Thursday, 3 April 2008

Thursday 03/04/08

On Monday when I go over to Scott’s and I have to travel on the tube for longer than I like, I give in to the free newspaper temptation.  I don’t know why, as I have Nick McDonnel’s The Third Brother with me, which I’m halfway in and I actually like a lot, but I do. 

And the hottest topic amongst the Greater London (but never actual London) morons who write in to the letter pages of these newspapers day in, day out, seems to be lashing out on two-dimensional celebrities they know nothing about. 

First, Madonna.  As we all (don’t) know, Madonna has a new album to flog so she’s doing a tour of the world’s media.  Apparently last week, during said tour, Madonna mentioned something about the public transport system in London being problematic.  I don’t know details, and I’m quite sure I don’t care. 

Naturally, as a consequence of that, several idiots who don’t live in London but travel in daily from some provincial town to work in a little office where they answer phones and eat white bread sandwiches and chocolate bars for lunch and then complain about being fat, chose to write in and start an imaginary fight with Madonna. 

So, in response to the quality newspaper’s not-at-all-leading-question “Should super-rich Madonna moan about London’s public transport”, the following people had to say… 

Jane from New Southgate (?) tells us: “Just ignore the self-important cow Madonna.  She doesn’t belong here and never will”. 

I tell Jane: Nice.  You sound like a racist cunt.  Is the last phrase what your alcoholic father used to slur at Pakistani immigrants in the council estate where you grew up?  I wouldn’t mind killing you, you know. 

Sarah from SE9 (again, I don’t know) tells us: “When I see her on the Jubilee line every morning, getting friendly with someone’s armpit, then she can moan” 

I tell Sarah: Sarah, Sarah…you’re not doing yourself any favours there, are you?  Are you by any chance uneducated, poor and from a working class background?  I’m not at all judgmental myself of course, but I think you are. 

Lisa (no location – I’m going to guess Croydon) tells us: “I bet Madge has never been on the Tube.  Tell you what, love, you have my commute and I’ll have the horror of traffic jams in a chauffer-driven limo”

I tell Lisa: Oh Lisa.  Don’t all celebrities always go everywhere in big black chauffer-driven limos?  Yes they do.  That’s why you hired that long stretcher from LIMOZ-4-HIRE for your cousin Sharon’s hen night back in October and spent the night flashing strangers around Leicester Square from the open roof, didn’t you?  Tell you what, love, I’d love to kill you as well. 

Secondly, Mariah Carey. As we all (don’t) know, Mariah Carey has a new album to flog so she’s doing a tour of the world’s media.  Apparently this week, during said tour, Mariah Carey found herself in London.  This was enough to infuriate the following people… 

Jamie from Neasden (seriously, made up? I just don’t know anymore) tells us: “God I hate Mariah Carey.  Her music is rubbish and she is so full of herself it’s untrue.  I still remember when she used to give interviews whilst lying down on a chaise-longue.  She needs a reality check.  Can’t wait to see her getting old and wrinky” 

I tell Jamie: I just don’t know where to start with you Jamie.  Using God’s name in vain, blind hatred for somebody you know nothing about, haunting vague memories of some singer at some point somewhere giving an interview lying down, the fact that the greatest revenge you can think of that can be inflicted on somebody is the natural ageing process… 

I’m going to take a page from your book and direct my menace blindly against you.  But to be honest I wish you’d get hit by a bus tomorrow on your way to Asda than grow old and get wrinkly. 

Anthony (no location, let’s guess SE18) tells us: “Why all the fuss about Mariah Carey?  The last time I looked he wasn’t even a big star” 

I tell Anthony: I don’t know Anthony, I didn’t make any fuss.  What made you dedicate your time to write in to a newspaper about her, then check if your rant got in the next day, get all flustered and text all your friends to let them know to pick up a copy so they can see your name in print?  Maybe that’s the answer to your question. 

So this is what we got from the newspapers, but fortunately it doesn’t stop there. 

Some people don’t want to attack such major stars, they just want to vent some spleen at more humble, more approachable targets.  Like me. 

On Sunday last week Anonymous leaves me a comment.  This comments says: 

You giving away food that has already been eaten is the most disgusting thing I have read today. I say today, because I know I wille read something more disgusting soon. Not here, obviously, the net is a large place. I know you lik being famous, but you're pushing it. But since you're this huge celebrity, why not ask money for it? Lots of peaople may want to eat your waste and pay for it. Fetishes come in many varieties. 

