Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Tuesday 08/01/08

On Sunday during my birthday party I’m tidying up around people, which includes picking pieces of chocolate cake off the carpet, scraping silly string off the carpet, scraping silly string off the kitchen cupboards, pulling silly string out of my hair. Then most of the guests leave and only Scott and Matty and Mean and Nicole are there, so I get the hoover out and clean around them and I think that’s the final sign that everyone needs to leave, which they do.

On Monday there is a bit more birthday to be had, because we do this thing at work where everyone gets a birthday cake with candles and a card. Sadly this isn’t very good timing for me as I eliminated chocolates / sweets / empty carbs from my diet on the 29th of December, so I can’t even have my birthday cake. Regardless, I soldier on and blow my candles and offer cake to everyone and then sit at my desk with my piece, which I proceed to chew and then spit out in a napkin I am conveniently hiding next to my PC.

Then somebody from the office asks me if I had any of my cake and I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to tell the truth either and I say “in a certain way”, which he takes as a yes and then he says, that chocolate resolution didn’t last very long, and that pisses me off because I may have no other graces but at least I have a strong will and I’m not a fat girl who succumbs to chocolate at the drop of a hat, so I say, actually no I didn’t have any of the cake, and then he says, isn’t that a bit rude, not eating your birthday cake and that’s when I give up, because I have better things to do than argue with bored colleagues.

Later in the day I share a lift with the same colleague and he says to me, so what is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore and I say, nothing, no vices and he says, nothing that you can tell me anyway, so I laugh politely. And as always I think of the best comeback when the moment is gone, but if I could turn back time I’d go back in that lift and handle the conversation this way:

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?
Me: Homicide

Or

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?
Me: Mass murder

Or

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?
Me: Cannibalism

But it’s OK, I’m keeping these responses in mind and will use them at the next opportunity.

On Monday after work I go to the gym and for the first time in about a week I don’t down a Red Bull beforehand. This is an experiment because as I mentioned I haven’t managed to sleep at all lately, and I just made the connection between Red Bull consumption and insomnia. On Monday night, having not had one, I manage to fall asleep quite easily. I guess this is what happens when you haven’t had caffeine for 28 years and then suddenly you start having 80mg of it in the early evening.

In any case, it is now Tuesday afternoon and I’ve just had a Red Bull again, because I want to experiment a bit more before I give up on it, so this week I will be trying to come up with a fine balance between caffeine overload / gym motivation / insomnia / self-medicating sleeping pills and Valium / wearing myself down / pumping myself up.

Finally, now that the Jack story is over I must find a new project (also know as obsession) and I would very much like this new project to be the Hairy Guy from my usual gym, but sadly when I went there on Monday he was on his way out again – he trains at least an hour before I do. And it’s difficult to stalk / creep out / obsess over somebody if you don’t co-exist in the same space for longer than 6 seconds. Even I can’t do that. So please, if you’re reading this Hairy Guy and would like to give some meaning to my sad existence start going to the gym at 1750 onwards. Thank you.

12 comments:

Bolt Upright said...

Another good comeback:

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?
Me: Coprophagia

And then slip him the website address for 2 girls 1 cup. He may be perplexed at the moment, but it promises to be loads of fun next time you see him.

DAMO said...

I was under the impression that the Red Bull thingy was part of your emulating and getting Jack project?

Oh here is my contribution to the comeback collection...

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?
Me: Wasting Oxygen stood in lifts with losers like you! And then stalking you after work.


Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?
Me: Islamic extremism, should pass the time

and finally:

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?
Me: Well I'm really not sure, but I can say that it aint talking in lifts to losers like you...goodbye (panic when the lift door fails to open quick enough)

brenton said...

Happy birthday gorgeous!
All the best from down under. YOu have way more discipline than me!

London Preppy said...

bolt: Eek, I am NOT saying that!

damo: Red Bull was actually a good idea cause it gives you energy in the gym but also keeps me up all night

brenton: thank you :-)

Bobby Vanquish said...

So I have to weigh in with my lame 20p.
On this occasion I wouldn't recommend a silence. Stupid questions should not get answers.

Let's rehearse / role-play:

Colleague:
"So what's your vice not that... etc chocolate?"

You (looking confused)
"My what sorry?"

Colleague (realising that he's just asked the most inane trying-to-be-chummy question)
"Haha - so what do you eat now that you don't have a vice for er, chocolate um. Y'know... do you avoid like bad. Er.."

You (confused)
"I really don't know what you're trying to ask."

Colleague (embarrassed)
"Sorry don't worry. I was just. Yep."

Cue VERY long uncomfortable silence in which he will probably flex his neck and cough.

And it will mean he will never ask you anything stupid ever again. Learn this routine and tell me if it's successful.

kim said...

I know we're not talking about Jack any more, but we need closure on what's happening on his Facebook page ... to this end, someone (anyone I guess) needs to pose as a new PT in the London area who wants to meet other PTs, for whatever reason ... I'm guessing if you say you're Australian it'll help (play on his patriotism) ... get a look on his page, grab as many pics as you can and share; he's already posted them online, so they're in the public domain, right?

It'll be a great ending to this saga, and as I said, those of us not involved in the texting need closure!

Rambunctious WhipperSnapper said...

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?

You: [Three alternate answers]
a) I see dead people
b) People tend to think I'm straight .... er .... very straight
c) I tend to think that stupid questions like this one deserve a well-suited, humorous, sarcastic, ball-busting reply which shall be provided to you in our next outing or posted on my blog, whichever is sooner.

bob said...

I'm a hairy guy. You can come stalk me. :)

Timmy said...

On your 18/10/07 post (http://londonpreppy.blogspot.com/2007/10/thursday-181007.html) you have pictures of your desk. I am trying to figure out where you hid the napkin and did that mess up the feng shui for your desk?

Auctor said...

Colleague: What is your vice now that you don’t eat chocolate anymore?

Me: Getting over this bird flu thing I've contracted.

Trybaby said...

I like the sound of Genocide better. Has a certain ring to it.

Tim in Italy said...

I tend to be much more direct in my encounters with rude people. I think the proper response would have been, "Bugger off."

Ah, but this was a co-worker, which in some ways makes the rudeness even worse. But allowances must always be made for people who spend more time prying than doing their jobs, so in this case we would say, "Bugger off. Cunt."

Yes. I think that covers it.