Friday, 9 May 2008

Friday 09/05/08

On Wednesday after work, I says to Scott, you have to come to my new regular gym to check out the Pale Personal Trainer (PPT).  So we meet up and it’s still bloody hot and I’m wearing suit trousers and a shirt and sunglasses and Scott is dressed like a gay acrobat and then we go to the gym.

In the gym we’re aiming for one very hot English pale guy, but we’re not prepared for what actually happens.  We get two.

PPT is there as we walk in and he’s training some old geezer and he catches my eye once, then he catches my eye twice within the first ten seconds and I ask Scott, why is he looking at me, he must want me.  And Scott says, no he can probably feel four eyes staring at him and he’s wondering why.  Which seems a little bit more likely.

In any case Scott also likes PPT and this is big news from somebody who doesn’t like blue-eyed English guys and usually goes for monkey-types with limited verbal skills.

But then, it all kicks off.  Some other guy turns up and what we know about this guy is:

He has dark hair

He is straight

He is English

He is WHITE.  In a quick scan of the gym, he’s the whitest person alongside me and PPT

He is a God

He is wearing a t-shirt that’s loose, but you can still see he is specifically designed with gay fantasy clichés in mind

And as we work out he looks over at us occasionally and this time Scott asks me.  Why do you think he keeps looking.  And I’m confident about this, I can work this out, I’ve spent 28 years being friends with straight boys and I can tell what they think.

This boy keeps looking over because he sees that we’re muscly (sort of) and he sees that we like going to the gym and because he’s the same, he looks at us in a friendly / competitive way.  This is what muscly straight boys do.  They identify other guys they think are similar to them and they feel an affinity and at the same time competitiveness about who’s more of an Alpha male / leader of the pack.

Of course if he knew me for real he’d know I’m much lower down the alphabet, perhaps you need to go into AA, AB as well like an Excel spreadsheet does when it runs out of letters, but right now he likes me because I look like I know how to lift the right weights.

Trapped between PPT and Superman I begin to lose my mind and can’t really concentrate, and in that daze, I decide to talk to one of them.

GONE

GONE

I’m sorry but I’m happy.

I’ll be happy until he realizes I’m a fag and he stops talking to me.  Why do I obsess about straight guys so much?

48 comments:

Alex said...

Because we obsess the most about things we cannot get.

Gary said...

Probably your funniest gym story to date and glad to see your exuberant happiness! Just have to know, what do you mean by Scott being dressed like a gay acrobat? Should we be thinking Cirque du Soleil? Anyway, sounds a bit "fag or femme" doesn't it?

Trybaby said...

Maybe because you think that straight men are more of a real "Man" than queer men can ever be. You are gay, so presumably you like men and there fore masculinity. At many points in society we are told what is and what isn't masculine and gay men are definitely not. Or maybe you get off and perving on him and being close to him with him not knowing. Maybe you want to convert him because if you then that means that you are so hot and sexy that you changed someones sexuality(them making an exception for you because you are so hot). Or maybe it's because you know you can't have him. Maybe it's just because he's hot and happens to be straight. Or maybe because he doesn't conform to gay conventions/stereotypes and you find this novel and exciting.

Anonymous said...

Darling why do you torment yourself ? Straight guys are so not cute and now you are sharking with Scott ? Take a break from it all !!

michael01 said...

Because you hate being gay just like you hate being Greek. But just think of all the ancient Athenian males having sex together--they weren't gay, they were just "the Greeks". As a teen in those days, you could have had exactly the type you like now. Of course you could only have had it till your facial hair arrived--maybe just a bit longer. Then you would have needed to seek your solace in ephebes (i.e. twinks) in order not to be considered ridiculous. But at least they'd be straight...and so would you. Too bad.

RugbyWannabe said...

LP - I obsess over straight guys also, often at the gym. Probably because I most likely can't have them.

I approached a guy who I was sure was gay and checking me out, gave him my card, told him let's do lunch. He says "cool."

It's been a week and nothing.

Now I'm beginning to think he may be straight.

WTF?

Trybaby said...

Oh and yes, I'm glad that you are happy also.

London Preppy said...

alex: Very good, thank you

gary: Well he was wearing three quarter length trousers and that's all you need to know

trybaby: You definitely have a point with the masculinity thing. Oh well we can't help who we're attracted to

anon: Well, what do I need to take a break from? Going to the gym, hanging out with my friends? That's all I was doing

michael: Will I ever stop hating being gay or is it inherent?

London Preppy said...

rugby: Stupid straight guys, there's so many of them!

Trybaby said...

Well you can.... sorta. You can still have the feelings but understand them and try your best not to act on them. But for the most part you can't really change it with out reprogramming.

Trybaby said...

Yes they really should just be rounded up and made into sex slaves for gay. It's the only positive thing that they will do in their life. And then after the will be positive :D. We all know that straight men are rapists anyways, it's in their genes.

Daver said...

