Saturday, 12 January 2008

Saturday 12/01/08

On Wednesday I’m in the office and the colleague who kept asking me about my vices and my chocolate consumption and my diet earlier in the week hasn’t had enough and is back for more.  So on his way back from the printer he stops at my desk and he asks me about my birthday cake again – his range is quite limited – and at first I try to avoid answering again, but he insists so in the end I tell him. 

So I say that yes, the cake went in my mouth but it came back out again (actual quote).  This is with an audience of about 6 people listening in around us, but I don’t care anymore, maybe the more odd I come across the higher the chance that I will be left alone.  Then the colleague calls me a weirdo and walks away, which I perceive to be a personal success. 

On Thursday after work I don’t go to the gym, because six out of seven week days of weight lifting are enough, plus Scott has got us tickets for a show as a birthday present.  Sadly this show is Avenue Q which I saw last year, but I don’t expect Scott to pay any attention or remember anything I tell him.

On Friday I go to work, where I’m asked about the same person about my diet again, but before we go on to hate him we have to consider that a) this person is in his late 30s, has a wife and a baby and b) he’s originally from up North, so somebody like me, a painfully London-centric 21st century spew-out with no responsibilities or hopes apart from to maintain defined abdominal muscles, is completely novel to him; and a major source of entertainment during the day of course, until he has to go back home and spend the night cleaning baby sick from his shoulder and making unsuccessful passes to his bored wife for a quick leg-over.

After work I meet Scott and Donnell at the gym and the new guy that I decided I liked earlier in the week is there – the one we called the Threesome Guy.  So I try to create some eye contact with him, but this isn’t happening and right about that time I realize what my problem is these days.  I feel unwanted.

So I have been in a relationship for 2 – 2 ½  years now and of course I haven’t been looking around to meet guys and I haven’t even been making myself available.  And in the last few months I have become almost isolated as well, not going out to bars, clubs, anything.  So I kinda feel like nobody fancies me anymore, nobody has a sexual interest in me.  And I know it’s very shallow, but at the same time it’s human nature and everyone wants to feel attractive.  And the signs I’ve been getting lately from random guys aren’t that hopeful either (this new guy in the gym, Hairy Guy from the gym, Jack – who ok, is very straight bloke, but still, in an ideal world he SHOULD want me). 

So I think I need to do something about this.  Maybe go out a bit more and see if I still have any appeal at all, or I can just resign to the fact that I’ve lost it, because I’m sure that at some point in the last few years I had it.

Oh and this is definitely not a plea for blog readers to message or comment and say that I’m ace and I look great etc – I mean I appreciate that people will want to be nice and make me feel better, but what I need is some real life reassurance, from people I find attractive too.

So maybe I’ll go out there and see what happens.  I don’t want much, maybe just some fit guy to suck my cock or something.  Yes, that might do.  Downward spiral to self-destruction resumes here.

25 comments:

Foxx said...

Lp hope you don't feel like that too long - I think you should get yourself out and start clicking your fingers, I'm sure the boys will follow, it'll make you feel better.........and by the was you do look great! Foxx

Alistair_London said...

Hey LP, looking forward to seeing you out and about again soon. x

London Preppy said...

foxx: thank you. we'll see eh!

alistair: cool - and we'll chat longer next time I see you

semistraight said...

Is it really just the feeling of being wanted, that you're looking for? All of my life so far, I've been longing for someone who "gets me". There have been a couple of people that wanted me...but I could never engage in a relationship with them. I always figured that settling for someone you can't really connect with intellectually will inevitably end in disaster (and I did have some disaster happen, after all).
But then again, maybe I'm deluding myself and waiting for that "special" relationship is nonsense anyway?

London Preppy said...

semistraight: Well what I want changes through time. I've had people who get me an people who want me etc. This is a current state which has probably occurred after being in a long-term monogamous relationship, combined with a hermit-like lifestyle

CSS said...

so what your basically saying is your off out slagging it around on the scene

London Preppy said...

css: Yes, with dignity of course. No wait, without

Frontier Psychiatrist said...

I think you need to give this guy from your office a name.

London Preppy said...

frontier: I'd rather never mention him again actually!

chabang said...

you should put out more at work - spark up some sort of office romance that would ultimately lead to sexual tension and an exciting frisson in the air.

Take some tips from the girls in your office; wear somthing with a plunging neckline and a pair of red heels. Treat the arrival of every delivery boy / repairman / bloke from the northern office as an excuse to drop your pencil and flirt shamlessly. Familiarise yourself with the location of the stationary cupboard in preparation....

London Preppy said...

chabang: It's funny you should say that because there's a new gay guy in the office and I'm very willing to put myself out there for thrills and excitement even though we're not interested in each other. But sure, some office sexual tension would help the day go quicker

Trybaby said...

Do it do it do it. I approve!!!! Disregard people who say that there will be sexual harassment suits@@!!!

chabang said...

you could try the different flirting techniques and office cliches to build up a mountain of statistical data that you could then report back to us all with - consider it the new "itunes playlist" for 2008

Trevor said...

Perhaps you just need to find out who you need to know to get yourself Knighted. Wouldn't Sir London Preppy sound great?! EVERYONE would want you. And to think of how many more groupies you'd have starting up their own fan sites!
From stalker to stalkee with one additional title...

London Preppy said...

trevor: MY family history book (as mentioned here http://londonpreppy.blogspot.com/2007/11/friday-021107.html) actually says that my ancestor who was awarded the coat of arms was knighted. My Greek surname has evidence of the title Sir in it (I can't elaborate about this obviously). But awarded knighthood is not hereditary of course, so yes I will have to earn my own one again!

Mike said...

Downward spiral to self destruction started a LONG time ago!!!

London Preppy said...

mike: You're right. I'll change that to "resumes here"

FitnessNerd said...

I've been reading you for a while LP, and it just seems to me that the root of some of your malaise is that you just don't seem all that happy with Scott. I certainly realize that you really only talk about him when you're annoyed for some reason. It just seems that he is so incredibly different from you, and you are not getting the mental and emotional stimulation that you need beyond what I am sure is fantastic sex.

Not knowing the whole story, I just want to give my impression of the situation. I may be way off, but just because a relationship is stable and monogamous, doesn't necessarily mean it needs to continue unchanged.

Gabriel said...

the universal pretty boy syndrome suffrage - when you are fit, boys rule you out as unattainable since you are probably attached or too good for them. hence the lack of interest, pick ups, indecent propositions etc.

Andre said...

Awwww, I always love comebacks in the gay scene. They are even more self destructive than the comeback of an aged pop icon from the 80s.

And this comes from my personal experience ;)

Stephen said...

do you not feel wanted by Scott? Or is it the thrill of the chase you miss?

London Preppy said...

fitnessnerd: I see what you're saying. The reason why I don't really talk about Scott though (apart from to moan or joke) is the same reason why I don't talk about work or my sex life in general, etc. I just think some things are more private

gabriel: That's an incredibly favourable assumption (to me!). I could never bring myself to believe it, but thanks :-)

andre: Well it's not a full blown comeback, but we'll see

stephen: The chase I think

george said...

doesn't scott count as a fit guy? ...or doesn't he do oral?.....george

London Preppy said...

george: Your answers in order: a) yes and b) I have never talked about my sex life on here and I'm not about to!

Wayne Cronin said...

LP it just sounds like you have lost your mojo for a bit. It happens everyone, like a rollercoaster, and you will fall out of it soon enough.