Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Wednesday 02/01/08

First here’s a note.  Aussie PT will be referred to as Jack from now on.  Got that?  Aussie PT = Jack. 

So as we all know I don’t watch films because they’re bloody boring and I have much better things to do with my time like obsess about people I don’t know, log on to facebook 76 times a day to see if Jack has accepted my friend request, keep changing my mind between being pale or tan, write stories on here that nobody wants to know. 

To be fair maybe all films aren’t boring, but I certainly don’t have the attention span to sit down and watch anything for more than 22 minutes, so I’ll never know.  Regardless, today’s post is dedicated to film reviews, because on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day I’m mostly in front of a TV and there are lots of films playing and I catch at least 10 minutes of several of them.  

Please allow for a certain lack of credibility and expertise. 

Film 1: Sister Act.  This film stars Whoopi Goldberg is a Las Vegas club singer who witnesses a murder and consequently joins a convent to protect her identity with hilarious consequences.  The contradiction between strict, conservative Catholicism and Whoopi Goldberg’s irreverent take on life and her tough, street-smart attitude have us all in stitches.  I, on the other hand, am quite bored.  Scott tells me that EVERYONE likes this film and what’s wrong with me, I zone out and think about Jack’s armpits for a bit, we never watch the end.  

Film 2: Sister Act 2. This film stars Whoopi Goldberg as I’m not sure what, because I only catch it in the middle for 10 minutes and the plot isn’t very clear, but I think it’s set in a school which is located on the wrong side of town with fierce, unruly multiethnic pupils who are decent kids deep down but need some inspiration and guidance.  I am going to take a wild guess that Whoopi Goldberg provides that. 

Film 3: Ratatouille. This film stars a little rat, who’s very cheeky, like a little monkey you might say, so he’s a little rat and also a little monkey.  And he’s also a very talented chef and I can’t really connect with this film even though I quite like the little rat, because I don’t understand his work ethic.  If I were a rat, I would probably be content with running around stealing food and definitely not working, so I kinda despise him for that.  Also if I were a little rat I would move into Jack’s house and watch him shower all the time.  

Film 4: Casino Royal.  This is the latest James Bond film of course, which was hyped to us, the gays, for Daniel Craig’s amazing, flawless new body.  Personally I can’t see an amazing, flawless new body, but I can see a 40-year-old man who was injected with anabolic steroids for 6 weeks before they started filming and has consequently developed quite exaggerated lats and a steroid belly.  Regardless, there is a scene where Daniel Craig is tied naked to a chair and has his arse whipped, so naturally I’m watching until this comes on and then turn over.  I can’t help to think that if I kidnapped Jack I wouldn’t tie him on a chair, I would be more likely to tie him on a wheel, or maybe across a door frame (standing up), so I can see the full extend of his body. 

Film 5: Murder on the Orient Express.  This is a movie adaptation of the Agatha Christie novel of course and I’m not going to slag it off because I actually like it a lot and even though I may not have watched it with full attention since I was 10 or something (I had a greater attention span then) I have been in a room numerous times while it was playing.  Amazingly I can’t make any connections between Jack and this film, even though come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind murdering him (not by stabbing though) and keeping him in my living room until he decomposes. 

Film 6: Fantastic Four.  This is a light-hearted superhero blockbuster, which was hyped us, the gays, for Chris Evans’ amazing masculine hairy-chested body and to the straights for Jessica Alba’s…I don’t know, whatever it is that straight people like.  I watch this film until Chris Evans appears shitless with a towel wrapped around his waist and then turn over. 

Film 7: As Good As It Gets.  This is a film starring Jack Nicholson as a hugely unlikable loner with severe obsessive compulsive disorder and Helen Hunt as a troubled yet good-natured waitress with a son that spits blood.  Well maybe blood, I’m not sure, he spat in a bucket, I couldn’t see.  After 5 minutes this film becomes excruciatingly boring but thankfully in almost bedtime and I turn the TV off. 

