Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Wednesday 12/03/08

On Saturday morning I find myself in a very wealthy area of North London under circumstances which I’m not going to explain here and as I walk into the tube station to go central for the gym… 

…I spot three girls.  These girls are posh.  They are in the early/mid 20s and they all have expensive, neat, blonde long hair and nice expensive but subtle clothes (of course proper rich, posh people don’t wear obvious brands – they leave that to the gays and poor people who max out their credit cards to buy a Louis Vuitton logo with some bag behind it) and their accents, oh their accents.  These are accents formed in years of boarding school and NEVER interacting with people from the working classes. 

Obviously I fall in love with these girls (one in particular actually) and stay close enough and the following things happen: 

-          They are talking about a weekend away that’s coming up and this weekend away involves boat trips, perhaps boat races, I’m not quite sure.  They refer to “the boys” (this kind of people have huge circles of mixed friends they go way back with – they went to school together, their parents know each other) and they discuss how there should be mixed groups of boys / girls on each boat, otherwise “the boys” might get “too boisterous” and “competitive”.  This is a world I want to be in 

-          On the platform, I intend to keep near them to continue listening in, but I don’t need to try too hard.  They are staying close to me as well, I think they also have a passing interest.  I put this down to the fact that I’m wearing deck shoes, stripy shirt with collar up and a navy jumper.  My appearance is deceptive, they think I might be one of them, little do they know I would give my right arm to be 

-          When the train comes, it’s absolutely packed.  We go in through the same door and stand on breathing distance from each other.  They continue to chat (posh people have no consideration for others in public places) and discuss how appalling and overcrowded public transport is.  One of them says: “I mean if you’re ever going to be this hot, you might as well be on a sunbed”.  I almost turn straight 

-          One stop later I get off, never to see them again, apart from in some hallucination perhaps, sitting in some club toilets, imagining what it’s like to be normal, straight, carefree, well-bred, happy 

On Tuesday this week, I go to the gym after work, only to find out that I’ve left my membership card on my desk in the office.  So I says can I come in anyway (for God’s sake I’m here every day, you know me).  The manager woman (that says it all really) said no, rules are rules: you can only go to your Home Club if you don’t have your card with you (the Home Club is where you initially registered and mine is about 2 tube stops away from the club I usually go to).  So I says, this has happened before and you just rang my Home Club and checked and you let me in.  She says no, I can’t do that.  Whoever did that last time was wrong.  

After about 5 minutes of this (asking her what different it makes, how it will affect her job if she lets me in, telling her she’s ruining my evening), I have to leave and get the tube to the next gym and walk there, which adds about 20 minutes to my schedule, 20 minutes that could have been spent sitting on my couch watching Frasier.   

And can you imagine if my Home Club had been miles away?  I would not have been able to work out at all.  Oh my God this is making me angry right now as I’m typing. 

On the one hand I don’t really blame that woman, because she’s a complete moron, I mean she has a lame-ass job in a gym after all, but on the other hand, her politeness could have overcome her stupidity, but no, it didn’t. 

And even though expecting somebody like that to show initiative and take the situation in their hands is a bit like expecting the monkeys in the zoo to feed themselves and lock their cage every night, I am still quite infuriated this Tuesday evening.  But it’s OK, I have plenty of time while I’m stewing in my anger to come up with a payback plan. 

And this payback plan (also known as: How Can I Fuck Up These Inflexible Unhelpful Bastards) involves continuing to go the same gym daily, but taking my revenge through the following actions: 

-      Opening the container and emptying the remaining shower gel they provide in the shower after I’m done with it (every day)

-      Throwing blue paper towel in the toilet so as to block it – at least twice

-       Never returning the weights where they belong

-       Hiding the towels – not returning them after I’m done

-       Leaving rubbish in the lockers 

So basically they could have let me train without my card for once, which would have had no negative consequence on anyone, or they could be dealing with a series of never-ending gym faux-pas, bad etiquette, increased expenditure and some really annoying plumbing problems.  They chose the latter. 

I realize that some of the suggestions above are not aimed at the gym management and could harm customers or the poor cleaners instead, so please if you have any better ideas, let me know.


