And as all of us, I need three different types of friends: Normal Straight Friends, Normal Gay Friends, Destroyed Gay Friends.
1) Normal Straight Friends:
This is the core friend category, comprising people who know me very well and like me regardless. Examples of such people are Matty, Mean, Ace, Enid. I’m not sure I’ll need to meet many Normal Straight Friends when I move to Sydney, because I will already have Matty and Nicole, a couple of guys I used to work with and possibly Pam also moving there at the same time.
And I don’t know how easy it is to make new Normal Straight Friends anyway, because most of my current ones have known me for many years, and had the opportunity to like me before I became a twat (and then came back to being less of a twat, but still not completely non-twat).
So we’re kinda set for Normal Straight Friends.
2) Normal Gay Friends:
This is another very important category, because it comprises people I socialize with in gay places (clubs, bars, gyms), but they are still decent enough to have an interest in me outside those. And vice versa. Examples of such people here in London include Donnell, Brendan, even Scott.
I guess I will meet such people through common friends (Donnell used to live in Sydney so surely he can recommend somebody), or even my blog and of course Australian gays who lived in London for a while and have now gone back home.
So we need to work on Normal Gay Friends.
3) Destroyed Gay Friends.
This is a brilliant category that will form the basis of my going out life over there. These people might not know my second name or care if I’m dead tomorrow, but they are essential for big nights out, big nights in, big nights everywhere. Hopefully looking like a self-obsessed, gym-fit, vacant gay with a mind for self-abuse will help me infiltrate those prestigious circles.
In order to meet those guys I have started an extensive search on gaydar (where I’ve changed my location from London to Sydney) and facebook (where I go through everyone’s friend list and poke anyone with a half-naked profile picture with allusions to self-destruction and steroid abuse). I have to say it’s going pretty well so far.
If it all fails, I will just have to wear my new swimming trunks – seen below, original idea stolen from Bobby’s blog here – take a bus to Bondi Beach and sit there until some drug-addicted, muscled podium dancer from the Arq come up and talks to me. And I’ll even be understanding enough to reply that Bret Eaton Ellis is the name of the new diffusion line by DSquared2 or the guy who succeeded Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr Olympia in 1978 if they ask me about my tattoo, to avoid putting them off with my tedious literature tall stories.