You obsess of hot straight men because really it's a very rare occurrence. Yes there are many with pretty faces but generally once they pass 20 and their metabolism catches up with them they usually get fat and don't care or work that hard to maintain it. So to see one who does is a rarity or they're gay. Plus there's just more hot straight guys out there than gay guys as the sheer number of straight people is larger than gay people. When you see a hot gay boy you may obsess over them too, it's just more rare.
Oh, and you want what you can't have of course, but was trying to rationalize in another way.

Daver said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DJ said...

Great to read LP is momentarily happy. Well done on speaking to Superman! I say, just work this obsession! Superman sounds like he is a cool guy. He probably knows you’re gay but isn’t fazed.

Dick Pics said...

oh wow. that was better than expected. and if i were you i would take him out to a pub like a straight boy, and then get drunk with him like a straight boy, and then fuck him like a straight boy. of course in the morning you would have to keep the charade up and go along with him in pretending it never happened.

Dick Pics said...

oh wow. that was better than expected. and if i were you i would take him out to a pub like a straight boy, and then get drunk with him like a straight boy, and then fuck him like a straight boy. of course in the morning you would have to keep the charade up and go along with him in pretending it never happened.

Dick Pics said...

oh wow. that was better than expected. and if i were you i would take him out to a pub like a straight boy, and then get drunk with him like a straight boy, and then fuck him like a straight boy. of course in the morning you would have to keep the charade up and go along with him in pretending it never happened.

Mean said...

There's fuck all wrong with 3/4 length trousers. Unless you're saying I'm a gay acrobat as well? I hope you're not or I'll slice your neck , son.

Mean said...

There's fuck all wrong with 3/4 length trousers. Unless you're saying I'm a gay acrobat as well? I hope you're not or I'll slice your neck , son.

michael01 said...

It's not inherent. You have self-esteem issues which, I'm reasonably certain, antedate your self-identification as culturally "different"--gay, non-Anglo-Saxon (though looking pretty Anglo, which complicates it). This is part of what therapists call Narcissistic Disorders. Its usually connected with an early sense of only being loved by your parents for what you achieved or looked like, or your abilities. You thought you had to perform...

Anonymous said...

i hate it when that happens. worst thing is when he gets you to spot for him and hes grunting and grimacing and you get a semi and hope he doesnt see. and you just wish for one second he would get one too.

AlwaysReadySF said...

I don't know why everybody is trying to psychoanalyze you. Most humans are attracted to what is more challenging to attain so gay men want (hot) straight men, women want (hot) gay men, straight guys want (what they think are hot) lesbians (little do they know of reality....).

I think the writing was brilliant. Captures perfectly the thrill and high of that first contact.

I was laughing so hard about the excel spreadsheet run-out-of-letter column.

Now all you have to do is (a) get him to go out with you for a drink (b) get him moderately drunk (c) offer him drugs (he'll say yes..., you know that!) and (d) have your way with him. Guaranteed to work. Or so I hear ;)

...and don't apologize for being happy!

Timmy said...

Are you allowed to be happy? Just asking.

Last night I was at a launch party for a new rag. I would say it was 99% a gay party. And who do I find the cutest in the room and start chatting with? A str8 guy. He was very friendly...and tall...and that will get me where? Nowhere.

Alex said...

Trybaby's comment ("Maybe because you think that straight men are more of a real "Man" than queer men can ever be. ") is so on ball.

Not that queers can never be manly enough, but I'm always so torn by the fact that I'm more attracted to the lazy/fun-loving/non-pristine straight boys than those girly-and-clean-as-a-whistle fags that seem to be everywhere I look..

I mean, come on! I like boys- not girls! What SHOULD I think?

michael01 said...

What!? My comment re your comment re my earlier comment hasn't appeared. Hope I was not being too personal and/or presumptuous. Apologies if I was.

Rico said...

Here in the US, 3/4 length trousers are called "daisy dukes" or "capri pants" or "clam diggers" and that's all you need to know.

Trybaby said...

See what I told you? All straight men are pretty much psychopaths and will kill and rape your at the drop of their ugly all white caps that they seem to think look good. They should only exist to serve gay men.

PS:Why publish redundant comments?

Trybaby said...

Yes and when you offer him drugs actually give him Rohypnol! That or give him aquadots. But don't rough him up too much and try not to leave any marks or DNA.

Oldyeller said...

Such a great post in every way, and I can identify with everything you said-I laughed out loud (at work) at your ejaculate line. From my perspective, having an attractive straight guy notice you and maybe even complement your body in some small way is the highest high there is. Not sure why. Maybe its the challenge of trying to uncover whatever tiny gay DNA he may have. It goes to your obsession question & I think Alex, Trybaby and Michael01 all hit on the answer somewhat. Those of us who put a premium on appearing really straight naturally are put off by obvious gays and are attracted to masculine types. Can't get more masculine than muscly straight boys.

London Preppy said...

I'm a little busy at the moment that's why the comment moderation is leaving a lot to be desired. Will be back to my normal form soon

AlwaysReadySF said...