Auctor Ignotus said...

1. name the gym in your blog
2. incite readers to target location where you were not allowed.
3. everybody bring old, worn out briefs/boxers and leave them in lockers
4. sneeze on mirrors
5. save it up and leave the toilets unflushed
6. forget to turn off the shower
7. flyers with gym manager posted outside on light poles with fluorescent green "WALLY" printed under her picture.

Bolt Upright said...

Seeking revenge is really rather undignified, isn't it? Shouldn't you just be moving on?

But if you are determined, why don't you ask your three new posh girlfriends for help? I'll bet they have A LOT of experience abusing uncooperative staff who have inexplicably been given jobs they have no idea of how to perform and probably do it left right and centre.

NGM said...

maybe you could have 'turned up the crazy' a little louder and given gym woman a tip when she did not let you in?
bring her flowers on your next trip?
spead the love LP, spead the love.

London Preppy said...

auctor: I am taking up some of your suggestion, thanks, I can't say which ones of course

bolt: Brilliant. Who would have thought that the two stories from today's post could have been combined so ideally. These girls are perfect for this job. I better go back to find them.

Also, yes I agree that revenge is undignified and I'd never take revenge against people. I swear this. But against organisations...hmm...that's a very different story

London Preppy said...

ngm: Damn, I peaked with the crazy a little too early. I should have kept some for the gym

Dick Pics said...

morons like her are sad and pathetic and only have one thing to get them through the day: a crush on an inexplicably attractive guy who is beautiful and out of their league and makes them wet and sets off a series of hallucinations that involve passionate sex and the bearing of children. you must find out who this womans crush is and sleep with him. thus not only breaking her heart cause he fucked another but also turning him gay so that no matter what she may never have him.

Greg Turner said...

I still find myself overhearing/seeing people on the subway whose lives I want to steal.

They're usually tanner than me, waspier than me, and wear Zegna.

McKenzie said...

See there are two simple phrases that will get you threw situations such as this, you can take your pick:

"If you continue to hash this out with me, I will create a scene in front of everyone at this gym"


"That's fine, I will just have to go to the three local news stations and let them know you refused to service me because I am [gay, poor, an immigrant, disabled, etc.] and then I will tell them that the other two local news stations are running the same story."

London Preppy said...

dick: Ha ha! So mean. I kinda like it

London Preppy said...

greg: That does sound like the perfect description of who I'd like to be too. Which also reminds me to go get something from Zegna soon

London Preppy said...

mckenzie: I have already thought of the first one. If anything happens again, I will scream at her: "IN A GYM WHERE PEOPLE WANK IN THE SHOWERS AND HAVE SEX IN THE SAUNA, YOU ARE NOT LETTING ME IN FOR FORGETTING MY CARD?????"

Constantine said...

I would go with the removing of the shower gel and then lather some up on the floors near the entrance to the restrooms for people to have a nice trip.. =P

Dick Pics said...

i knew you would. note: for the maximum heartbreaking results make sure she catches you and said crush fucking instead of simply hearing about it. preferably in the showers with him in such a state of pleasure he does not notice her and goes on about pleasuring you as she watches contemplating the most dramatic and efficient form of suicide.

London Preppy said...

constantine: Well...we don't want to kill the other customers, do we? Even though this might put her in jail

Marcus said...

I just hate when low level cunts (female or male) get on a power trip for the purpose of delighting in someone else's misery. Somehow, they need to be taught a lesson for the purpose of improving their behavior to benefit you and many others, so if you frame your planning that way, your revenge can have a noble and beneficial purpose.

Patrick Bateman would rev up the chain saw at this point, but that really gets messy, so why don't you set up a meeting with some highish level club corporate manager and report her for saying things like: "If you fucking poofs can't remember your cards, than I can't do anything about it" and demand that she be sent in for retraining or something like that.

Or you can just put a big glob of vaseline on your card the next time you hand it to here to look at.

Woodsman said...

or you could just slowly look her up and down and say "well they let you in and it's clear you dont have a gym membership anywhere". girls hate that shit.

Constantine said...

