Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Tuesday 05/02/08

On Saturday we wake up at 0645 and run downstairs and get on the bus and 3 ½ short hours later we’re at Grenoble airport, where I force down a big sandwich, a pain au chocolat and some Milka chocolate, because I won’t be eating these things for a while from now on.  

And while we’re waiting at the airport we play a new card game that Matty just invented, called Strip Guess The Card.  In this game Matty holds a deck of cards and I pick one without looking and I have to guess which one it is and if I don’t, I have to take off one item of clothing. 

And after I lose my Lyle & Scott jumper, my Louis Vuitton belt, one Timberland boot, a second Timberland boot, my G-Shock watch and I’m ready to take off my Energie T-shirt, Matty stops the game “to protect the public”, which means that he forfeits and I win. 

Then we get on the plane (Matty, Nicole, John A, Emma! and I) and then we’re back in London. 

On Saturday evening I go out for dinner with Scott and Donnell and Brendan and Bryant and I eat a pizza, because I’m still on holiday and it doesn’t count.  Then I spend the night at Scott’s where I would have liked to stay up and watch CSI and Family Guy, but unfortunately I fall asleep at 2300.  Well at least it’s now been 9 nights since I last took sleeping pills or Valium. 

On Sunday I can’t remember what happens, so it can’t have been that good, no actually I take that back, it MUST have been good, because every memory is a bad one, and not having any can only be good news. 

On Monday I’m back at work, so at lunchtime I go out to the shops and after a week of being sociable and friendly I revert back to my usual self, it’s not that difficult actually, I just walk around looking blank and emotionless, go in shops and buy things avoiding eye contact with the staff, look past people handing me flyers and discount cards on the street. 

And as I walk back to the office I make a new shortlist of what I find attractive in people and my top five things (plus their opposites which I find completely unacceptable) are, in random order: 

1)    Yes: Masculine symmetrical faces.  Looking like they’ve taken a beating or been to prison a plus.  Big noses acceptable (only if they are sharp)

No: Feminine, pretty, round faces.  Round plump noses completely intolerable 

2)    Yes: To overall muscleness / strength / brawn

No: To anyone the same size or smaller than me 

3)    Yes: General blondeness, fairness, more blondeness.  I read somewhere that naturally blonde people are likely to become extinct in the next few hundred years because of mixing with dark haired people.  If I were a dark haired woman I would leave blonde men alone, to avid mixing my disgusting gene pool with theirs.  Not that I’m gay I don’t mind, because it’s not like we’re going to have children anyway

No: Anyone with even darker hair than mine 

4)    Yes: I’ve mentioned this before, but…immense paleness

No: Tans 

5)    Yes: Vacant, empty, dead eyes.  Not vacant, empty, dead eyes because you’ve got nothing in you, but vacant, empty, dead, eyes because something happened to you, sometime somewhere and it killed them.

No: Expressive, joyful eyes.  Looking at somebody and being able to guess anything about their emotions, completely unacceptable


Bolt Upright said...

I dunno. That all still adds up to Josh Lewsey, so nothing's changed, eh?

London Preppy said...

bolt: It's not my fault he's the perfect human being and a sweet little bunny

Marcus said...

Listed below are the symptoms of Aspergers Syndrome:

-Impaired social interaction

- Clumsiness

- Limited interests

- Unusual preoccupations

- Repetitive routines or rituals

- Speech and language peculiarities
- Non-verbal communication problems

- Word repetition

- Few facial expressions - apart from anger or misery

- Excellent rote memory

- Musical ability

- Intense focus on one or two subjects

- Being "in their own world"

- Preoccupied with their own agenda

- Lack of empathy

- Deviant verbal communication

- Deviant nonverbal communication

- Idiosyncratic attachment to inanimate objects

- Eccentric personality

- Socially unadapted personality

- Particular aptitude e.g.

