On Monday when I go over to Scott’s and I have to travel on the tube for longer than I like, I give in to the free newspaper temptation. I don’t know why, as I have Nick McDonnel’s The Third Brother with me, which I’m halfway in and I actually like a lot, but I do.
And the hottest topic amongst the Greater London (but never actual London) morons who write in to the letter pages of these newspapers day in, day out, seems to be lashing out on two-dimensional celebrities they know nothing about.
First, Madonna. As we all (don’t) know, Madonna has a new album to flog so she’s doing a tour of the world’s media. Apparently last week, during said tour, Madonna mentioned something about the public transport system in London being problematic. I don’t know details, and I’m quite sure I don’t care.
Naturally, as a consequence of that, several idiots who don’t live in London but travel in daily from some provincial town to work in a little office where they answer phones and eat white bread sandwiches and chocolate bars for lunch and then complain about being fat, chose to write in and start an imaginary fight with Madonna.
So, in response to the quality newspaper’s not-at-all-leading-question “Should super-rich Madonna moan about London’s public transport”, the following people had to say…
Jane from New Southgate (?) tells us: “Just ignore the self-important cow Madonna. She doesn’t belong here and never will”.
I tell Jane: Nice. You sound like a racist cunt. Is the last phrase what your alcoholic father used to slur at Pakistani immigrants in the council estate where you grew up? I wouldn’t mind killing you, you know.
Sarah from SE9 (again, I don’t know) tells us: “When I see her on the Jubilee line every morning, getting friendly with someone’s armpit, then she can moan”
I tell Sarah: Sarah, Sarah…you’re not doing yourself any favours there, are you? Are you by any chance uneducated, poor and from a working class background? I’m not at all judgmental myself of course, but I think you are.
Lisa (no location – I’m going to guess Croydon) tells us: “I bet Madge has never been on the Tube. Tell you what, love, you have my commute and I’ll have the horror of traffic jams in a chauffer-driven limo”
I tell Lisa: Oh Lisa. Don’t all celebrities always go everywhere in big black chauffer-driven limos? Yes they do. That’s why you hired that long stretcher from LIMOZ-4-HIRE for your cousin Sharon’s hen night back in October and spent the night flashing strangers around Leicester Square from the open roof, didn’t you? Tell you what, love, I’d love to kill you as well.
Secondly, Mariah Carey. As we all (don’t) know, Mariah Carey has a new album to flog so she’s doing a tour of the world’s media. Apparently this week, during said tour, Mariah Carey found herself in London. This was enough to infuriate the following people…
Jamie from Neasden (seriously, made up? I just don’t know anymore) tells us: “God I hate Mariah Carey. Her music is rubbish and she is so full of herself it’s untrue. I still remember when she used to give interviews whilst lying down on a chaise-longue. She needs a reality check. Can’t wait to see her getting old and wrinky”
I tell Jamie: I just don’t know where to start with you Jamie. Using God’s name in vain, blind hatred for somebody you know nothing about, haunting vague memories of some singer at some point somewhere giving an interview lying down, the fact that the greatest revenge you can think of that can be inflicted on somebody is the natural ageing process…
I’m going to take a page from your book and direct my menace blindly against you. But to be honest I wish you’d get hit by a bus tomorrow on your way to Asda than grow old and get wrinkly.
Anthony (no location, let’s guess SE18) tells us: “Why all the fuss about Mariah Carey? The last time I looked he wasn’t even a big star”
I tell Anthony: I don’t know Anthony, I didn’t make any fuss. What made you dedicate your time to write in to a newspaper about her, then check if your rant got in the next day, get all flustered and text all your friends to let them know to pick up a copy so they can see your name in print? Maybe that’s the answer to your question.
So this is what we got from the newspapers, but fortunately it doesn’t stop there.
Some people don’t want to attack such major stars, they just want to vent some spleen at more humble, more approachable targets. Like me.
On Sunday last week Anonymous leaves me a comment. This comments says:
You giving away food that has already been eaten is the most disgusting thing I have read today. I say today, because I know I wille read something more disgusting soon. Not here, obviously, the net is a large place. I know you lik being famous, but you're pushing it. But since you're this huge celebrity, why not ask money for it? Lots of peaople may want to eat your waste and pay for it. Fetishes come in many varieties.
A bit later on, another Anonymous leaves me another comment. This comment says:
I can only imagine that as soon as your "children of the damned" start squealing "Pick me! Pick me!!" for your chocolate puke, you'll try to see just how loyal your "admirers" really are and offer up your shit for their enjoyment. You and your sycophantic idolers are disgusting!
Still later on, as I’m reading Vivid Blurry’s blog, I see that Vivid Blurry has made a reference to me, which of course leads to another Anonymous leaving this comment:
Speaking of keeping up with the Jones’…You need a shirt from Zara so you can do silly flexing photos and pop the buttons with impunity. Don’t know if there’s a Zara store in D.C. likeliest would be Tyson Corners. Or do what I do and buy the things in New York, 59th and Lexington. Just be sure and try the shit on. European boys are tiny little things and you’ll end up looking slutty in an XL, I do. Then eat some cupcakes and spit it into a napkin, offering it to your loyal readers as a prize. Nice, huh. What a prick.
Now I’m not sure about this, but I’ll guess that at least two of those comments are left by the same person. Mainly because they focus on the same thing – the muffin – (which they seem to have taken as a personal insult that can only be retaliated by murder or in the very least by leaving some anonymous comments around the internet) and also because I want to.
Now, I don’t like it when people throw the word crazy around so easily without substance cause it takes away from it. But doesn’t this person sound well…crazy? He keeps coming back to read my blog, he has decided he hates me, he keeps a mental backlog of things I’ve written about months ago and can readily make a list of them to justify his hatred, he comments on other blogs about me…it’s a little obsessive, isn’t it?
And because of what? Because he doesn’t get the jokes that I make?
He kinda seems like the type of guy who sends anonymous letters to Britney Spears and blames her for the degradation of the Western civilization. And then eventually gets a restraining order when he tries to break in and wank on her bed.
If somebody’s blog / personality annoyed me so much, you know what, I’d probably not visit their website again. It's easy enough, isn’t it? But I guess I can’t relate to this situation here because I don’t have an underlying, but quickly emerging mental disorder. And I kinda do have my own life too, you know?
So yes, I guess this person will be back to leave some more swearing and contempt.
But you know what, guy? Every time you visit a blog and every negative, anonymous comment about me that you leave, puts me even further out of your league.
(that's a quote from somewhere, see if you can identify it)