Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Wednesday 13/02/08

Some time over the weekend I’m on a the tube and this guy turns up and what we know about this guy is that he is blonde (in that rare good blonde way) and he has very wide shoulders and a big square head and he’s with another guy that we’re not interested in at this point and they’re both carrying sports bags that say something like Fight / Fighting, I can’t exactly remember. 

Also my guy is not very tall at all, maybe 5’9”, so basically he’s a little compact muscled blonde guy with a square head who can fight.  I.e. awesome. 

But what we also like about this guy is his haircut, which is very short all over (maybe a no.2 or perhaps no.3) apart from a wide strip on the back of his head which is longer – some short of wide Mohican.  But don’t think it’s a sticky-up Mohican or anything too teenage like that, it’s way sexier like that and to be honest I want it. 

Of course it’s gonna look shit on me because I don’t have his super fine, effortless blonde flyaway hair and amazing square head, but right now I can’t think straight, this is the guy that I want to be (today) and this is the hair that he has. 

So on Tuesday evening Scott comes round to mine and we watch the new Family Guy movie Blue Harvest (thanks A LOT to the reader who sent this) and then I get the clippers out and I demand that Scott makes me look like that guy. 

Of course Scott has never seen that guy and all we have to go by is my vague recollection of what his hair looked like plus a complete lack of knowledge / talent in cutting hair.  In any case, two plays of Feedback by Janet Jackson and three plays of A&E by Goldfrapp later, I no longer have my big preppy hair, but I do have a no.2 all over and some hair sticking out at the back. 

But we’re not going to be upset about that, hair grows after all. 

On Wednesday after work I meet Scott in the gym and this Wednesday at the gym is when I get really mad with him.  My reasons are twofold: 

Reason One: Once again Scott decides that it’s a good idea to pick on a facial feature of mine which I really hate – a feature that he continuously reminds me is unattractive.  When dealing with somebody ridden with insecurities and obsessions (i.e. me) this is not a good plan.  In fact as you may have read, only recently I was considering plastic surgery to correct all these things that I hate about myself and I only put this off because I can’t afford it.

Reason Two: When we’re in the changing room and I’m changing into my gym clothes, Scott finds the opportunity to grab my chest, call me booby, feel my abs, comment on my physical fitness.  This actually infuriates me.  

I can honestly say, without any sense of exaggeration, that over the last 2.5 years that I’ve known Scott, there hasn’t been a single time when I got naked in front of him (even to try on a t-shirt in a shop) and he hasn’t felt my chest or arms or abs or something.  2.5 years later, this offends me. 

I like to think that having gone out with somebody for all this time, they might have gone past the stage where they’re with me because I happen to have developed pectoral muscles.  And in 2.5 years, Scott has never ever complimented me on my face, never to tell me I’m good looking, never to say I have beautiful eyes (or whatever lovers are meant to say), and you know what, I think I fucking do.  Whenever I point out that I like the fact my eyes are blue despite being Greek, he points out that he prefers dark eyes because they have more depth. 

And I hate the fact that he still focuses on my body (like he just saw me in a club for the first time and all he knows about me is that I have abs) and the reason for this is very simple: 

Ever since I got sick two years ago and within a fortnight I had lost all my physical fitness, I feel painfully insecure about my body and the fact that people are attracted to it.  

Somehow I believe that my chest, my six-pack, my biceps are not part of me, they do not make me the person I am, they are something temporary that I struggle to maintain, and once I lose them (which could happen within weeks as I’ve experienced before) nobody will be attracted to me.  

So if someone is in it for the long term, if I can trust that they will love me in 10 years, through sickness and health, through physical perfection but also possibly being skinny and/or fat, they have to base their love and attraction on more substantial things than my tits.  

And I’m not talking about intangible things like humour, personality, intelligence (that would be a long stretch for somebody who like me for my chest), but even facial features, smile, whatever. 

So in the gym I tell Scott all this and then I remind him that he has never said that he thinks I’m handsome and I ask him to admit that it’s because he actually doesn’t find me face attractive.  

He refuses to concede that and I don’t like being lied to, so I leave. 

Happy Valentine’s I guess. 

And yes, I know I’m angry now and might feel differently tomorrow, but this blog describes my daily thoughts and feelings, it’s contradictory and it’s ever-changing and this is how I feel right now.


Will said...

Hey L-P,

Don't be angry / sad.

You have a great deal going for you! Your funny, and have a great face / body - you need to love yourself before everyone else can do so!

I don't know about your relationship but you need to look out for yourself!


Trybaby said...

Poor boy give us a hug *hug*. Don't worry I bet you that a lot of guys on here think like I do that you are very handsome and have a great smile and a brilliant personality. If Scott don't want you I'll snatch you up in a picosecond, I've always wanted to go to London ;)

Brian said...

