Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Wednesday 30/01/08

Skiing day two: On Sunday I decide that if I want to pass the time quicker and possibly have some fun, I need to make up some irrational stories and scenarios in my head, create some intrigue and possibly destroy a few lives.  In order to do all this, I choose to obsess over John A.  (John A's story here). 

John A is not really anything to wrote home about (even though this is literally what I’m doing right now I think), but he looks OK and he has bigger arms than all the other people at the chalet (albeit still smaller than the average gay person) and I think he has good legs too, but I can’t really tell through the skiing trousers.  Not to mention that he keeps telling us the story about how big his feet are, which to me means that he’s looking for something in that chalet, something that his fiancĂ©e Emma! simply can’t provide. 

So following this decision the highlight of Sunday for me comes when, walking past John A and Emma!’s room, Matty and I overhear Emma! shout the desperate plea: “SPEED IT UP!  SPEED IT UP”, which no matter how you take it cannot be a good sign for their relationship. 

Could it be that Emma! wants to take her turn in the shower and is asking him to get on with it, could it be that John A simply can’t go fast enough leaving Emma! constantly unsatisfied, could it be that they are both DJ’s and are mixing some tracks in their room putting down some beats which are not cutting it for Emma!, could it be that John A cannot operate Emma!’s vibrator?  Any of these are enough to drive him into my arms. 

Despite these positive signs, the plan doesn’t get to an amazing start as I miss a perfect opportunity at dinner time, when the lights go out for 3-4 minutes.  Against expectations I do not make my move then and I am not found on John A’s lap making out with him when the lights come back on. 

What does happen though is that the following day at lunchtime Matty, Nicole and I share a restaurant table with John A and Emma! and when John A walks away to go snowboarding leaving a half-eaten sausage sandwich behind, a) I take a picture of it and b) take a bite of it.  I can’t think of a more accurate description of this, than that I have done as good as kiss him. 

And here’s the half-eaten sandwich with John A’s bite marks on it plus some leftover grease on the napkin.



15 comments:

graham said...

You make me laugh so much. I love it. And you.

Tim in Italy said...

Wow. You took a bite of his sandwich? You suffered grease and carbs? This is getting totally out of hand.

I wouldn't say this to just anyone, but ski lodges can be quite dangerous places. Emmal could suffer all sorts of accidents, or simply disappear in a snow bank, not be found until spring thaw. (I'm sure there's an Agatha Christie book on a similar theme. You could use it as a primer on where not to slip up.) And you'd be there, ready to comfort and, if necessary, caress the hapless John A at his time of loss.

I'm just saying.

Mike said...

Thats the weirdest post i ever read... including the weird mask ones....

george said...

special and freaky.....please tell me you did take a bit of the sandwitch???? even better you should have licked the bitten part.......so much more stalker material......this trip sounds like it is getting better by the day.........i'm rivetted......george

Frontier Psychiatrist said...

1. I love the name "Emma!" more than any other I've come across on your blog.

2. I hope that sandwich looked less depressing in real life.

3. My mind immediately leapt to vibrator, but I think I prefer them both being DJs and Emma! having impossibly high standards.

Trybaby said...

Lol that would be so cool if they were DJ's. I can just picture them now both of them in robes bent over a turn table, holding large head phones to one ear and fiddling with buttons and dials.

You should go to their room one day for a visit and excuse yourself to their bathroom then find his tooth brush and make out with it. That way you have kissed him and he will kiss you later.

the one in your dreams said...

ummmmmmm.....

Superdrewby said...

OMG you ate from someone's half eaten sandwich?

That's so disgusting why oh why did you do that?

It's not the same as kissing them, when you kiss them you get something out of it too! I think you need to take a xanax or give him one and her a temazapan!

Andre said...

I just read your last posts after my trip to London, they are hilarious! So, what would you do if Emma! one day asked you "We should all go out for dinner once we are back to London, wouldn't it be a sound thing to do?", with her possessed smile and joyous eyes.

I think you should consider a contingency plan, it may happen sooner than you think.

Tom Cat from Bondi Beach said...

1 You are a seriously damaged person.
2 I am sincerely falling in love with you.

DAVID said...

Watch out with those greasy sausage sandwiches. That greasy napkin can be your white underwear! (That happened to me once!) Ha Ha!

Gabriel said...

sweetheart, i wouldn't recommend you taking a bite of his sandwich. because (a) its a carb (b) its white bread - you'll die.....

Matt said...

Are Matty and Nicole aware of your obssession? Or are you just sharing it with us lucky readers.

London Preppy said...

matt: Yes, they're aware. It's our holiday joke. Plus they know the nicknames I have given to our new friends and we use those instead of their real names. We indicate Emma! with spirit fingers

george said...

OMG spirit finger.....wasn't that just the best....neat.....george