Firstly, let me say again that I’ve started a side-blog called London Preppy Videos, which will only host videos and no writing. I know some people tried to visit yesterday and the videos weren’t working, but they do now. Right, that’s the last I’ll mention of that blog on here, it can do what it likes from now on.
On Monday I spend all of my workout and the tube journey back home listening to Good Vibrations and trying to learn the lyrics and right now as I’m typing this I’m thinking that this might take longer than expected, as I can’t even remember what the first line is. I’m going to guess that the first word is Yo though. That’s halfway there, surely.
At home, I decide to download all other Marky Mark songs that I can find, so in the next half hour I add to my iPod: Happy People, Life In The Streets, You Gotta Believe, Wildside, United. I do not listen to any of these songs on this Monday evening and neither do I intend to in the future, but I know I’m incomplete without them: I must have them.
I go on wikipedia and read Marky Mark’s biography once more and then I find and read lyrics to the songs I’ve downloaded (even though I still refuse to listen to them) and I don’t know if it’s my loneliness, my delusion, the twelve chocolate truffles I’ve eaten or the crushed Valium I’ve snorted after two Tylenol PM, but I’m starting to realise that Marky and I are not so different after all. In fact, we are very similar.
At 0020, unable to sleep after this realisation, I turn the lights back on, sit up in bed and make the following list. A list that’s supposed to put my thoughts in order and help me get some sleep.
A List of How Marky Mark and I Are Not So Different After All, In Fact We Are Very Very Similar
1) (wikipedia tells me): His full name is Mark Robert Michael Wahlberg.
I, too, have two middle names
2) (wikipedia tells me): He was born June 5th.
I was born on January 6th. That’s one day after the 5th.
3) (wikipedia tells me): As a young teenager, Wahlberg described himself as a troubled child who often participated in acts of violence and vandalism
I, too, was once a child.
4) (wikipedia tells me): When he was sixteen, using racist language, after robbing a pharmacy under the influence of PCP, Wahlberg knocked a middle aged Vietnamese man unconscious with a wooden stick, left another Vietnamese man permanently blinded in one eye, and attacked a security guard. Wahlberg has said that he has no recollection of the incident because he passed out just before the police caught him.
I, also, have no recollection of robbing a pharmacy, knocking down and blinding people of ethnic backgrounds and attacking uniformed figures of authority.
5) (wikipedia tells me): In the video to Good Vibrations, widely broadcast on music video channels, Mark was shown boxing, lifting weights and showing off his bare, well-muscled torso.
I am broadcasting on blogger a nonsensical, often ridiculous blog where I’m showing off my not-so-well-muscled-but-still-passable torso.
6) (wikipedia tells me): He briefly became embroiled in controversy when he appeared to endorse homophobic comments made by Shabba Ranks
I am a homosexual.
7) (wikipedia tells me): He first displayed his impressive physique in the Good Vibrations music video and most prominently in a series of underwear ads. In 1992 the Calvin Klein billboard in New York's Times Square featured Wahlberg exclusively.
I displayed my (much much less) impressive physique wearing underwear on the cover of five magazines, which are either free or sell an average of 32 copies per month, but were very prominent in my head.
8) (wikipedia tells me): Mark and model Rhea Durham have been together since 2001. They broke up for 3 months after their daughter was born in 2003 but soon got back together.
Scott and I have been together since 2005. We broke up for 3 weeks after he dumped me in 2006, but I cried, begged, stole and borrowed my way back in and we soon got back together.
9) (Marky Mark tells me in the lyrics to his song Life In The Streets):
“Yo, I grew up rough in the streets of Boston, Massachusetts,
Lived real ruthless, a wild kid, out to get a bid
Did some shit that he never shoulda did
Had to learn the hard way that some day you gotta pay”
Yo, I grew up rough in the streets of a leafy Athenian suburb, lived real in a ruthless private school with lots of spoilt cunts; didn’t do much shit, granted, but I definitely agree that some day you gotta pay, especially because your Daddy doesn’t want to hand over all the property to you now and you’ll have to sell part of it to find money for the inheritance tax.
10) (Marky Mark tells me in the lyrics to his song Life In The Streets):
“Quick to kill, I gets ill, I make ya blood spill”
I also got ill, with Guillain Barre Syndrome
11) (Marky Mark tells me in the lyrics to his song Good Vibrations):
“Pure Hip Hop, no sell out”
Quite frankly, story of my life in six words.
I rest my case.