Hm, true....

Muahaha, I would print out porno pics and then place them on her desk along with some of her papers and stuff and if one of the administration people came walking by, they would question her...and maybe, ultimately result in her being fired. >:)

London Preppy said...

marcus: I like the vaseline idea. Maybe other substances too...

woodsman: Ha ha. Great line

JakeW said...

You should have called your home branch in front of her; talked to the manager and soaped hem up telling him how happy you are and how many frieds you bought to his Gym...blah blah. Remember to describe her in patronising terms and remind him that he would have dealt with the situation SO much better. Ask him what to do - he'll talk to her and your in. Oh..remember to walk away loudly saying how shit she is and she never returns calls to prospective members in your office.

Her night will be ruined as she fumes on your words and waits for the call from her area manager, who your guy has snitched on her incompitance to. job done.

Gym managers love nothing better than to stab another in the back to get to that 'coveted' area manager position, not that its hard (qualification: speak english. Job History: telesales)

London Preppy said...

jakew: :-) And the speaking English part can sometimes be overlooked from what I've seen

Daver said...

I agree that the bitch at the counter sucks, but what concerned me more about the post is that you called me gay or poor cause of my louis. DAMN IT

Matt said...

When I worked for a certain American clothing company, not called A&F, one of the first things were were taught was never to say: "I am sorry, but company policy...", but to always find a solution or compromise to the situation. It is the most infuriating thing somebody can possibly say and ever since, if anybody ever says it, I explode.

george said... can't do anything cos the gym you go to is a large company that only cares about making money. I was with the melbourne, australia branch in richmond where the things you mention happens all the time. there was a total rude bitch, lets call her KYLIE (oops that's her real name...oh well who cares she is a bitch anyway). cos of her lower class phone manner and lack of any customer service skills i left the gym. there are other gyms we have to make a stand to tell them to fuck for revenge why don't you just shake a bottle of coke and open it as you pass her and accidentally squirt it into her

Red Exile / Красная Ссылка said...

Enormously off-topic, but I had to thank you.

Taking a leaf out of your book, this week while in London I found a splendid little Saudi doctor in Harley Street and got some Valium.

Two of these little pearl-drops of heaven - and plenty of Glenlivet - and I must say I *loved* the flight back home to Moscow tonight. Fabulous!

Notwithstanding the *vast* cross-winds over Central Europe the flight was dreamy.

You have, therefore, been a froce for good in my life; LOL

McKenzie said...

you know a lot of these ideas of revenge really only effect everyone else BUT the woman behind the counter. Maybe you should just break it down old-school and prank phone call her while she's working? I'm sure you know some crafty people who can use different voices?

DAMO said...

is it her u want revenge on?
If so research her through your excellent stalking techniques, which you have already shown are second to none lol
And then begin finding out where she lives etc and if she is married. Then begin stage 2 where you pretend and make everyone, including her husband believe that she is having an affair with you. shattering her marriage. punishing her and leaving her with no hope. You walk off satisfied that revenege has been accomplished and she tops herself. lol
U cud accuse her of taking the piss out of your accent and threaten leagal action (i know it is a bit messy, but u will win) getting her sacked and oncwe again - she then decides to devorce her head via the tube. revenge once again successfully accomplished and maybe even a little free mone or memebership.
Or get everyone you know to phione up making a complaint about her on the night of tuesday and that they are unhappy with her peoples skills and that you will not be renewing your memberships as a result. with various reasons (let u decide what they could be)

I do appologise for these rather worrying and psycho suggestions of mine tonight.
I like ur suggestions, they seem more realisitic lol.

Jake said...

I joined a gym once that didn't get me into their computer system for SIX FUCKING MONTHS, and I went through this bullshit almost every day when I tried to work out but they couldn't let me in because I still wasn't in their system.

Eventually I decided to fine them one towel every day they made a big scene about blocking me from entering the gym until they could find a manager to approve me.

And I now have a lifetime supply of bedside towels.

kim said...

just in case all this talk of revenge has clouded your mind, the below link will bring you crashing back to earth knowing that some bloke in the 1800s had far better abs than any of us here.