Saturday, 5 January 2008

Saturday 05/01/08

On Friday night I go out with Matty and Nicole and Elliott and others for Niles’ birthday, but I don’t stay very long, I’m at home by 2230 and in bed by 0030 because I’m stressing about my first personal training session with Jack and I want to get a god night’s rest before.  Then of course I wake up at 0500 and stay up until 0800 stressing a bit more.  Then I must fall asleep again because it’s suddenly 0900 and I have to get up. 

So at 1045 I make my way to the gym where Jack works ready for the workout, or actually not so ready, with about 5 hours of interrupted sleep.  And at the first personal training session with Jack the following things happen. 

Jack turns up 5 minutes late and he offers his hand to me and repeats my name a lot and shouts in an overenthusiastic personal trainer way.  I tell him that I’m quite nervous because I don’t know what to expect.  I tell him that because it’s true, but also because I want to start establishing a chilled out, friendly atmosphere where  we can go through the work but also joke about things.  He sort of ignores what I say and goes into auto-pilot giving me the script of what we’re going to do and asking me what my goals and motivations are.  This is the first sign that my plan to befriend him is off-track. 

We sit down and for 40 minutes we go through my current workout and he makes suggestions about what I should change around/improve.  During this conversation I continue with my original plan but he is having none of it.   My usual manner of being mildly sarcastic, taking the piss out of myself and him (humorously of course, not offensively), being self-deprecating and overly confident at the same time goes completely over his head. 

I’m not just firing jokes at him obviously, I do discuss the workout mainly, but when I do joke about something, he just doesn’t get it.  I use my best material (for example when we talk about diet I mention eating toilet paper and he looks blankly back at me) but there’s no connection.  At one point I actually have to say “I’m joking by the way” after I say something, at which point he gives a short fake laugh. 

Worst of all, when I go ask questions about him (“how old are you”, “do you drink alcohol”, “where are you from”, “how long have you been in the UK”), he answers cordially, but he never ever asks me anything back.  Not once.  Of course we may have different motivations for being there (he thinks I’m another client – I think I’m on a date), but I like to think that even I, seminally unsociable, know the rules of polite conversation whereby you ask the other person questions back even of you’re not really interested. 

Hilariously, he has no sense of humility and through the chat when he talks about different exercises or eating habits or whatever, he starts his sentence with “Even I…” at least four times.  For example, “even I need to work on my triceps a bit more”.  You get it?  “Even him”.  What hope is there for the rest of us? 

Anyway, what we do learn through this chat is that Jack’s life revolves around going to the gym, and if I were to make any improvements I would need to do the same.  This rules of this lifestyle are: 

Primary rule: The focal point of every living day is my Workout.  Every activity before that needs to build up to my Workout and every activity after has to be a consquence of my Workout.  

Secondary rules: I must – fork out on at least 5 different supplements, measure all my meals on electronic scales, have 7 meals a day with specific ratios between nutrients, work out for 2 hours a day, pump myself with caffeine before the workout in order to get through it (at this point I made a joke – “shall I just inject it”, which he said “no that’s not necessary” to). 

I point out that I will somehow have to balance this with my full-time job, unless of course I quit and dedicate my life to going to the gym, this observation doesn’t seem too relevant to him. 

After wasting 45 minutes like that, we hit the weights for a quick 15 minute workout, which is very effective and hurts my back a lot (in a good way) but at the same time I realise I couldn’t do this every day, after 9 hours in the office and without having somebody directing my every move like he does.  And I don’t really have £40 to pay him every time I want to go to the gym. 

In conclusion: 

a)    I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m already doing the best that I can in terms of working out without having to make it a full time occupation and get more petty obsessions than I already have 

b)    I don’t want to admit this but should I really start questioning whether anyone can have a good balance between maintaining an impeccable appearance and not being conceited and shallow?  Is it possible to have as good a body as Jack and not think you’re shit hot? 

Anyway, after all this, I leave the gym and Matty sends me a text that says “so?” and I send one back that says “obnoxious, doesn’t get my jokes, obsessive, self-satisfied, humourless”.  Then I send the same text to Mean and they reply: 

Mean: Sad but wholly predictable.  Not nuanced enough to realise life has more meaning. 

Matty: Is that actually true or is that what you’re going to tell yourself and others to make it easier? 

