Wednesday 06/02/08

On Tuesday at work there is something wrong.  There is uncertainty and unrest in the air, I don’t trust anyone, I am surrounded by villains, I am living in a George Orwell novel. 

There are people who I normally like but today they are somehow different.  They are not just looking at me anymore, they are staring at me as a potential target victim with specific intent. 

I have sunk to a level where I take some of the few people I like in there and I’m ready to shred them to bits.  Not that they don’t completely deserve it, they are fiends and they are violent, but they had managed to pull the wool over my eyes for all this time.

At 1430 I lock myself in the toilet – the one without a window – and sit there with my head between my knees (an emergency crash landing position to protect me from I don’t know what) and contemplate what my next move should be. 

At 1450 I walk back to my desk and start emailing myself.  I write:

“I think in these times of unrest and uncertainty I am best off not putting my trust in anyone.  Every desk is a battleground and every interaction is a small war.  I’ll be lucky to stay alive by the end of the day”

I send this email, receive it instantly, spend a few moments taking it all in and reply to myself:

“I will feel a lot more confident if I come in wearing dark sunglasses tomorrow.  I need to be able to watch people without them seeing me.  I might also turn my desk round so that I’ve got my back against the wall; I am really scared of what (or who) might pop up behind me”

After I send this, I go in my Sent folder, retrieve the message, add the following and send it again:

“I dare not take my beloved Valium even though it might give me temporary peace of mind, because I want to be agile and have all my senses alert. 

This is the beginning of the chaos I was expecting.  Brace yourself” 

At 1635, my Inbox filled with emails I’ve sent repeatedly to myself over the last 45 minutes, my vision a blur, Disco Science by Mirwais playing on a constant loop in my head, I open a Word document and type the following message: 

“I can feel it in the air.  And to think how all of this is destined to grow in the coming months!  Best be prepared early on.  This is exactly why I need to pay close attention to every glance, every toilet break, every cough, comment, gesture.  I can’t be too careful here, my life is at stake. 

I’m frightened and I’m excited.  Bring on the chaos, bring it on” 

I print two copies of this out, walk up to the printer and take one back to my desk, screw it up and drop it inside my waste paper basket.  I leave the other copy on the printer, I delete my emails, I walk back to the toilet.