I can't comment on your eyes, and all I have about your personality is what i read on your blog, but you seem like a handsome guy inside and out - but regardless of that, how about a pic of the haircut so we have a better sense of what it looks like??

Bolt Upright said...

What's the probability that the friend of compact muscled blonde guy with a square head who can fight gave him that wide Mohican with his own clippers and a #2?

That's a fun thought. Maybe all over the world little muscle boys are stood in bathrooms giving each other haircuts.

London Preppy said...

Thanks for the sweet comments. Gotta say I wasn't fishing for compliments, I was just kinda angry

bolt: I know! Maybe it's a new rage. I'm hoping to inspire some people myself too

Toby said...

Very good post.

Riky said...

Hmmm you think about things to much. Breathe Deep and let it go!

Greg Turner said...

Clearly he's afraid you'll slip away while in Sydney and is doing some psychological warfare mumbojumbo in advance to keep you on a tight leash. :) Stay strong!

London Preppy said...

toby: Thanks. I'll classify you as a fan of then rants then...

riky: My mind HAS been described as overactive!

greg: Ha! Busted. That'll show him

Tom Cat from Bondi Beach said...

mmmm ... may be Scott has a different sense of humour to you but on my reading of your post he just sounds 'plain mean'.

There are some seriously damaged folk out there - I hope he ain't one of them.

W said...

OMG. Depth. Who'd have ever known. chin up mr.

firechick said...

Me again. Wow, it must be a mystical connection here. Just after I wrote my comment you write this new post. So until Scott plays nice or you forgive him, just remember what I said. Also I meant to type young not you in regard to moving to Sydney.

Marcus said...

You know, a blue-eyed greek must be about as rare as a blue-eyed dog, so maybe one day you could post a picture of an eye without the usual red bar. Just one eye, a real close pic, so that your cover remains intact.

Mike said...

Does the admission of an overactive mind have something to do with the “Unquiet Mind” addition to your wish list? Did someone recommend it to you? I’ve read it. It’s very good.

London Preppy said...

marcus: I did that at some point, I took the pictures down a few days later again though

mike: I read about the Unquiet Mind in a newspaper or something recently. It sounded very good

blueyedboy said...

John McCririck calls his other half Booby doesn't he? Although presumably for different reasons than Scott has for calling you it...

graham said...

I remember those pics and I photoshop-reconstructed your face (coz I'm that kind of stalker) and well, I have to say you have the face of a well sculpted greek statue, only with actual eyes (very nice ones too) instead of those creepy looking eyes that they carve into the heads of statues.

I'm pretty sure Scott loves you for much more than your pecs, but I suspect you know that already and he just doesn't like feeding your neuroses.

Jon C said...

I think you're just making this up so as to not have to post what your handwriting looks like.

Timmy said...

"...I love you Just The Way You Are." :-) (You know Billy Joel wrote that song for his wife and then divorced her for Christie Brinkley.) LP, I REALLY do love you just the way you are.

If things don't work out with trybaby, I'll move to London or Sydney or Timbuktu with you.

London Preppy said...

Damn I forgot the handwriting again. I'll do it today I promise

Mike said...

You say the blonde guy is 'short' but arn't you shorter than him?

george said...

the hair sounds interesting....are you going to post some pics of your new hair? i am lucky enough to work in an environment where i can have a wide mohawk....not a stand up one but a long flowing bf has blue eyes and is a that common?

scott is just been cruel to be kind cos he realises he will miss you when you decide to move to sydney and there is nothing he can do to stop you. is there?....keep on writing blue

Gabriel said...

scott is smitten and in love with you deeply. he just expresses it in a bastard manner. that's what destroyed individuals do best. happy v day babe!

Ben said...

Has it occurred to you that you may already be distancing yourself emotionally from Scott in preparation for the geographical separation you seem to be moving towards?

Wayne Cronin said...

That's a really good post LP and you're right to vent your anger, good man.

I'm actually going through the opposite to what you are! I just broke up with my bf after a year and a half and I've thrown myself back into gym life to regain my abs. I stopped going because he didn't like my toned bod but loved everything else. Men, can't please them all the time!

Brandon said...

LP I am deeply touched by your post. Just know that we all love you, Scott included. We all have a bit of neuroctic behavior in us. You are amazing and beautiful on the inside, I am addicted to your posts. Keep them coming.

London Preppy said...

mike: Yes. He's short, I'm short. Just because I'm 5'8 doesn't mean I consider people who are 5'9 to be gigantic. It's a simple logic really

george: New hair might not last very long!

gabriel: Hope you had a good Vday too, thanks

ben: Excellent point. I am almost consciously doing that

wayne: What do they want? WHAT!

brandon: Again, that's very sweet, thank you

Guy Ruben said...

I do see your point. I also think its pretty hot that after all this time he still finds you physically attractive. But once you get past how someone looks, its the personality that keeps you interested for the long run. the new haircut pic? You shoulda tried youtubbing it for something to go by. I'm sure its hawt!