On Wednesday I go to the gym and I chat to the guy who works there and knows all the gossip (Gossip Guy) and we discuss Threesome Guy and Hairy Guy. And about Threesome Guy he tells me that he has a boyfriend but that doesn’t mean anything and also that he used to have an amazing body, but he’s not too sure how it’s looking these days because he hasn’t happened to see him in the changing rooms for a while and I say that it’s looking alright but nothing that will give me an eating disorder or drive me to Sustinol. And about Hairy Guy he tells me that he thinks he’s very shy, and I say that he’s not very shy, he just has an attitude problem and Gossip Guy says that maybe he’s in a relationship and I say that we’re all in a relationship, but it doesn’t hurt to look. So in conclusion Gossip Guy’s verdict is that Threesome Guy is attached but available and Hairy Guy is a retiring little flower.
Anyway, continuing in the theme of hijacking other people’s lives to forget our own, we all know and love Jack, the personal trainer that I recently had a very quick love affair with – in my head. If you missed that story, you can read about it here and here.
So you may remember that about three weeks ago, after I found out his name, I looked him up on facebook and found his profile, which was, like everyone else’s, private. All I could see was the tiny picture of him oiled up training in the gym, which actually changed about a week ago to a tiny picture of him oiled up training in the gym – from a different angle.
Naturally, once I found his profile I sent him a friend request in order to find out more about him and look at his pictures, but for the last three weeks he has ignored it, neither accepting it (so that I don’t get access to his profile) nor rejecting it (so that I don’t keep sending it and bothering him). Instead, it’s still pending, somewhere out there in cyberspace, a small, desperate plea of love from a troubled young man to another.
After our disastrous training session and his fall from grace (once again in my head – I’m sure he hasn’t fallen from grace anywhere else) I have no interest in him, but damn it if I want to see somebody’s facebook I must find a way to do so, especially after I’ve paid them £40 for an hour’s worth of nothing.
So on Wednesday I am told by a girl at work that you can see people’s facebook profiles for a week, even if they are private, when you send them a message and they reply. Obviously, I’m drafting the message in my head before she even finishes her sentence and as soon as possible I log on and send him this:
I've lost my phone (and your number with it). Could you let me know what your number is again - I wanted to get in touch for our next training session.
Of course I have no intention whatsoever to have another training session with him and no I haven’t lost my phone, but I expect this will guarantee a reply, as (like a reader pointed out here recently), I’m just a full wallet to him and he’s not going to turn down my money no matter how ridiculous he thinks I am. Needless to say, after a few hours, this gets the desirable response that three weeks of friend requests and innumerous pokes didn’t achieve. Jack writes back:
my number is ___, feel free to send me a txt or message with regaurds to organising your next session.. would like to give you a descent shoulders and back session. Let me know when you would be interested in coming down?
I have left typos and spelling mistakes in (“descent” my arse), but what I didn’t leave in was the way he misspelt my name. Sadly I can’t show that, but my name has four letters all in all, but he managed to get those wrong, even after I had signed my message with it. And when people misspell my name it kinda infuriates me.
Anyway, I have what I want now, which is access to his profile, so why don’t we have a look at some highlights together?
I can now see (and save) all the profile pictures that Jack has used in the past and these include: Jack oiled up and shirtless in the gym where he works now training his chest / Jack oiled up and shirtless in the gym where he works now training his back / Jack oiled up and shirtless in a gym that I don’t recognize (possibly one in Australia) training his shoulders / Jack wet and shirtless in front of a lake with his arms behind his head showing us his armpits and sticking his tongue out in one swift move / headless side view of Jack’s naked torso in black and white flexing all his muscles.
So far, so similar to me to be honest. I mean look at all the pictures that are surrounding this blog – am I wearing my shirt anywhere? No. And I’d like to take the highground and say that I’m a lot smarter because at least I have a career that doesn’t revolve around my body, or that I’m more humbled because I nearly died two years ago, but who knows, maybe Jack is a best-selling novelist back in his country and also a cancer survivor, so who are we to judge?
No wait, we will judge. Let’s see what Jack has under his interests. Once again, I will just transfer things without editing. I might make comments though because I’m a cunt.
“sculpting the guns, eating, sleeping.....any sport, especially if there's contact, graphic design and art, depending on energy levels going out or chilling out”
(Yes. Sculpting the guns. Apart from that, his favourite activities are what some other people might call “living”. For example eating, sleeping. I’m surprised he didn’t put shitting in there too)
“training (all aspects), Shopping, Cars, Traveling, sport and people watching”
(Somebody even more bitter than me – is there such a person? – might feel inclined to comment that the only people-watching he does is in the mirror. But I won’t)
“Play it to me. Chances are I'll like it”
(= I have no interest in music whatsoever)
Favorite TV shows:
“Hero's..., well probably alot more if I could get home to watch them”
(He seems to have a problem with plurals. Or should I say plural’s?)
“300 at the moment..., brings out the spartan in me! and could do the same for you!!”
(Just another sign that there are so many more things in Jack’s life than body obsession. I can’t find them right now, and neither can he, but there are)
“its not about the bike. Lance Armstrong..., generaly somethig with more pictures than words”
(Thank you God. Could I have made this up better myself? I think not. Let’s hear this again: “generaly somethig with more pictures than words”. Wait, once more: “generaly somethig with more pictures than words”. See, I’m always so miserable and depressive, but sometimes life just throws you a good hand and everything seems so much better).
“'what you get by acheiving your goals is not as important as what you become by acheiving your goals'. (ghandi)”
(“Ghandi”: One of life’s great “acheivers”. Got that people? Quoting Gandhi. From a picture book presumably)
“Kick Peoples ass's in and out the gym, and occasionally help the out”
So there we have it. That’s Jack for you.
I do have to point out that I don’t even know why I’m so bitter and nasty about him. He’s just a self-obsessed straight guy who turned me down. I’m just a self-obsessed gay guy who would like to look like that. But I have to write something on here, and at least I hope this was funny. Good bite.