I go to bed and it is now the 5th night in a row that I have to take a Valium or sleeping tablet to fall asleep, but it is also the 4th day that I haven’t hard any chocolate / sugar / sweets, so maybe there is a connection there I’m not sure. 

On Wednesday I’m chatting to Mean and asking him what big and expensive gifts he is getting me for my birthday and Mean says that he’s spending £5 max, and I say that with £5 he can easily get a DVD of the film Renaissance Man with Mark Wahlberg when he was hot (as seen on my Amazon wishlist), or a pair of clueless straight-boy pants from M&S like I like to wear now, or a copy of the Men’s Health special issue which is out now with workouts only, or 4 chicken breasts, or 7.5 minutes of personal training with Jack, the possibilities are endless.


S said...

Jack is cheap. It's a good thing you are getting in while his prices are low. If he is as good as you say, his rates will be going up.

Pale is the way to go. I like your look. The only think that would make you sexier is some hair on the chest... I will make an exception for your smooth chest and keep you on the list.

London Preppy said...

s: You're right, I think he's relatively new to the gym that's why he's working at this price band (£40/hour). I do expect him to charge more later.

I wouldn't mind some hairs on my chest if they grew in a decent pattern of course!

semistraight said...

Hmm...I fail to see the connection between being a 10/10 and being a good PT. Who knows, he could be doing a horrible job? ...but we will find out soon anyway, I guess ;). I wonder if so far he has proved to be intellectually up to par with his looks? (Assuming that Scott immediately passes you new info gathered from those gym chats ;))

Oh and £5 is indeed quite a lot ;), we had more stringent limits on the Christmas presents exchanged in my circle of friends (£2). All I got was a crappy knit cap (at least last year, they managed to dig out some tiny calendar with naked chicks).

Oh and pale, of course. Think of all that sun damaged skin!

London Preppy said...

semistraight: Well the thing is, every time I see him working out, he does exercises that are very unusual and (after copying them and trying them) very effective. So I think he will definitely show me a thing or two that I don't know

Trybaby said...

Do you still use your myspace or have you moved on to the magical land of facebook? Facebook is way more user friendly and you don't have to deal with peoples silly layouts except now they have all those horrendous applications only the most stupid people have. Except for the graffiti that one is fun and you can actually make nice pictures.

How old is Jack?

London Preppy said...

trybaby: No, I don't use myspace anymore. And after having 6,000 friends that I don't know I only add people I know on facebook. Well, people I know and Jack. Not sure how old Jack is. Between 23 and 26 I would think. If he's younger than that i will kill myself

UCTLand said...

First of all, Aussie PT --> Jack... We're making progress.

Second, any Whoopi Goldberg film is suspect as are any friends who recommend it.

Andre said...

With £5 you can get some cheap acid to dissolve Jack's body in the bathtub. Because let's face it, a rotten corpse in the living room will just ruin the feng shui of the whole apartment.

London Preppy said...

andre: Maybe I should stuff him and keep his body intact in a corner? Like the taxidermy bear in Mr Burns' office?

JoBurgBoy said...

I hope your fixation with "Jack" reaches a suitable conclusion, but for £40 an hour (that's nearly R600 out here in South Africa)I'd expect a bit of "extra service". Our trainers out here (generally fat n' flabby) charge R150 (£10) an hour but what can you expect when you eat too many pies! They all look a bit like Whoopi in lycra...

george said...

pale and no hair on your chest cos that would not be very preppy???........i want to stuff you and put you at the end of my bed. not sure how my bf will react but you do share the same

Ben said...

What a terrible collection of films you stumbled upon. Scott is quite wrong about the Sister Act films incidentally - a lot of people hate them. Bond films and cartoons about rats also fall firmly into the 'barge pole' category. As Good As It Gets is half decent, but probably still represents a challenge if you're not in the mood.

Do you have such a thing as a favourite film list, LP?

Andre said...

+100 points for the 'intellectual' reference. you made my day