First here’s a note. Aussie PT will be referred to as Jack from now on. Got that? Aussie PT = Jack.
So as we all know I don’t watch films because they’re bloody boring and I have much better things to do with my time like obsess about people I don’t know, log on to facebook 76 times a day to see if Jack has accepted my friend request, keep changing my mind between being pale or tan, write stories on here that nobody wants to know.
To be fair maybe all films aren’t boring, but I certainly don’t have the attention span to sit down and watch anything for more than 22 minutes, so I’ll never know. Regardless, today’s post is dedicated to film reviews, because on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day I’m mostly in front of a TV and there are lots of films playing and I catch at least 10 minutes of several of them.
Please allow for a certain lack of credibility and expertise.
Film 1: Sister Act. This film stars Whoopi Goldberg is a Las Vegas club singer who witnesses a murder and consequently joins a convent to protect her identity with hilarious consequences. The contradiction between strict, conservative Catholicism and Whoopi Goldberg’s irreverent take on life and her tough, street-smart attitude have us all in stitches. I, on the other hand, am quite bored. Scott tells me that EVERYONE likes this film and what’s wrong with me, I zone out and think about Jack’s armpits for a bit, we never watch the end.
Film 2: Sister Act 2. This film stars Whoopi Goldberg as I’m not sure what, because I only catch it in the middle for 10 minutes and the plot isn’t very clear, but I think it’s set in a school which is located on the wrong side of town with fierce, unruly multiethnic pupils who are decent kids deep down but need some inspiration and guidance. I am going to take a wild guess that Whoopi Goldberg provides that.
Film 3: Ratatouille. This film stars a little rat, who’s very cheeky, like a little monkey you might say, so he’s a little rat and also a little monkey. And he’s also a very talented chef and I can’t really connect with this film even though I quite like the little rat, because I don’t understand his work ethic. If I were a rat, I would probably be content with running around stealing food and definitely not working, so I kinda despise him for that. Also if I were a little rat I would move into Jack’s house and watch him shower all the time.
Film 4: Casino Royal. This is the latest James Bond film of course, which was hyped to us, the gays, for Daniel Craig’s amazing, flawless new body. Personally I can’t see an amazing, flawless new body, but I can see a 40-year-old man who was injected with anabolic steroids for 6 weeks before they started filming and has consequently developed quite exaggerated lats and a steroid belly. Regardless, there is a scene where Daniel Craig is tied naked to a chair and has his arse whipped, so naturally I’m watching until this comes on and then turn over. I can’t help to think that if I kidnapped Jack I wouldn’t tie him on a chair, I would be more likely to tie him on a wheel, or maybe across a door frame (standing up), so I can see the full extend of his body.
Film 5: Murder on the Orient Express. This is a movie adaptation of the Agatha Christie novel of course and I’m not going to slag it off because I actually like it a lot and even though I may not have watched it with full attention since I was 10 or something (I had a greater attention span then) I have been in a room numerous times while it was playing. Amazingly I can’t make any connections between Jack and this film, even though come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind murdering him (not by stabbing though) and keeping him in my living room until he decomposes.
Film 6: Fantastic Four. This is a light-hearted superhero blockbuster, which was hyped us, the gays, for Chris Evans’ amazing masculine hairy-chested body and to the straights for Jessica Alba’s…I don’t know, whatever it is that straight people like. I watch this film until Chris Evans appears shitless with a towel wrapped around his waist and then turn over.
Film 7: As Good As It Gets. This is a film starring Jack Nicholson as a hugely unlikable loner with severe obsessive compulsive disorder and Helen Hunt as a troubled yet good-natured waitress with a son that spits blood. Well maybe blood, I’m not sure, he spat in a bucket, I couldn’t see. After 5 minutes this film becomes excruciatingly boring but thankfully in almost bedtime and I turn the TV off.
I go to bed and it is now the 5th night in a row that I have to take a Valium or sleeping tablet to fall asleep, but it is also the 4th day that I haven’t hard any chocolate / sugar / sweets, so maybe there is a connection there I’m not sure.
On Wednesday I’m chatting to Mean and asking him what big and expensive gifts he is getting me for my birthday and Mean says that he’s spending £5 max, and I say that with £5 he can easily get a DVD of the film Renaissance Man with Mark Wahlberg when he was hot (as seen on my Amazon wishlist), or a pair of clueless straight-boy pants from M&S like I like to wear now, or a copy of the Men’s Health special issue which is out now with workouts only, or 4 chicken breasts, or 7.5 minutes of personal training with Jack, the possibilities are endless.