Tuesday, 15 January 2008

Tuesday 15/01/08

On Monday I discuss with a friend who will remain anonymous the levels of attractiveness I can identify in people and these levels of attractiveness fall in the following very specific categories: 

Level 1: No interest whatsoever

Level 2: I would let them suck my cock

Level 3: I would make out with them and let them suck my cock

Level 4: I would fuck them

Level 5: I would date them and be happy for my friends to see me with them

Level 6: I would have them as my boyfriend

Level 7: I would introduce them to Daddy, as they are so attractive that their gender can be overlooked 

After work I meet Scott and we go to the gym, which is slightly annoying, because how am I supposed to flirt with people there if I’ve got my boyfriend hanging on my arm?  With great difficulty, that’s how.  In any case, there are two people worth noting there and these people are: Hairy Guy (whose sexiness is only surpassed by his underlying campness) and some Incredibly Massive Guy With Hoochie Girlfriend (whose giganticness is only surpassed by his masculinity). 

Here’s what happens with Hairy Guy. 

Part A (in the gym): I look at Hairy Guy.  Hairy Guy looks straight ahead, or sometimes past me.  I don’t take either as a “come-on” sign.  I point out Hairy Guy to Scott, Scott isn’t that impressed.  Hairy Guy is doing chest and triceps.  I ask Scott what Hairy Guy wants from me, we agree he wants nothing.  We discuss what type of gay Hairy Guy is, we conclude he’s a big Trade bottom. 

Part B (in the changing rooms): I’m getting changed.  Hairy Guy walks from the shower to the sauna.  I decide I could benefit from a short sauna session myself.  I walk in, there only available space is 2 people away from Hairy Guy.  I sit there and glance at Hairy Guy in a very discreet sideways manner a couple of times.  Hairy Guy is in his world.  I exit the sauna.

At this point I think it’s time we gave up on Hairy Guy, I mean I went in the sauna and he still blanked me.  Me.  In the sauna.  In a towel.  Come on!

Here’s what happens with Incredibly Massive Guy With Hoochie Girlfriend. 

Part A (in the gym): Massive Guy is making his first appearance in our gym.  He is about 6ft1 and has shaved blonde hair.  He is wearing an obscene, small rugby outfit complete with short shorts.  Massive Guy is hand down the biggest person I have seen in real life – he is as wide as I am tall.  Massive Guy is accompanied by custom-made, fake blonde, fake tanned, six-packed hoochie mama girlfriend, but I can’t really hate them; they have found each other and they’re happy.  Because Massive Guy has supernatural, Hulk-sized muscles Scott instantly goes weak in the knees.  I suggest to Scott that we should focus on Hairy Guy instead, who’s more attainable at least being a gay and all. 

Part B (in the changing rooms):  Massive Guy finishes his workout and goes in to get changed, Scott remembers that he needs to take a walk inside the changing rooms.  Scott comes out flustered and in love. 

Everyone goes home, where: 

-      Massive Guy and Girlfriend get naked, shave every hair off each other’s body (fact), inject steroids into each other’s eyeballs 

-      Scott has his dinner and watches an episode of Star Trek, permanently unaffected by the day’s events and seminally short of memory 

-     Hairy Guy adopts favourite position on top of a bottle of Voss water (800ml), fantasises about Bigfoot and King Kong taking turns to rape him

-     London Preppy is a killer he’s a flashboy, he is a killer he’s a flashboy, this is the killing of a flashboy

Finally, here’s a picture of Scott expressing his love towards Bret Easton Ellis.


Superdrewby said...

Thats a very cute picture :)

but it would be better if scott was tied to your arm in some sort of S&M scenario really!

London Preppy said...

superdrewby: You can't see it in the picture but he's tied up to my ankle (and the radiator)

Superdrewby said...

hmmmmm - now they are the pictures we need to see. What is he toed with?

Gaffer Tape?
A Tie?
Cable Ties?

Gym clothes?

London Preppy said...

superdrewby: f) All the above?

Andre said...

What about Level 8, those guys who are too hot/great/intelligent/amazing to date and you can just look at them from far away?

Jamie111111 said...

You should have the mirror image of 'Bret Easton Ellis' done on the other arm. It's important to look symmetrical.
In the picture it is actually the mirror image....so have you already had it done?

Jamie111111 said...

You should have the mirror image of 'Bret Easton Ellis' done on the other arm. It's important to look symmetrical.
In the picture it is actually the mirror image....so have you already had it done?

Neil said...

I love you more and more each day. But I live in NY so no fear of being stalked.

Jon C said...

I agree - great picture. His happiness really comes through.

Too bad he's a Level 2.

W. Maximus the First said...

he kinda looks like hes smelling you hah

Auctor Ignotus said...

Since you've introduced a paradigm, please be so kind as to provide numerical attractiveness ratings of:

1. Massive guy
2. Hairy guy
3. b. friend

Trybaby said...

Interesting, according to your scale a lot of guys have a chance to suck your cock. You hear that boys we all have a chance to spend a night in London.

London Preppy said...

andre: True, let's call those Level 10 though, make them sound even better

jamie: No, haven't had it done already - don't know why it came out like that in the picture, it was taken on the laptop camera

neil: Thank you :-) I wouldn't worry though even if you lived here, everyone loves a good stalker

jon: Is he? But he's been Level 6 for 2+ years now

w.maximus: Forced to smell me rather

auctor: Well I couldn't possibly embarrass people in such a way and rate them individually. Oh wait, I could. Massive guy is unrateable. He's just a curiosity, but I can't think of anything sexual about him. Hairy Guy between Levels 4 and 5. Boyfriend Level 6 of course

London Preppy said...

trybaby: Again, it doesn't mean that there is an equal number of people in each category. 96% of the population probably falls in Level 1. Then fewer as we go up and I really haven't met anyone at Level 7 yet (in real life)

Trybaby said...

Wow 96% that's quite a lot of ugly people. Ahhh I get it, it's not like a scale but more like rankings.

mediocrityrules said...

Kairo eixa na petuxo blog tou opoiou ta archives na diavaso me tosi prosilosi, euge!

imdanyl said...

I like that you have Levels of interest. I use a Type system - Type A for those guys who only I would find attractive, Type B for those guys we both find attractive (that sounds like I only have one other friend but it is applicable to multiple situations), Type N for neither of us, etc.

You and Scott are both so attractive it hurts to look.

London Preppy said...

mediocrity: Efxaristo poly file :-)

imdanyl: I honestly don't think a comment like that about Scott and me is justified but thanks a lot!