On Monday I discuss with a friend who will remain anonymous the levels of attractiveness I can identify in people and these levels of attractiveness fall in the following very specific categories:
Level 1: No interest whatsoever
Level 2: I would let them suck my cock
Level 3: I would make out with them and let them suck my cock
Level 4: I would fuck them
Level 5: I would date them and be happy for my friends to see me with them
Level 6: I would have them as my boyfriend
Level 7: I would introduce them to Daddy, as they are so attractive that their gender can be overlooked
After work I meet Scott and we go to the gym, which is slightly annoying, because how am I supposed to flirt with people there if I’ve got my boyfriend hanging on my arm? With great difficulty, that’s how. In any case, there are two people worth noting there and these people are: Hairy Guy (whose sexiness is only surpassed by his underlying campness) and some Incredibly Massive Guy With Hoochie Girlfriend (whose giganticness is only surpassed by his masculinity).
Here’s what happens with Hairy Guy.
Part A (in the gym): I look at Hairy Guy. Hairy Guy looks straight ahead, or sometimes past me. I don’t take either as a “come-on” sign. I point out Hairy Guy to Scott, Scott isn’t that impressed. Hairy Guy is doing chest and triceps. I ask Scott what Hairy Guy wants from me, we agree he wants nothing. We discuss what type of gay Hairy Guy is, we conclude he’s a big Trade bottom.
Part B (in the changing rooms): I’m getting changed. Hairy Guy walks from the shower to the sauna. I decide I could benefit from a short sauna session myself. I walk in, there only available space is 2 people away from Hairy Guy. I sit there and glance at Hairy Guy in a very discreet sideways manner a couple of times. Hairy Guy is in his world. I exit the sauna.
At this point I think it’s time we gave up on Hairy Guy, I mean I went in the sauna and he still blanked me. Me. In the sauna. In a towel. Come on!
Here’s what happens with Incredibly Massive Guy With Hoochie Girlfriend.
Part A (in the gym): Massive Guy is making his first appearance in our gym. He is about 6ft1 and has shaved blonde hair. He is wearing an obscene, small rugby outfit complete with short shorts. Massive Guy is hand down the biggest person I have seen in real life – he is as wide as I am tall. Massive Guy is accompanied by custom-made, fake blonde, fake tanned, six-packed hoochie mama girlfriend, but I can’t really hate them; they have found each other and they’re happy. Because Massive Guy has supernatural, Hulk-sized muscles Scott instantly goes weak in the knees. I suggest to Scott that we should focus on Hairy Guy instead, who’s more attainable at least being a gay and all.
Part B (in the changing rooms): Massive Guy finishes his workout and goes in to get changed, Scott remembers that he needs to take a walk inside the changing rooms. Scott comes out flustered and in love.
Everyone goes home, where:
- Massive Guy and Girlfriend get naked, shave every hair off each other’s body (fact), inject steroids into each other’s eyeballs
- Scott has his dinner and watches an episode of Star Trek, permanently unaffected by the day’s events and seminally short of memory
- Hairy Guy adopts favourite position on top of a bottle of Voss water (800ml), fantasises about Bigfoot and King Kong taking turns to rape him
- London Preppy is a killer he’s a flashboy, he is a killer he’s a flashboy, this is the killing of a flashboy
Finally, here’s a picture of Scott expressing his love towards Bret Easton Ellis.