A bit later on, another Anonymous leaves me another comment.  This comment says: 

I can only imagine that as soon as your "children of the damned" start squealing "Pick me! Pick me!!" for your chocolate puke, you'll try to see just how loyal your "admirers" really are and offer up your shit for their enjoyment. You and your sycophantic idolers are disgusting! 

Still later on, as I’m reading Vivid Blurry’s blog, I see that Vivid Blurry has made a reference to me, which of course leads to another Anonymous leaving this comment: 

Speaking of keeping up with the Jones’…You need a shirt from Zara so you can do silly flexing photos and pop the buttons with impunity. Don’t know if there’s a Zara store in D.C. likeliest would be Tyson Corners. Or do what I do and buy the things in New York, 59th and Lexington. Just be sure and try the shit on. European boys are tiny little things and you’ll end up looking slutty in an XL, I do.  Then eat some cupcakes and spit it into a napkin, offering it to your loyal readers as a prize. Nice, huh.  What a prick.

Now I’m not sure about this, but I’ll guess that at least two of those comments are left by the same person.  Mainly because they focus on the same thing – the muffin – (which they seem to have taken as a personal insult that can only be retaliated by murder or in the very least by leaving some anonymous comments around the internet) and also because I want to. 

Now, I don’t like it when people throw the word crazy around so easily without substance cause it takes away from it.  But doesn’t this person sound well…crazy?  He keeps coming back to read my blog, he has decided he hates me, he keeps a mental backlog of things I’ve written about months ago and can readily make a list of them to justify his hatred, he comments on other blogs about me…it’s a little obsessive, isn’t it? 

And because of what?  Because he doesn’t get the jokes that I make? 

He kinda seems like the type of guy who sends anonymous letters to Britney Spears and blames her for the degradation of the Western civilization.  And then eventually gets a restraining order when he tries to break in and wank on her bed. 

If somebody’s blog / personality annoyed me so much, you know what, I’d probably not visit their website again.  It's easy enough, isn’t it?  But I guess I can’t relate to this situation here because I don’t have an underlying, but quickly emerging mental disorder.  And I kinda do have my own life too, you know? 

So yes, I guess this person will be back to leave some more swearing and contempt. 

But you know what, guy?  Every time you visit a blog and every negative, anonymous comment about me that you leave, puts me even further out of your league.

(that's a quote from somewhere, see if you can identify it)

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think Lisa (no location) is from Woking actually, she sounds like the sort.

I also think all those magazine letters are fake, written by the 'journo's'... I am sure people think those nasty things but have better things to do than write actual letters/emails or even texts.

Pick me! Pick me!

kalo vradi

Vasilios
(not a blogger btw)

Daver said...

I think it's interesting that you have mentioned multiple times that not all that you write is non-fiction and that people can take everything so seriously. I assumed that the muffin sending to the highest bidder was a joke, but at the same time, if someone really did want it, well why the hell not send it to them. Stuff the sucker in an envelope.

This commenter reminds me of the crazy who freaked out when you didn't respond to their myspace messages when they came up to you at the bar. The internet really brings out the crazy in people, especially when you have the ability to comment and remain anonymous.

And about the Zara shirt. I actually have that same shirt, very form fitted, fit awesome when I first put it on and the first day I wore it. Well that sucker shrank and it still looks awesome, but has to be worn with a tie as it pulls so much at the buttons. So I'll still wear it till I blow a button, which was a quite funny part of the story.

Dick Pics said...

maybe anonymous is that girl from the gym you have been waging war with.

Daver said...

Oh shit, maybe I should have made that an anonymous comment. I will be watching my back from now on after making those comments. A crazy couch mongrel who can only fit into stretchy track pants may be planning my demise.

Trybaby said...

Yes this person is a moron but the part about the Zara shirt did make me giggle! LOL impunity.... 0_o.... sorry 8/.

favourite line: " the fact that the greatest revenge you can think of that can be inflicted on somebody is the natural ageing process… " Clearly a savant this person.