- Flat, cheerless demeanor

- Single-mindedness

- Social withdrawal

- Lack of interest in other people

London Preppy said...

marcus: I almost see the point and even though there are many things on the list that definitely apply, there are also several that are very contradictory. For example the last one (lack of interest in people) is extremely unrepresentative, I mean that's what I do - have a very keen interest in everyone else :-) Also I am very empathetic, have absolutely no musical ability (I have tried!), I am the opposite to clumsy, etc.

Come to think about it, only the social interaction attributes apply to me from that list.

I guess we'll have to keep looking!

Trybaby said...

Did anyone ever guess the card right? And would you really have gotten naked?

Neil said...

Holy shit. Lewsey. I'm going to move to the UK immediately. We Americans are so lame in the prettiness of our sports heros. I am ashamed for us.

Andre said...

But if a masculine symmetrical face has taken a beating, wouldn't it look slightly asymmetrical?

semistraight said...

"Let's play Strip Guess The Card" does sound nicer than "Strip down naked - now!"...might try that on some friends sometime ;).
So where's John B & Emma? Halfway through the holiday you finally decided to get rid of them and flushed down their slashed up bodies at the chalet toilets?

Btw, I score a 3 out of 5 :-/

Jon C said...

Did you guess any of the cards correctly?

Matt said...

Speaking of Lewsey there is an article in The Times explaining why [LP] goes weak at the knees when thinking about rugby players.

"But over here in Richmond, Fulham, Chiswick or Chelsea west of the Bluebird [ed: wait, maybe that is why Scott lives out West], rugby players are the men — possibly the only men — of choice. Is it a class thing? Is it that [LP prefers his] sportsmen a bit posh? Or is it based on the perception that rugby men have brains to go along with their brawn? Whatever it is, it is potent. Even the second-team players at Harlequins seem to rate higher than those of us engaged in those wimpish activities otherwise known as proper jobs.

I can’t get out of the door of my apartment without Phil Vickery or Josh Lewsey flouncing past with their tight shirts and unnecessarily large shoulders, leaving a trail of slack-jawed women in their wake."

Anyways, the article recommends you look out for these up-and-coming rugby types...perhaps a new crush in the making??

Mike Phillips, 25, scrum-half, Wales
Soulful and swarthy with a bewitching stare, he’s fearless on the pitch and, more notably, being from Wales he can probably sing. A killer combination.

Andy Gomarsall, 33, scrum-half, England
Who can resist a man who gained a place in England’s squad after playing for a pub team? Capable, mature and modest. A local hero.

Florian Fritz, 24, centre, France
Blessed with great pace thanks to sturdy thighs, it’s the equally sturdy jaw that makes [LP] go weak at the knees.

Sergio Parisse, 24, back row, Italy
The Mediterranean and Argentinian mix ensures enduring appeal – he can offer fancy footwork on and off the pitch.

Chris Cusiter, 25, scrum-half, Scotland
The combination of blond hair, blue eyes, and Aberdonian lilt make him a supreme example of Scottish eye-candy.

Gordon D’Arcy, 27, inside centre, Ireland
Just the surname does it. Even without a wet shirt and sideburns, his charm would make [LP] quiver.

Auctor Ignotus said...

Point five had me clapping my hands as I was deeply concerned about your tendency on holiday to start to express warmth and affinity for your new friends.

As for the symptoms of Aspergers, there is nothing listed regarding writing like a typewriter.

London Preppy said...

trybaby: I guess I would have taken my top off for fun

neil: And there are many better pictures than this one above too!

andre: I can forgive asymmetry if it's a consequence of violence

semistraight: Nah, they just caught a different flight (and no, not to avoid us)

London Preppy said...

jon: No. I stuck with 8 of diamonds all the way through but it never came up

matt: Brilliant! I will look all these up. Might even write about them if inspired

auctor: Yes, the misanthropic balance is now restored...

george said...

WE WANT FAT HOLIDAY PIC!!!!......george

Auctor Ignotus said...

With reference to Marcus comment:

DSM-IV diagnostic code: 301.81

This is all I have to say with all admiration for high-function LP.

London Preppy said...

george: There isn't one! I didn't quite turn obese after 2 days of eating bread and butter as an appetiser

auctor: I don't understand, but maybe that was the point