Mean: "There's fuck all wrong with 3/4 length trousers"

That's why you are straight, mean. If you weren't, you'd know that they are the gayest outfit maybe only second to overalls ;-)

Now if you wear those too maybe you are a gay farmer?

And if we hear in the news that LP has been mysteriously murdered, we all know where to send the police....

Dick Pics said...

may i ask, why are you busy? i'm suspicious. what are you up to? is it something mysterious and intriguing? a clandestine affair with a pale closeted gym trainer who is stepping out on his girlfriend so you have to have a quick fuck while she's busy before you send him back to her smelling of rough man on man sex? or are you just watching frasier?

London Preppy said...

dick: Ha ha. No comment

Neil said...

I love that Scott isnt on the people you love list.

Superchilled said...

Speaking of gym men. I was at the Uni Gym in Wollongong no less, friday when I thought I saw you, LP, standing before me. Alas I could see eye to eye which makes this asserion a good 8 inches wrong, but he had your looks your muscles, and his face didn't have a red square so it was hard to tell exactly - but it seemed a close match and I'm wondering if he's your missing brother who's gone to the antipodes to study and build muscle... pale skin, dark hair, and feigning disinterest in everyone but the one he saw in the mirror..

Mike said...

Your gym stories remind me of Hannibal giving Clarice tips on Buffalo Bill, the "transvestite" serial murder.

Hannibal: No, he covets. That's his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? Make an effort to answer.

Clarice: No. We just...

Hannibal: No. Precisely. We begin by coveting what we see every day.

Anonymous said...

I'm seriously in love with you. Just so you know.

michael01 said...

Well then,to continue with my analysis: you are still performing. It's what you did for your parents and do now to get the version of "love" that you're used to. And of course we do "love" you--for your coyly hidden- then- revealed symmetrical face with the killer smile, your beautiful body, your dry wit and your charm and brilliance and writing talent. But at bottom you want to be loved for yourself, just for being a normal person. That's why you feel that sadness you talk about. You don't know how to accept being loved without having to shine like a minor diety and you don't even believe it's possible. It's tiring work to earn admiration, and admiration just isn't the same as unconditional love. The love you were always entitled to. You spend your life jumping through all these hoops but the applause you garner leaves you with the original feeling of emptiness. Well, at least-- unlike Liz Taylor-- you don't just turn and stuff a roast piglet into your mouth.

Anonymous said...

Very poignant post ,beautifully written , we all want what we cannot have . Trybaby and Michael excellent observations.

Still pissing myself re gay acrobat quote and mean s flllow up death threats: gangsta rapping pseudo gay acrobat!

Ben said...

I love this story! ACE!

Not that I ever do things like it in the gym - I don't have the muscles, but I recently plucked up the courage to ask a buff guy why he used the grip he did. Sadly, we had a quick chat, but that was that.

I also like your end of working timing, perfectly coordinated with the end of Superman's shower - never done that either!

3/4 length trousers, like a gay acrobat?! WTF?

C'mon LP, now the sun is shining what are you wearing on your bottom half? Tell, tell!!

Anonymous said...

Rico, daisy dukes

http://images.google.es/images?gbv=2&hl=es&safe=off&q=daisy+dukes&btnG=Buscar+im%C3%A1genes

are not the same as capris.

http://images.google.es/images?gbv=2&hl=es&safe=off&q=capris&btnG=Buscar+im%C3%A1genes

badabing said...

Fancying straight men - is it just a matter of probability ? There are an awful lot of them, even in central London gyms, so the chances of finding a tasty one are high. However, even if they are easy to come by some personal motivation is required and then it's almost always a time-wasting or avoidance tactic.

London Preppy said...

everyone: I've left it too late to go back and answer each comment now, but just to say quickly thanks for writing and your views on straight guys, and also michael's analysis which I like

Dmom said...

I know what position your in all i can say is that you shouldent risk a friendship with him to get a date so if your positive he is straight than just be buds.

skountouflis said...

Ki egw to idio eimai...me elkuoun oi str8 :( den kserw ti na pw...Oso gia ta vlemmata sto gumnasthrio ta exw zhsei ki egw...einai polu, ma para polu duskolo na ksexwriseis an o allos se koitaei filika h erwtika...

Greg Turner said...

I call 3.4 pants "he-capris."

Awful.

UberParisian said...

hey london preppy, i'm starting my own blog. I ve started reading yours and for some reasons i affected me much more i would have expected.I have to say that is a good thing. And yeap i agree with first comment of alex, we always want to get what is forbiden and we can not get :)

Chris said...

Flirt! It's healthy and fun! What if this perfect specimen is a "straight-acting" gay? He could be trying to come out. He could also not care about sexuality and judge you on your quality. A shame that you might not get to have sex with him, but he might turn out to be a true friend.
Who needs a reason to continue to be attracted to whosoever one might desire and, more importantly, to continue to take the risk of making oneself available for the chance that something delightful might yet occur? It's actually rather brave.