Saturday, 5 April 2008

Friday 04/0/08

So this Friday it’s supposed to be the annual appraisal and salary review day at work.  For this rare event, I have decided to dress like I’m going to a funeral.  It just seems fitting.

My funeral outfit is basic and consists of: black suit from Prada, white shirt with double cuffs from Zara, black tie from Hugo Boss, black leather shoes from Hugo Boss, silver square cufflinks from Paul Smith, black leather belt from Hugo Boss.

This outfit is designed to have maximum impact in an office where nobody ever wears a suit jacket, let alone a tie.

Having come up with this plan on Thursday, I contact A-Girl and ask her if she’d be up for wearing what has come to be known as her Funeral Dress on Friday as well.  A-Girl’s Funeral Dress is an all black, knee-length 1950’s style dress, with short sleeves, a very narrow waist and wide hemline.

A-Girl is up for the idea, but she already has outfit plans for Friday – I understand the concept of outfit planning, so I accept this.

On Friday in the office, my expectations are very low already of course, but nothing can prepare me for the unfolding, disastrous sequence of events.  A sequence of events that leaves me broken, shattered alive.

To cut a long story short, some people get their appraisal on Friday, some don’t.  Naturally, I am one of the people who don’t.  I am left hanging on all day and at 1530, I’m told that my appraisal will take place next Wednesday.  In five, long, days. 

Until I find this out this though, I have no better option than to succumb to the paranoia, speculation, gossip and office politics that surround me.  The best way I can tell this story is through the sequence of emails I send and receive through this day. 

Here they are, randomly picked from my inbox and/or my sent items folder, perfectly describing the whirlwind a emotions and desperate actions that a small group of employees fall victim to, trapped in a central London office, waiting to see if they will get a few spare quid a month or not. 

Conversation No.1 

Person A: I will now take some paracetamol, for no particular reason. 

Person B: I’m taking some Midol, it helps with cramps, bloating, headaches.  None of which I have at the moment but nonetheless. 

Person A: I’m such a wreck.  I spilled the paracetamol powder all over my hands, now they’re sticky.  I tried to lick them clean but then washed them with my water bottle and used up napkin. 

Conversation No.2

Person A: Are you hopeful?

Person B: Not especially, how about you?

Person A: I’ve been disappointed often enough in the past, XXX, to never have hope.

Person B: I see.  Story of my life.

Conversation No.3

Person A: I’ve taken the dive into sugar treats.  The peaches are my favourite.  I don’t have an appraisal, I don’t have a corner, I don’t have a sharp object / other painful mechanism, I don’t have alcohol or ___ to ease my pain so it must be Haribo peaches then

Person B: I’ve been eyeing up this leftover baklava piece.  I am that desperate.

Person A: Even though it’s been there since Monday, I don’t blame you, not one bit.

Person B: I poked it.  It’s hard.

Person A: I’m leaving my last peach on my desk as a reminder of what we’ve been through today.  Should any of us actually get a review, I’ll eat it, otherwise it will remain there indefinitely, which obviously is most likely the case.

Person B: I’ll get a spatula to scrape that peach off your desk in November 2008.

Additional quotes, not within their context:

Do you feel as homicidal as I do?”

“I’ll sit under the desk in a fetal position, that will do” 

“This is torture, but I’m liking it still, kind of.  I need something to get me through the morning” 

“I might just cry, mostly from laughter but not completely.  I also might hit up XXX or XXX for some of their hard alcohol stash in their respective desks”

…to be continued on Wednesday.


Matt said...

In conversation 3, you are person B.

Anonymous said...

what's your suit size?

Marcus said...

I am disappointed that you did not tell us what kind of underwear you pu t on today.

Dick Pics said...

first off, can you post some pics of you in your funeral outfit? i have a hunch you look like a gay james bond and i want to know if i'm right. also, are you person a? it sounds like you but i have my doubts.

Trybaby said...

Do you hardly know us? Where is the picture! Also an all black no tie look could be good. As shown here by the incomparable Andrew Stetson.

Do you know if it will be a man or a woman. If it's a woman wear something tight and you should be flirty. If it's a flirty? Maybe you should think about incorporating knee pads into the outfit?

When I think of your office I think of a very surreal representation of it. Cubicals for miles, only looking at them you feel a vacuous tug on you soul. Everyone wears the same thing, same hair, same face. The room you will be appraised in is stark white, high ceilings and no windows. White silence accept for the reverberating sound of your shoes on the floor. The walls seem to glow with anticipation of what is to come. Hard chrome chairs, smooth surfaces, and a drain in the centre of the room make it all the easier to clean/hose down after they are done with you. The "person" interrogating you is faceless. Sound kind cool :]

Do they have a figure in mind already? Do you they ask you what you think you should get and to justify it? Do people ever get a pay cut? All of the above sound heinous and most likely break a handful of Geneva conventions pertaining to torture.

Alpha Omega said...

Not only does it suck getting the sucks from my stand point having to write them and then deliver the merit ratings.

No one likes the process--got to be an easier way.

Any ideas?

London Preppy said...

matt: I'm not telling. How did you make the guess anyway?

anon: 40

marcus: White Lonsdale briefs

dick: I didn't make this clear enough, sorry. I didn't wear the funeral outfit in the end. A-Girl and I are wearing the funeral outfits on Wednesday instead

trybaby: I will post picture when we do wear them. I agree that the no tie look would also be good, but the tie is completely over the top, so it has to be there

Your description has some correct elements actually, but there is certainly no drain in the middle of the room.

Yes I do have a figure in mind and I should get it

alpha: I would personally be very happy if the review happened over email rather than face to face. But that's the case with every possible situtation in my mind

fuzzy logic said...

Poor rabbit. I didn't realise the pain you went through. Good thing I didn't have to endure that. Mwahaha.

Quite liked the Polo shirt replacement, as I mentioned to you in the lift.

Oh, you do know that we get the pay review a few days after our appraisals? So it'll probably be another week until you find out. Just thought I should prepare you before you get any more 'happy surprises'.
Evil bitch, signing off.

Fresco said...

Again: classic post.

Regarding the “Quite a few people have started to realise and make comments about the fact that London Preppy is a character and not actually me” comment:

I think we can now all reveal that you really are BEE in disquise and that the person used to document blog with photographs is in a fact a model.


george said...

you poor thing....last job i had i tried to get my review and and stupid boss kept dragging it off until i demanded it. then before i got my review i was retrenched......boss was such a "a..hole"

W said...

my house mate has taken to wearing these:-

maybe you should get one to complete your outfit for wednesday?

Alpha Omega said...

London...what is wrong with face to face? To personal or hard to hide reactions when feedback is given?

The B&G said...

Your profile says you're not interested in anything? I like that.

Alexei said...

...and how's the gym?

London Preppy said...

alexei: Gym story tomorrow!

Daver said...

That's a stellar sounding outfit!