I used to not understand why people would keep coming back to something that they detest. But I sort of do now. In the same way I Youtube Bill O'Reily and Ann Coulter in a 'love to hate them' and 'can't wait to hear what stupid shit they say next' kind of way. We don't admit it but I think that most people don't like to be happy all the time, you see it sometimes, they seem to love seeking out drama/tribulation. If one is happy all the time when you are happy it isn't that special. And, for me at least, I think it feels good being able to feel and go through the whole range of emotions once in a while (ie having a good cry) and that includes being angry. Intermittentcy is the soy sauce of living, innit?

G said...

(I know I look like a stalker now as been here twice in one night but it's a slow TV night!)

You do sound a little crazy in that post yourself! I hope the travelling on the tube wasn't upsetting again - you sounded really stressed last time you visited Scott. However wanting to kill someone for not loving Madonna is not good and the judgements made on people made me wonder: just how mean are you really? And how committed to hating people who aren't 'perfect'?

Although, did those people think that Madonna and Mariah would even care that they wrote into to some trashy free paper to complain about them. As if Mariah is going to read it.

I think people like "anonymous" (and possibly me) like reading your blog because it's like looking down from a cliff - scary but intriguing. Your shallowness is shocking and there is this kind of fascination with the 'depth' of shallowness and vanity but it's like a car crash - you can't help but look. But as you said if people don't like it - don't read it!

Perhaps I should take my own advice...wishing you all the best for future posts and well, the future. I am sure I will see you on some magazine at some point - chest out knowing you may actually be hating/loving yourself or fishing for more compliments while pretending to hate yourself - whichever the truth may be.

Bolt Upright said...

The last line is based on Banksy, yeah?

Red Exile / Красная Ссылка said...

..."But I guess I can’t relate to this situation here because I don’t have an underlying, but quickly emerging mental disorder".

No, LP, yours is slow-burning, which is better for the 'ratings'.

PS: we all have to be gentle on Vividblurry - it was the 1st "I'm a fag, can write and have mental issues' blog (with a sense of humour - there were/are lots without), but like Demi Moore, the pretty, feisty, glory days are sadly long past. And to think that the sad cow now calls herself 'a writer'. Apparently irony will out-last even the last vestiges of talent...

Oh; but my point?

..."She doesn’t belong here and never will" (your post)

Shrinks alongside faux-leather sofas all over London are crowing over this tonight...

The really intellectually, interesting thing about 'Amercian Psycho' was that, for all his repugnant evil, he was has not a racist - he hated racism - as do you...

...Both outsiders. You Greek, fag (but wannabe not - Greek that is); and him...

It is the sensitivity to racism, despite judgmentalism, BEE suggests, that is really (mentally) screwy... And he was, of course, being ironic, to screw his (genuinely) preppy friends.

...perhaps.

Mike said...

You mentioned Britney in there.... Well I think for the blog you need to be more like Brit; Shameless. Then what ever anyone says it would not matter!

Should Know Better said...

I had some very similar crazy anon comments on my brief but fun blog as I'm sure you can remember. I'd bet my last penny it was the same stalker fella commenting here too.

London Preppy said...

Vasilios: I really do hope the letters aren't fake, I'd be very disappointed!

daver: You're right of course. To clear this up once and for all (not that I need to explain myself for what I wrote in a comedy blog), of course I wouldn't send the muffin. For God's sake does anyone really think I took a chewed up muffin home on the tube and saved it waiting for an offer?

dick: That bitch! I knew she'd get back at me

trybaby: Good point about people coming back to something they detest. I love your last line too.

What's confusing though is when people take action to express how much they hate something...when they could just visit the blog, hate me quietly and then come back later for some more

g: I'm sorry but you seem to be missing the point here a bit. I do not want to kill anyone for hating Madonna. The main reason I write this blog is to make people laugh. My writing style includes exaggeration and aggression. But I like to think it's humorous. Also, I'm not defending Madonna there at all! I am condemning the ridiculous way people choose to express themselves though, filled with cliches, narrow-mindedness, etc.

And if you think I'm so shallow, fair enough, I'm not here to defend myself, let alone defend a made up online persona (London Preppy) who's becoming less and less like me. I find it amazing how anyone would think I'm shallow anyway, if they bothered to read what I write and what I've been through carefully, but there you go.

Quite a few people have started to realise and make comments about the fact that London Preppy is a character and not actually me. Most of the time I write things that suit him and not me. Fair enough, maybe not everyone gets that, but as time goes by London Preppy is more a literary character than a person.

