So as we all know this weekend I’m going skiing for a week and I’ve never been skiing before and I don’t know what to expect, so on Tuesday Matty helpfully sends me a list of things that I may or may not need. Most likely may though.
And these things are:
Of which I have plenty, how do we think I went to Iceland.
2) Goggles & sunglasses for when you get confident
Sunglasses I have plenty of course but skiing goggles/mask I don’t, so on Tuesday lunchtime I go out to buy some and I go in Oakley and find a mask that costs £140 and I text Matty and I ask: “Is £140 for a skiing mask reasonable?” and Matty replies, “For a week? More like £20 I would think”. But I can’t bring myself to buy one for only £20 so I end up getting a £69.99 one and we’re all happy.
I presume he means a waterproof jacket so I’ll take my Polo Sport one that I also took to Iceland, which is white and will look fucking ace in a snowy background.
5) Long sleeved under tops, eg t-shirts, jumpers
Yes, we get it, dress in layers. Nothing Mummy hasn’t told me before.
6) Gloves – we’ve brought some from home for you if you fancy
Yes I do fancy, because I don’t have any skiing gloves and even though I did see some brilliant ones in Oakley again (white) they cost £60 and I would normally have gotten them, but right now I’m trying to save money for Australia so I didn’t.
7) Skiing trousers/salopets
I don’t know what salopets are, but I do have some skiing trousers which I bought two years ago from TK Maxx by mistake, thinking they were tracksuit bottoms and I haven’t been able to wear since because they’re fucking boiling.
8) Ski socks – at least 3 pairs
This is another thing that I’m missing and I’ll probably have to go and buy, because I asked Matty if I can substitute them with football socks and he said sorry no, that just won’t do.
So these are Matty’s eight recommendations of essential items, but I have my own shortlist and this shortlist is:
1) Shorts, vests, trainers for the gym – where I will spend most of my time when I realize I can’t be bothered with all the skiing malarkey
2) Swimming shorts for the pool – where I will also spend a lot of my time
3) My laptop so that I can write my views on skiing and life in general shut in my chalet room
4) Seven boiled eggs for a healthy bedtime snack, one for each night
Matty also points out that I will have to take skiing lessons and I will probably have to do that with people I don’t know, because him and Nicole are already pretty good, so am I ready to make friends?
And I reply that no, of course I’m not ready to make friends unless they are muscly strangers from Sydney, but I don’t expect this is a demographic I will come across very often on the French Alps.
Finally, I don’t know about skiing, socialising and all that, but my plan for this holiday is to spend considerable time in the chalet on my own, looking out the window, pretending that I’m an anguished tuberculosis patient trapped in an excusive sanatorium in Switzerland in 1917 with only my memories to keep me from losing my sanity. Like a tortured Sylvia Plath character, a resentful anti-hero with a grudge against the world, a former lover, a fallen soldier clutching my sole war medal in a bleeding fist.
And for this activity ideally I will be wearing basic cottony comfortable clothes in earthy tones, for example soft brown trousers held up with a primitive belt – perhaps just a rope tied around my waist – a very worn white cotton shirt with missing buttons and a warm lambs wool sweater with moth bites.
I don’t own any of these items, so perhaps this is what I should be doing on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday lunchtime.