perfectly justifiable.  And these things include jumping in front of the train as it enters the station, lying down in the subway and taking a nap – not because I feel self-destructive or I want to die or anything, but because I’m starting to find it difficult to assess what’s right and what’s wrong. 

I’m not worried yet, but I think I think I can see what it’s like once you cross the border to psychopathology. 

I arrive at the Box and it’s busy and hot and loud and I push my way through to the back and I stop and text Donnell with – so this is what hell is like, where are you, I’m at the back.  

Then I find Donnell and then I find Brendan and then we talk about stuff although I mostly listen and then I go home. 

My top 20 most played songs in the first four months of 2008, are: 

1.    Grand Canyon (dirty south mix) – Tracey Thorn (61 plays)

2.    Good vibrations – Marky Mark (50)

3.    I want your soul – Armand Van Helden (49)

4.    Another no one – Suede (46)

5.    A&E – Goldfrapp (45)

6.    Blind – Hercules & Love Affair (42)

7.    What else is there (trentmoller mix) – Royksopp (34)

8.    I know it’s over – The Smiths (33)

9.    Feedback – Janet Jackson (32)

10.   Only you – Yazoo (32)

11.  Don’t know any better – Puressence (29)

12.  Stay together – Suede (29)

13.  99 problems – Jay-Z (28)

14.  Who’s that girl – Robyn (26)

15.  Best revenge – Fischerspooner (25)

16.  Umbrella – Manic Street Preachers (24)

17.  Innocence – Bjork (23)

18.  With every heartbeat – Robyn (22)

19.  Wicked game – Chris Isaak (20)

20.  I’m on fire – Bruce Springsteen (19)

Finally, is it wrong to really, really like the Scarlet Johansson single Falling Down?

47 comments:

Hot Mess87 said...

I know what you mean by doing things that you think are fine but in reality.. are not. Whenever some sudden/sad/suprising thing happens to me it seems i slip into a daze and do very irrational things if this is the case then i recomend if your debating to do something write it down and after say 5-10 minuts look at again if it seems like a justifiable idea then by all means... however if you question the action then dont do it (if 5 minuts isint availible then just use 1 or 2 just as long if you write it down) and i swear to god your posts are getting better and better keep up the good work.

A said...

London Preppy, sounds like you're going through it. I hope it all works out for the best soon.

Pale Personal Trainer (PPT): yeah, you might be scaring him, but you could totally turn him. Use your unassuming charm or dead-eyed world-weary good looks to captivate him, and then...your imagination takes care of the rest.

Hercules & Love Affair: love that song, but their CD isn't released in the US yet. I have to settle for listening to it on YouTube.

Ja said...

i wasn't initially a fan when first leaked. tom waits though, with bowie on backup vocals and the most empty sullen well produced video that followed last tuesday... i'm way to enamored for anyones safety.

I haven't seen my american film crew since they packed up after thursday's night shoot.

London Preppy said...

hot mess: That's not bad advice. I'm not actually close to doing these things yet, but something happens in my head that tells me it wouldn't be wrong to do them, and maybe some time I will

a: Oh I would love to "turn" PPT. I don't really think you can generally turn straight people but this boy is special and I can dream

ja: I love the video too. And the fact that she can't sing

Trybaby said...

"....he’s as beautiful as Scott on a good day. "

OMG you are breaking my heart!

Ja said...

that's the best part!

Anonymous said...

No offence but Scott on a good day is still a bit of a mess. You are way hotter. There is no comparison!

London Preppy said...

anon: Do you know us in real life? Cause I've got to say I probably photograph better than he does so pictures can be misleading

michael01 said...

You're depressed, which is normal. Episodes of "depersonalization" (experiencing a sense of separateness from your own feelings and thoughts, being oddly cut off from what's around you)--are typical. The "cure" for this is to actually feel the grief and anger. Not sure you're into that, though. Increase your cardio and get a lot of sleep. Prozac's okay--if you don't mind not having an orgasm for a while.

Daddykinz said...

If you're having trouble with insomnia, is the Red Bull really such a good idea? Is boosting your workout more important than getting a good night's sleep? But I suppose these are stupid questions.

London Preppy said...

michael: That's cool, I'm over those at the moment

daddy: I only have Red Bull twice a week before a workout - on Fridays and Saturdays, so I don't mind if I can't sleep those nights cause it's not a school night

The Passing Universe said...

Just a reminder--Anna Karenina had second thoughts in the nanosecond before the train hit her,then it was too late.

Al said...

strange times..I am not surprised your head is in the washing machine. Just make sure you don't choose the programme which makes your whites go yellow..

Alex said...

I see you're singles guy :-)

Trybaby said...

Wow I just watched SJ in Falling down. She's pretty horrendous. It's especially good when she holds those long notes completely flat :DD

Dick Pics said...

now that you're single will you be clubbing more often or the same as always?

Foxx said...

LP - you should do a deal with Itunes...I've been checking the tunes I don't know and downloading those I like!!!

love ya

Foxx

Anonymous said...

Sorry not feeling this . Where were you when Scott was very ill ? I think you mentioned something like "he sneezed and I left ". Come on LP you are a bit selfish and bottom line you are going to Australia , what do you think Scott was going to do , wait ?

All the best , but hopefully you will treat your next bf with more respect .

jay said...

Ah, it's a thin line you walk right now LP. When confronted with things like these I think, what would the future me (assuming you don't die from getting hit by a train) do if he could advise me right now? Would he still think these things are justifiable?