So there, I've ruined it all now

London Preppy said...

bolt: Very good, yes

VpO said...

Some people seriously have nothing better to do than be a cunt like anonymous . . . good point though, if they don't like what they're reading, why continue.

London Preppy said...

red: I like your comments a lot and I appreciate you writitng. I do feel out of my depth replying sometimes mind you [insert smiley[, but I like them

mike: I think this shame has very little shame already, right?

should know: I guess we'd be nothing without them. Nothing!

London Preppy said...

vpo: Cheers buddy

Bobby Van Quish said...

So I think it's all made-up because people from Neasden aren't called Jamie.
More like Mohammad. Or Hands-Up-You-Infidel-Bastard.
I've been there so you don't have to.
And I've been looking on eBay and I can't find the gobbed-out chocolate cake. Please advise on this.
Thanks.

London Preppy said...

bobby: The cake is on its way to yours, you bid £350 for it. God you don't remember anything, do you? Has the pool water gone through your brain?

Moscow said...

You definitly sound like you have sufferred, your London preppy persona sounds like it has been good therapy , I hope you find what you are looking for in Sydney because it seems as if you are coming to the end of your journey in London .

Hope Scott is better .

Anonymous said...

Oh, I used to read NOW magazine every week for 3 or 4 years (they had some good pieces!) (ok some good Spice Girl pieces and what to read on the beach?) and they had a reader's question thingie, like, Ask____anything, and EVERY WEEK there'd be a letter from somone called Gina Kyriakou, with a differect town next to the name, everytime. I first noticed because of the Greek name but after a while it was so hilarous even my friends asked about it.

Sadly I no longer buy NOW - we started getting Heat in Greece soon after - but now that's shit as well. Oh well nothing tops Smash Hits...

Pick me!

Vasilios
NOT 'THE' ANONYMOUS
I JUST DON'T HAVE A BLOG ACCOUNT!

Graham said...

LP,
I think it's important to remember that one should never allow the truth to get in the way of a great story. The people need to be entertained. If they want reality, let them read their local rag, not log onto the interweb.

Bobby Van Quish said...

I said that the lowest I was willing to go was to be degraded by 5 rent boys in Brixton.

Sorry - I mean, I thought the lowest I was willing to go was £400.

When did it get to £350? Ah well - extra £50 to bid on something else then.

Please could you send it to the same address where you sent those spunked-out shorts you found in the gym. And that stained black jock-strap that someone mailed you.

Thanks.

(yes - so listen - i think i may have made some comment about rent boys in brixton.. please could you ignore that. thanks.)

kim said...

the fact LP wrote this post means either:

a) he has a photographic memory (to be able to recite word-for-word the contents of this trashy news-rag) or more disturbingly;

b) he not only read the trash but coyly slid it into his £900 bag, continued to read it (in the men's toilets) and then re-read it at home.

Please return your Preppy Identification Card and blazer to the local Preppy School; your preppy status has just been revoked!

Dan said...

To me, anonymous comments are the best part of any blog. Since they figure they'll never be traced, many people unwittingly bare their (oft mangled) psyche for the whole world to see. Perez gives me a view into world of trailer trash/high school dropouts who choose to focus on lives far more interesting then their own. Huffington Post gives me a view into the world of self-important overeducated slackers. And your site... well. I don't want to offend anybody here (that's your job).

It's also nice to put that minor I got in abnormal psychology to use.

Timmy said...

It has been awhile since you've done a commentary on the free paper. Very enjoyable and very true to the LP style.

Craig said...

I'm proud to be one of your "children of the damned" dammit. My theory is that the anonymous guy(s) you referred to are just nasty jealous and need to put you down to feel better about their own twisted little lives. Your blog has developed a large following because you're attractive physically and also very witty. Some people can't deal with that; popularity attracts detractors. Ignore them.

Matt said...

LP, you're such a sweet boy.

Great post, you made me laugh. Boy who writes LP, I hope someday the real LP doesn't come and start haunting you, because in addition to being sweet LP is also one mean cunt.

McKenzie said...

I am too tired from the gym to leave you a witty comment today. But in the words of ever black girl from the late 90's "You go girl!"

Auctor Ignotus said...

I was saving up my useless American money to bid on the muffin and I'm outbid again by £.

Wyler said...

