On Friday morning I’m in character again so I turn up at the office, where for the next eight hours I reprise the role of office worker with moderate success. On this Friday the script writers must be on holiday, because the plot is really stalling and I can’t wait to get out of there even more so than usual.
At 1715 I take 41 grams of N.O.-XPLODE which I bought on Thursday and is supposed to give me boost for the gym, but 45 minutes later I’m in the gym and N.O.-XPLODE has done nothing for me and I think I’ll be sticking with Red Bull in the future.
In fact, if anyone in London would like to buy a full 820 gram tub of N.O.-XPLODE off me, let me know and you can have it. I paid £39.60 for it at GNC and there’s one scoop missing, give me what you likes.
So N.O.-XPLODE doesn’t really work for me, but the pale personal trainer with the chest rash is there and he does, and I try not to look at him too much or work out too near him, because he’s straight and I’m sure I’m scaring him, but this boy is beautiful, he’s as beautiful as Scott on a good day.
Today I work out to a soundtrack of Wicked Game by Chris Isaak, With Every Heartbeat by Robyn and Only You by Yazoo and there is a common theme to all these songs but I will pretend I’m not seeing it right now.
After the gym I go home where I quickly eat the last of Mummy’s food and get changed into: dark G-Star jeans, white Puma trainers, navy Pull & Bear t-shirt, stripy blue and white Fred Perry belt, silver ring with Scott’s initials around my neck…
…and I go to the Box to meet Donnell, Brendan and others.
On the way there – on the tube – I’ve got a strange frame of mind, I can’t control my thoughts and I feel almost disengaged from the world around me. This is something that has been occurring more lately, I’m not quite sure how to describe it, but I often start to think in a way that is not quite sane or conventional.
As I’m walking around this Friday evening I imagine myself doing things which I recognize are not sensible but at the same time feel perfectly justifiable. And these things include jumping in front of the train as it enters the station, lying down in the subway and taking a nap – not because I feel self-destructive or I want to die or anything, but because I’m starting to find it difficult to assess what’s right and what’s wrong.
I’m not worried yet, but I think I think I can see what it’s like once you cross the border to psychopathology.
I arrive at the Box and it’s busy and hot and loud and I push my way through to the back and I stop and text Donnell with – so this is what hell is like, where are you, I’m at the back.
Then I find Donnell and then I find Brendan and then we talk about stuff although I mostly listen and then I go home.
My top 20 most played songs in the first four months of 2008, are:
1. Grand Canyon (dirty south mix) – Tracey Thorn (61 plays)
2. Good vibrations – Marky Mark (50)
3. I want your soul – Armand Van Helden (49)
4. Another no one – Suede (46)
5. A&E – Goldfrapp (45)
6. Blind – Hercules & Love Affair (42)
7. What else is there (trentmoller mix) – Royksopp (34)
8. I know it’s over – The Smiths (33)
9. Feedback – Janet Jackson (32)
10. Only you – Yazoo (32)
11. Don’t know any better – Puressence (29)
12. Stay together – Suede (29)
13. 99 problems – Jay-Z (28)
14. Who’s that girl – Robyn (26)
15. Best revenge – Fischerspooner (25)
16. Umbrella – Manic Street Preachers (24)
17. Innocence – Bjork (23)
18. With every heartbeat – Robyn (22)
19. Wicked game – Chris Isaak (20)
20. I’m on fire – Bruce Springsteen (19)
Finally, is it wrong to really, really like the Scarlet Johansson single Falling Down?