On Tuesday after work I go to the gym and at the gym I don’t see Hairy Guy or anyone else we know, but I do see some new guy that I think maybe I should obsess about for a bit, just to pass the time and make my workout more enjoyable.
It does help to have someone you fancy in the gym, or maybe even somebody you don’t fancy but can convince yourself that you do, because then you can look over at them between sets, give them “the look” (whatever that is), time your visits to the water fountain so you meet them there and brush shoulders with them, go in the changing room and try to catch glimpse of them with their top off, that sort of thing.
I don’t know how much I can say about this guy from Tuesday, because I know that he’s gay and goes out “on the scene” (what a wonderful characterization to fall under), so he’s probably reading this right now, in which case hi, and no, I don’t mean you.
Anyway, I do most of these things described above and the new guy doesn’t seem that fussed about me, which never fails to infuriate me and depress me in equal measures. Then I text Donnell, because we’ve mentioned this guy before (and Donnell likes him) and I ask:
“You know this quite ___ ___/___ guy who comes to ___ gym occasionally and you think is fit? What do we know about him?”
Then Donnell says:
“Nothing. The ___ guy at the gym said he had threesomes with ___. Why?”
Then I says: “Oh nothing, I just want to fuck him”
And this is as far as we’ve gone with this one, it might be the beginning of a beautiful thing, it might now. I’ll let you know.
Now then, as we know it’s a new year and this year I need to put on a stone in weight. So out goes the diet with no carbs and toilet paper, because that diet serves well Geri Halliwell when she wants to shoot the video for It’s Raining Men, but it doesn’t serve well me, an aspiring fat guy. Well, not fat, just bulky.
And here is the new diet:
0845 (before leaving home and whilst checking facebook/blog comments/mybigmuscle/the rest of the internet): A big bowl of Special K with soy milk
0945 (after arriving at the office): Two bananas
1100 (getting hungry and bored): A low fat fruit yogurt with added nuts (bursting)
1315 (sitting at desk reading some book because you’re banned from going on the internet): Two chicken breasts with cherry tomatoes and wild rocket
1415 (starting to feel hypoglycemic because you haven’t had anything sweet since the 29th of December 2007): One drop of honey – no bigger than two raindrops (pour on finger and stick in mouth without touching teeth)
1500 (extremely bored and still 3 hours before gym time): One tin of lentils (cold, straight from the tin)
1600 (two hours before the gym – need to load on carbs): 250g of wild rice and a low-fat chicken wrapper from Boots
1715 (almost ready to go now): One banana and a can of sugary sports drink – not Red Bull, you’ll be up all night
1930 (right after the workout): Protein shake
2030 (sitting at home watching Frasier or Family Guy or similar): Half a roast chicken, salad
2215 (getting the munchies again after the 4th Frasier episode): Half a melon
2345 (last thing you do before going to bed, well apart from reading your book): Two egg whites – no flavouring
And that’s all. Wish me luck in my attempt to be a little bit fatter.