Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Tuesday 04/02/08

This is part 4 of answering your questions. 

Category: Death Becomes Me / You Have Killed Me 

75) Do you believe you can kill someone?

I often fantasise about killing people – as I’m sure we all do – but I think I might have some moral issues if I were actually presented with the opportunity.  Now under excruciating circumstances (for example: somebody decides to have a conversation on the tube, a new employee with better abs than me starts working in my office, that sort of thing) I cannot be held accountable for my actions, and I might actually be doing the world a favour. 

76) How would you kill them?

a) My victim gets pushed in front of a speeding train on the platform at Tottenham Court Road station (Central Line, eastbound), by a mysterious, short, shadow-like stranger who quickly runs off shortly after. 

b) Whilst walking to Pret for a baguette during lunch my victim’s skull gets crushed by a large steal ball on an out-of-control construction crane that comes barreling towards him at speed described by onlookers as ‘crazy’. 

The next day, on the front page of the Evening Standard a rough sketch of the culprit shows a young male with short, dark hair and facial features that don’t necessarily appear to be of British origin.  Those closest to the scene have commented on the guy spotted running out of the tube station / the driver of crane as “nicely dressed like he was on his lunch break from an office job”, “I loved his cardigan!” and “I think I’ve seen him on the cover of a magazine somewhere”. 

77) Do you think your parents would be upset if you killed someone?

You obviously haven’t met Greek parents.  Greek parents cannot find fault with their child, even if said child were found pulling a bloody kitchen knife out of a newly deceased teenage body whilst suffocating the victim with the other hand.  Unless the child told them they were gay of course, in which case they are fucked (and disowned). 

78) If you were one of those random mass murderers that committed a random mass killings say in a mall, university, high school, place of unemployment, or whatever...it happens all the time in the US... would you: 1) kill yourself immediately afterwards, or 2) let the police kill you upon their arrival?

I would never be one of those random mass murderers, because these random mass murderers are usually underdogs who act out their frustration / anger after having been ignored for years by more functional and successful members of the society.  And even though I am an underdog who has been ignored for years by more functional and successful members of the society, I have also the good sense to not let anyone know that I think they are better than me.  And this act screams “I think you’re better than me”. 

79) And if you were a serial killer, what kind of mask / signature weapon would you use? 

I would choose only very attractive, tall, muscled victims of a Caucasian background.  I would force-feed them Valium until they passed out (holding them at gunpoint), rape them, inject them with pure GHB and leave them to die in their coma.  I don’t particularly like explicit violence with tools/weapons you see. 

Category: Miscellaneous 

80) If your father found your blog would he ever mention it? 

My Father is not somebody who doesn’t say what’s on his mind.  He doesn’t know how to use the internet or know how to speak English though, so it might be a bit difficult.  In any case, the blog is all fiction and I’m just writing it for a book I’m about to publish (this is my story and I’m sticking to it). 

81) Have you ever dated a visual artist?  What was (or would you) suppose would be different about him? 

No, I haven’t.  What I suppose would be different is that he would be living in some warehouse East London and it would take ages to get to his place from mine, I would be getting up in the morning to go to work and he would be lying on the floor in an opium-induced coma, Agyness Deyn would be hanging out with us all the fucking time…it just wouldn’t work.   

82) I'd love to hear the story about how you met Scott. 

You can read about here 

83) Do you see yourself in any sort of rehabilitation clinic at some point in your life? Even just for the experience, if you haven't been booked in before now... 

Of course I haven’t been booked in rehab!  I don’t know about the future, maybe I should try to get addicted to something first.  

84) I once went to Athens when I was 12 and one vivid memory was that the newspaper stands also sold an assortment of dildos, is this still true?   

I can only assume that this was a dream or alternatively that I grew up in a very decent area of Athens. 

85) What is the Celsius equivalent of 82 Fahrenheit? 

As far as I remember you are supposed to divide that by something and add something else.  I choose to divide by 42 and add 18.  82 Fahrenheit is, therefore, 20 Celsius.  Am I close? 

86) Is it true that most British treat foreigners like crap unless they want to have sex with you?  I have no problem with this. 

No, we Brits treat everyone like crap irrespective of sexual intentions. 

87) Does Scott get on well with the lads? 

Not particularly.  The lads think that Scott is a bit flaky and irresponsible and Scott thinks they are a bit uptight and snobby. 

88) Did Scott's dog ever come back? 

Scott’s dog came back (well, got found anyway) but he has now been given away. 

89) Explain the apparent hesitation most English gay men exhibit when confronted with an attractive American gay man. 

I think the accent scares them.  I don’t know really, I’ve never met anyone American (in such a predicament).  If any attractive American gay men are reading this, please feel free to contact me, meet up with me and help me form an opinion. 

90) If I wanted a certain picture of you (grey shorts falling down, white underwear, obscenely curvy bum) but without the red comment bars, would you send it to me?  This is easily the sexiest fully clothed photo I have ever seen. 

I looked for this, but I don’t appear to have it anymore on my laptop, sorry.  The only copy left is the one on the blog with the comments, etc. 

91) What is the stupidest question you have received in response to this request (apart from mine)? 

I wouldn’t call any of them stupid really. 

92) What do you think about metrosexuals? 

I really have no opinion, it's just a term that stopped being used in 2002. 

93) Assuming that you are still half serious about going to Sydney, is Scott going with you? 

Yes, I am and no, I’m afraid Scott can’t come with. 