And I reply to Matty: No seriously it’s true.  If he had been nice I wouldn’t need to “make it easier”.  I’d just continue being friendly and occasionally train with him. 

Finally, this is where you come in.  What do we do from now on?  These are the options as far as I can see. 

Option 1:  Give up the plan to befriend him or even like him as a person, but pay him £40 once a month to get workout tips (that’s as much as I want to spend really, no more). 

Advantages: I guess this might work as a training check up every few weeks. 

Disadvantages: What difference is one good workout once a month going to do, if I continue as I am for the rest of the time (which I will). 

Option 2: Forget the whole thing and not see / contact / mention Jack again. 

Advantages: We all go back to our normal lives with peace of mind. 

Disadvantages: Boring. 

Option 3: Go all out, take all chances and send him a text asking him out on a “date” (to finally assess if he’s gay, even though after an hour with him I am 95% confident that he’s not and even if he was he’s only like to have sex with himself). 

Advantages: Amazing fun, things to write on the blog, creating some drama in my pedestrian, boring life. 

Disadvantages: I can never step foot in that gym again or of course I could and I would die of embarrassment.  Also any further client/trainer interaction is destroyed. 

I have to say I am currently loving Option 3, because I can’t help myself and I have a permanent desire to press the self-destruct button my finger is hovering on and also I need excitement oh I need it bad (a bit like teenage kicks right through the night).  Thank you.

29 comments: said...

You're kidding, right? This guy, no matter how hot, is not worth investing another minute on. There must be ways for you to satisfy your need for excitement without sacrificing your dignity.

semistraight said...

Hmm...sounds like the usual disappointment that occurs once you get to know someone beautiful more closely :-/. A friend always scolds me for "majorly overestimating people".

Other than that, the whole situation sounded so painful, I hope that in no way you're gonna spend another penny on him.

But to keep things interesting, I suggest to find a friend who's morally decayed enough to fulfill option 3 for you. So we all find out and you can continue at the same gym (unless of course you thought about switching gyms anyway?).

Your button reminds me of Ren & Stimpy's History Eraser Button ;)

London Preppy said... This IS making sense... :-(

semistraight: What a great idea!!! Sounds like an activity for my birthday party tomorrow!

Andre said...

I guess he's not even worth it for Option 4 (Stuffed polar bear in Mr Burns' office)...

London Preppy said...

andre: I think not. He would just come back to life to hit the gym anyway...

Alistair_London said...

Absolutely number 3. Have a great birthday. x

Bobby Vanquish said...

There's absolutely no question; push that big red button!
(The excuse is research for your blog).
Fuck what he may think. He sounds a humourless cnut so if you can't laugh with them then laugh at his expense.
Of course if you're really brave you'll start the text with something like "Hey mate, while we were training together your manly scent ignited my flame" etc.
Go on...
(PS Obviously I take no responsbility for my advice.)

London Preppy said...

alistair & bobby: You guys! I know you just want the best for me and are not thinking about the laughs at all! I will consult all my friends tomorrow and decide. I am so tempted though.

Also, I agree with you Bobby, I have nothing to be embarrassed about. If I send the text and he shoots me down (odds on), I have no problem walking in that gym again with my iPod on training right next to him (doing everything wrong of course) and ignoring him

graham said...

I say option 3. And so what if he does shoot you down! If he's even remotely human he should be flattered that you like him and it shouldn't be awkward if you see him in the gym. If he is awkward about it, why bother ignoring him? it'll be so much more fun to wink at him whenever he looks your way.

Marcus said...

If you can get something out of him to make you tips on shoulders, etc, then use him like people like this are meant to be used. He might be able to teach you something...even him!

He has no personality, little apparent charm, no obvious character and was viewing you in a typical PT money. And since he is used to selling his time for money, the only way I would want to fuck around with him is to pay him for sex, even if I could get it for free because the dynamic it would set up is as it should be in the universe.

So ask yourself, what would Patrick Bateman do (WWPBD?) ?

Trybaby said...

I think maybe he's a bit nervous because he's a new trainer? Like he wants to be professional so that you become a regular. There still might be a chance to eventually warm up to him. But this chance will be expensive.

Yes and with number 3 I'll be able to add a wonderful paragraph on your wikipedia page. On how you are brazen and bold. You have to think of the big picture now ;)

B said...

Option 3, Option 3, Option 3. I demand it. Entertain us LP. Whore your life as a vehicle to give us our voyeuristic vicarious jollies :)

James said...