To anonymous:
Well, it is true that I can’t get through the day without knowing if London Preppy did legs or abs and yes, I did find myself mesmerized by LP’s ruminations on how certain days of week felt like other days of the week and “Wednesday feels like a Tuesday too, perhaps even a Monday” and somehow all this made perfect sense to me. But I just have to say, I AIN’T NO SYCOPHANTIC IDOLER! I have a life, you know, sort of.

LP, What is an “idoler” anyway?

Anonymous said...

I think that you, personally, really are quite shallow, in the ultimate scheme of things, all questions of the relationship between you and your literary persona aside. But depth is no object; you're witty and beautiful.

Anonymous said...

You are a great writer, people should pay more attention to your favorite author and they might understand your point of view abit more.

Jeremy said...

I enjoy reading your blog, mainly because I read it in my mind with a British accent.

Oh, and I always thought that people who wrote to newspapers are crazy. I find it boring to read a newspaper let alone write to one!

Jeremy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
seescapist said...

The only reason they point out you being 'shallow'* is that they're not able to be that way (just like every other thing they envy you).

*'shallow' being no vice whatsoever ;)

London Preppy said...

graham: Very good, I'll remember that rule. I like it

wyler: I don't know exactly what an idoler is. I'll take it as a typo. I'm sure by that time Anonymous had worked himself into a blind rage, the amphetamines and whisky were kicking in, it was kinda hard to type properly

Philip Pirrip said...

actually the dc zara is in georgetown, not tysons corner. 'anonymous' is a douchebag.

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

what i actually don't get is that anon guy cared enough to actually comment about the muffin on more than one occasion at more than one blog. Wow!! I think he actually wants the spat out muffin.

LP: Please think of anon guy next time you have a muffin and once you're done you can let him know so that he can run down to the store, go around the back where the trash is kept and search for the said spat out muffin. He will then take it home, put it on his makeshift fire mantle and look at it day in and day out. He will then proceed to call a meeting of the anonymous blog comments club and will be the toast of their next five meetings. After which they would get back to watching back to back episodes of "Who wants to be a superhero" and "COPS".

JimmyD said...

'Children of the Damned'? I always thought myself more of a 'Damien.'
Maybe it's because my nanny hung herself at my 5th birthday party? The investigation did show proof of her drug addictions and abusive boyfriend along with her diary full of suicide laced poetry...
Church doors do slam when I approach. That could be due to the hidden camera videos I have from Father Eldon's special and private Alter Boy Swim Party and Ice Cream Social.
Other than that... I'm not the white, bowl cut hair with glowing eyes kinda guy.
I do read you every day.
Sometimes I think you're brilliant, some days a complete twat.
But you never post as 'anonymous' and for that I almost have total respect for you.

Anonymous said...

Yeah it's amazing how many people seem to exist simply to hate anonymously on others... I totally understand why bloggers restrict commenting.

I took a couple of half-serious vidz of me posing and trying to be all hot and shit and threw them up on YouTube (good choice of words, eh?) and I got a bunch of comments, prolly 80% of them very nice and positive, and the other fifth of the comments being just the most hateful screaming crap imaginable!!

I don't get it either. Love ur blog of course bro ;-)

-- Pete

Anonymous said...

Cafe Nero White and Dark Chocolate Muffin - Detailed Nutrition Facts:

Energy 393 kcal
Protein 5.7 g
Total lipid (fat) 21.2 g
Carbohydrate, by difference 45 g
Fiber, total dietary 1.7 g
Sugars, total 27.8 g
Sodium, Na 300 mg
Fatty acids, total saturated 5.4 g

Don't these people have every right to hate you for even putting something like this in your mouth? Don't you hate yourself?

Anonymous said...

Hey LP,

Thought you might find the following article entertaining...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=554870&in_page_id=1879

Anonymous said...

Wyler said... LP, What is an “idoler” anyway?

London Preppy said... I don't know exactly what an idoler is. I'll take it as a typo. I'm sure by that time Anonymous had worked himself into a blind rage, the amphetamines and whisky were kicking in, it was kinda hard to type properly

Actually, LP is right - it was a typo for "idolizer" and I guess I left out the "iz" NOT because of crystal and whisky, but vodka and cocaine! Close, but no cigar.

Anonymous said...

gosh ur comments are funny.... for a greek guy living in london!