94) Have you ever pretended your hallway at home – maybe even work – was a runway and you were Naomi on the catwalk? 

No, I do a lot of work with the mirrors though.   

95) Are you free for dinner sometime? a) Yes whenever, b) Yes come round to mine after gym and I will cook something low carb, c) Yes and stay for breakfast too. 

Let’s try to remember that I don’t eat. 

96) You really hated my blog didn't you? (Please be honest) 

I can’t remember the story behind this.  Did I read your blog?  When was this?  In any case I don’t remember hating anything I read recently, unless you wrote One Hundred Years of Solitude or The Old Man and The Sea

97) If you were like me and easily embarrassed, but have determined you might be a bit of an exhibitionist, would it ever be a good idea to post nude photos on the web?

Yes.  But hide your face.  And try to get something out of it: money, drugs, sex, jewellery, whatever. 

98) Here is a question for you.  My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years […] he drinks too much […] He REALLY enjoys drinking […] if he has one drink he wants to have twelve […] I just wish he could recognize a stopping point […] What to do? 

Get him hooked on ketamine, you are not supposed to mix that with alcohol so he will certainly stop drinking.  You’re welcome.

29 comments:

Daver said...

The internet is very easy for conversions, just type in temperature conversions. Or take the Fahrenheit and subtract 30 and then divide by two and you'll get an answer that's relatively close.

London Preppy said...

daver: I could have looked it up, true, but I wanted to see if I have a clue at all on my own. Obviously I don't!

Daver said...

There's no reason that you should have to know. It would be easier if all the damn countries went by the metric system and a few countries didn't throw everything in a loop with their own systems (cough cough- the US). And you weren't far off, as long as you have a guess in the range you know whether you'll be able to wear shorts or more importantly take your shirt off.

Christopher said...

First thing that I thought of when I saw #76 is the idea of giving a cheeky coded confession of ones crime the following day in that naff 'Lovestruck/sighting' thing in 'thelondonpaper'.

It sparks a few ideas in my head, all too subtle/sick/cheesy. You might have better luck.

fuzzy logic said...

'I loved his cardigan!'
Some of your best work babes.

Timmy said...

I agree with fuzzy logic. I think that is one of your best lines EVER! lol

London Preppy said...

christopher: Something like:

"You: the pretty blonde in the red sweater reading Famous Five Go To Billycock Hill. Me: the black-clad stranger pushing the guy in the suit in front of the train. Did you feel the connection too?"

London Preppy said...

fuzzy & timmy: Well, I WAS wearing a brilliant brown cardigan from Junk de Luxe today. Any witness would have memorised it (with envy)

Bobby Vanquish said...

Oh god I so respect you since admitting you hate 100 Years Of Solitude.
It was when the fucking carpets started flying around and they started licking ice, that I put that rubbish down.
That book is not to be treated lightly. It should, instead, be thrown with a great force.
Respek bruvva,

London Preppy said...

bobby: I fucking hated it, it's true. Scholars call that genre magical realism, I call it fucking made up shit that don't make no sense (double negative deliberate)

London Preppy said...

PS: Am I the only one who demands to see more pictures of daver?

kim said...

PS: Am I the only one who demands to see more pictures of daver?

Maybe it's time to revisit the Sexiest Reader Contest?

London Preppy said...

kim: Nah, too much trouble. He should just send us the pictures.

Greg Turner said...

Not sure whether you're still soliciting questions, but here's mine:

If you had to choose between never wearing a pink/green combo again, and removing your tattoos, which would you choose?

London Preppy said...

greg: Not fair question! These are both current obsessions...If you ask me in 2 years I'll probably be happy to get rid of both

Greg Turner said...

Quite a dodge, lp. If my memory weren't a sieve, I'd follow up 2 years from now.

On a completely different front, I've been invited to spend July with friends on Chios. Good idea?

JA said...

Greg should win best question, hands down. red, italics and bold.

nylon said...

Hey LP! I was wondering whether you've read Sartre's play Huis Clos. Despite its over quoted ending, I think you'd find it interesting.

NGM said...

LP, mate,
Old Man Of the Sea, one of the best books ever. maybe re visit it in a few years.
in other news, i thought i saw your mate at Mardi Gras, think i recognised the belt, however was unable to string a sentance together at that period of the party so will never know.

NGM said...

can we see a pic of the cast of your cock from april 06?

Jon C said...

You aren't the only one who is demanding more photos, but you're probably the one who could get them the easiest.

I think your temperature guess is the best answer so far.

Riky said...

I was reading another blog and stumbled upon some pics of you without the red bar. It was interesting...you have a hint of sadness in your eyes. I don't know if "sadness" is the appropriate word to use.

London Preppy said...

greg: I've never been to Chios. But I say go. Why not

nylon: No, I haven't. I'll add it to my list

ngm: I've posted a picture of that, haven't I?
(Seen in the appropriate distance)

jon: I've got pictures, I'm just about to ask of I'm allowed to post them...

riky: pain?

Trybaby said...

It's funny reading your old post, I've pretty much forgotten what they imparted on me so many sleeps ago. They are almost like new.

Should Know Better said...

We definately need more pictures of Daver. The filthier the better.

Graham said...

I want to see more of Daver too. Daver, please let LP post the pics :)

London Preppy said...

should know / graham: We have pictures! I will post them tomorrow

Daver said...

sorry, I didn't send any filthy ones, pretty g-rated.

Graham said...

g-rated are just fine...it's nicer when some things are left to the imagination.