London Preppy said...

passing: No really, I'm not intending to jump in front of the train

alex: As in I like singles and not album tracks?

dick: The same I think. I'm not looking to get destroyed right now - I thought I might have been, but I'm not really feeling like that. Saying that, I'm going out soon

foxx: That's really cool. Which ones have you bought?

anon: I suppose I can't complain about being misunderstood (because I do write these things) but let's try to remember that this is a blog where I write under the pretense that I don't care about anything. Sometimes I do. But actually I take this back, I'd rather people think that I really don't

Dick Pics said...

and you'll tell us all about it of course.

dimitri said...

hello... just started reading your blog, and im enjoying it. i have to say that your feelings are pretty normal considering youre going through a breakup. (well, after reading the wiki entry, i cant really tell whats real and what isnt, but its enjoyable nonetheless)

oh, and no radiohead in your 2008 top 20? for some reason i would have assumed you would have been really into them.

eis ygeia

London Preppy said...

dimitri: I have been into them, but not really anymore. Only have Nude from the new album, which is OK. I've played that 6 times FIY

I love the picture with the moving background/surroundings on your site. How many pictures is it in total?

Anonymous said...

Okay if you do care (and you are not living vicariously through your blog)do something ! Must be difficult for Scott , seems like he has to cope with a lot, things can always be fixed if there is sincere love .

Mean said...

I will give you:
£15 for the remaining 779 grams of NoXplode for which you paid £39.60.

London Preppy said...

mean: Did I really? I've changed it.

As for your offer: ha! I'd rather throw it in the bin. You'll give me less than 30% of what I paid for one scoop missing?

I should have never given you that TV for free.

Tight git - AND I won't mention your temping rate!

Anonymous said...

Hi LP,
I just disovered your blog this weekend while looking for something to help me sort out who I am and wanted to say how interesting and entertaining your writing is. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here, but I will be reading your blog every night before I go to sleep from now on. I feel like I know you so well after spending the weekend with you that I was going to write you a huge email just because I needed someone to vent to, but then I kind of figured that would be selfish of me considering you are going through a tough time at the moment. Also kind of weird.

Anyway big virtual anonymous hug to you mate,

From a 24 year old guy from NZ who has never had a girlfriend and weighs 70kgs and finds it really hard to put on weight.

Alex said...

Yes.

London Preppy said...

alex: Ah OK. Well for people I'm not really interested in I will only listen to the singles (e.g. on that list Janet Jackson, Jay-Z, Armand Van Helden) and I wouldn't bother with anything else. But for people I really like I will collect everything (albums, b-sides, rarities, etc). Examples in the list are Innocence by Bjork and I Know It's Over by The Smiths which are album tracks, and Another No One by Suede which is a b-side

Alex said...

Out of curiosity, which category would "A&E" fit? ;-)

I love Björk, but disappointed by most of "Volta" :-(
"Medulla" was so much better.

Foxx said...

Lp - from your blog 25/4 I bought Disco Lies and Dignity and from yesterdays list I bought Grand Canyon.........

Foxx

Mean said...

Anyone would think I recommended it so I could buy it, barely used, at a massively knocked down price.

Those people are cynics.

London Preppy said...

alex: Hmm...somewhere inbetween. I own two Goldfrapp albums, but not the latest one

Anonymous said...

Mean sounds really mean ??? Is his pseudo name deliberate LP ?

London Preppy said...

anon: Yes. He's fucking mean

Anonymous said...

Thank you LP all is now clear! Love your blog

Mean said...

Mean by name, mean by nature.

Alex said...

"Black Cherry" being one of the two?

Bolt Upright said...

Lyrically, there's little question why Grand Canyon continues to be your most played song (even with the recent Marky Mark obsession), but why the Dirty South Mix and not the superior Ada Remix?

Anonymous said...

London Preppy I am quite envious of your body and can't decide whether I should hate you or not. Could you help me by telling me how much you weigh? I think you said you were 5'9" before, is that right?

London Preppy said...

alex: Yes it is. But I don't like that one much

bolt: I do have that one as well. I don't know, I like the woop woop noise in thedirty south mix. And how it goes quiet in the "heart" lyric

anon: I'm 5'8". I weigh about 68kg. I.e. not very much at all

kim said...

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23647734-29277,00.html

someone else who lost his definition of 'right' and 'wrong'

dimitri said...

thanks lp!
thats about 180 or so pics... i take one a day. im trying to take a photo everyday for a full year. i may go beyond that, but the goal for now is 1 year.

& if youre interested in listening to the whole 'in rainbows' album, let me know. it really is an amazing album. & i love passing on good music (esp radiohead!)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
London Preppy said...

dimitri: I've heard clips and I'm not quite ready to get into Radiohead again, I think :-(

him said...

I happen to love B.E.E. too and all I can really think of when I read your latest few entries is "lets slide down the surface of things,"circa Glamorama... Your writing, though interesting, makes you seem like you are slipping away into some kind of emotional purgatory or something. I know I can't really attempt to give you genuinely compassionate advice since I don't know you, but I do hope you are able to find some happiness in your situation sometime soon man...I guess I'll see from the ongoing blogs.

- good luck

Brennan said...

Delete 'With Every Heartbeat' from you Ipod immediately.

I swear to God I listened to the last section 'and. it. hurts. with. every. heartbeat.' a thousand times when I got my heart broken under the guise of catharsis... but it did nothing to alleviate the pain and I'm sure made me more depressed.

Go against your judgment and choose happy songs. It'll help. Not much... but some...