Suggest to him he should have his own Wikipedia page and offer to write it for him. That way you'll get all his personal details and you know someone like him won't pass up the opportunity.

kim said...

Option 3 as a birthday present to yourself.

Happy birthday regardless.

Jonathan said...

Joining the choir I suppose. Option 3 is best for several reasons. Your current gym has many branches. There will be many places to work your abs. The loss of one gym in the greater London area is not too much to sacrifice. Secondly, you never know what the response will be. And thirdly, he sounds like such a stuck up prick that he should be shaken up a bit with a fresh little text message. Good luck!

Jon C said...

"he thinks I’m another client – I think I’m on a date" -- story of my life.

Option 3. No doubt.

b-ag said...

Forget those options and befriend a friend of his, one who gets you, I mean gets you enough, so you can casually slip in his friends circle. Then he'll have to ask you to work out with him, he'll have no other option.
Meanwhile, stalk him. I don't mean facebook stalking, real life stalkery.

Matt said...

Happy Birthday LP. I love your blog and I admire your dedication and discipline. There are very few bloggers out there who are so consistently readable and entertaining. So... good job!

London Preppy said...

graham: I don't know if he'll be flattered, I think he's the kind of person that EXPECTS everyone to lust after him. "Even I..." etc :-)

marcus: Well, Patrick would wait in the changing room, jump him, grab his neck with expensive leather gloves and choke him to death. Then possibly keep his head in the freezer. Should I get rid of some frozen salmon I have to make room?

trybaby: are just too nice, giving him the benefit of the doubt! Nervous is not a word I would associate with him at all

b: Seems like a popular choice!

james: That could also work. "Every self-respecting PT has his own wikipedia page"...Sold!

kim: Thanks :-)

jonathan: That's right - it's not like I went to that branch before I found out about him anyway...

jon c: :-)

b-ag: The only friend I know of is his housemate, who is also a PT at that gym. It's insane isn't it. And according to Jack, the housemate introduced him to electronic scales. So not much chance of normality there!

matt: Thank a lot!

george said...

happy have to go nihilistic...the only way to go or just ignore him and he'll be so peeved that someone does not like him. as most have said jack probably loves himself and thinks everyone else loves him.....hope this gets's your BD but you are giving us the

CSS said...

i concur. Number 3 for sure, even though he sounds like you might be able to do experiments in the space between his ears.

I do however love a good blank look so do give him a little bit of credit for that. Maybe copy it and add to your repetoire, nothing like learning from a master.

Knight said...

Happy Birthday LP! Hope you have a great one! Glad to be back and am enjoying reading the previous entries!! Looks like lots has been happening in this wonderful life of yours =)

Fresco said...

Gelukkige verjaardag!
Joyeux anniversaire!
From Belgium! (Tiny but bilingual)

So, on Friday and Saturday I was in London and on Friday I’m at Selfridges at lunchtime. I could have recognised you easily - you must have been the only person there walking around with your eyes covered with a red block. :-)

I hid something for you in Zone 1. Did I?

Oh, and option no. 3 has a lot more story potential with cliff-hangers and all that.

Timmy said...

I like Option 3. However, if it expects flattery isn't this feeding the monster? "I'm so hot even the gays want me" sort of attitude. However, if he is dense he may not care one way or the other.

Frontier Psychiatrist said...

So even though you look very hot, etc. in your pictures, if you asked him out, it sounds like he might not remember who you are.

Even I have trouble remembering people when they ask me out via text message.

Christopher said...

If only you could bring along someone more muscled/attractive then this antipodean gym creature to said gym and watch his universe collapse. Might not work if he's so utterly self absorbed and lacking the homoerotic nuance to his gym fetish though. Hey-ho.

Is there no way you could engineer a situation where you could get a fellow mo to hit on him? A) You might get closure on that question B) More importantly, watching people get rebuffed can be funny.

London Preppy said...

christopher: Too late, I've texted him now. Update tomorrow!

semistraight said...

Wow, you sure care for the entertainment of your readers ;) (or you've got too many morally intact friends). Though I had hoped that you'd actually choose not to direct anymore attention to him. But who knows, maybe a good humiliation of J will reconcile me ;).
Well enough of that. Happy Birthday! :-)

Auctor said...

Happy Birthday. Let's hope a text message back will be a pleasant present.