On Wednesday I’m in the office and the colleague who kept asking me about my vices and my chocolate consumption and my diet earlier in the week hasn’t had enough and is back for more. So on his way back from the printer he stops at my desk and he asks me about my birthday cake again – his range is quite limited – and at first I try to avoid answering again, but he insists so in the end I tell him.
So I say that yes, the cake went in my mouth but it came back out again (actual quote). This is with an audience of about 6 people listening in around us, but I don’t care anymore, maybe the more odd I come across the higher the chance that I will be left alone. Then the colleague calls me a weirdo and walks away, which I perceive to be a personal success.
On Thursday after work I don’t go to the gym, because six out of seven week days of weight lifting are enough, plus Scott has got us tickets for a show as a birthday present. Sadly this show is Avenue Q which I saw last year, but I don’t expect Scott to pay any attention or remember anything I tell him.
On Friday I go to work, where I’m asked about the same person about my diet again, but before we go on to hate him we have to consider that a) this person is in his late 30s, has a wife and a baby and b) he’s originally from up North, so somebody like me, a painfully London-centric 21st century spew-out with no responsibilities or hopes apart from to maintain defined abdominal muscles, is completely novel to him; and a major source of entertainment during the day of course, until he has to go back home and spend the night cleaning baby sick from his shoulder and making unsuccessful passes to his bored wife for a quick leg-over.
After work I meet Scott and Donnell at the gym and the new guy that I decided I liked earlier in the week is there – the one we called the Threesome Guy. So I try to create some eye contact with him, but this isn’t happening and right about that time I realize what my problem is these days. I feel unwanted.
So I have been in a relationship for 2 – 2 ½ years now and of course I haven’t been looking around to meet guys and I haven’t even been making myself available. And in the last few months I have become almost isolated as well, not going out to bars, clubs, anything. So I kinda feel like nobody fancies me anymore, nobody has a sexual interest in me. And I know it’s very shallow, but at the same time it’s human nature and everyone wants to feel attractive. And the signs I’ve been getting lately from random guys aren’t that hopeful either (this new guy in the gym, Hairy Guy from the gym, Jack – who ok, is very straight bloke, but still, in an ideal world he SHOULD want me).
So I think I need to do something about this. Maybe go out a bit more and see if I still have any appeal at all, or I can just resign to the fact that I’ve lost it, because I’m sure that at some point in the last few years I had it.
Oh and this is definitely not a plea for blog readers to message or comment and say that I’m ace and I look great etc – I mean I appreciate that people will want to be nice and make me feel better, but what I need is some real life reassurance, from people I find attractive too.
So maybe I’ll go out there and see what happens. I don’t want much, maybe just some fit guy to suck my cock or something. Yes, that might do. Downward spiral to self-destruction resumes here.