Monday, 7 January 2008

Monday 07/01/08

Oh yeah also, during the personal training session Jack asked me if I use any sauces or herbs or spices when I have my chicken and salad and I said no I eat everything plain and he said that he always puts something on, some garlic, some pepper, some mustard sometimes, because he's "a bit of a cook" which I didn't mention on here, but I said it to Scott when I was telling him the story before I wrote it here. This piece of information will come in handy soon, trust me.

So anyway on Saturday night at two minutes past midnight I text Scott and I tell him that a decent boyfriend would have called me to wish my happy birthday by now, but no, not him and what am I doing wasting my time with him.

Then he rings me and tells me happy new year and then I try to engage him into conversation whereby I try to establish Stay Together by Suede as our official song together because I've been listening to it on a constant loop for the whole evening and it talks about two lovers planning to die together by jumping off a high rise (well that’s what I make out of it anyway) which obviously I like, but he's having none of it, because he hates both Suede and this song in particular.

Then we argue for a bit because I tell him that he can't be my boyfriend and hate Suede and I add that maybe he doesn't actually get Suede because they write lyrics and make art of what is essentially his life, i.e. drugged-up white trash people with no future, so it's difficult for him to understand a band that makes poetry of his own subculture.

Then Scott tell me that maybe we can discuss that tomorrow over a punch in the face and he will bring some mustard too, because he's "a bit of a cook", thus making a funny reference to stupid Jack, and that cracks me up and I realise that we like Scott even if he doesn't get my favourite band.

So, following Saturday night we have Sunday and on Sunday it’s my birthday. For my birthday I have invited some people round – not too many, just close friends I guess – and these people are: Scott, Donnell, Matty, Nicole, Mean, Ace, Brendan, Simon, Bryant, Enyd, Niles (no-show), Elliott (on holiday). So people come and presents I get include: a microwave oven (Donnell), 12 eggs (Simon), a book and a homemade CD (Enyd), tickets to Avenue Q (Scott), a Banksy book (Matty and Nicole).

The real highlight of the party for me though, is that it’s an opportunity to conduct a small focus group on whether I should text Jack and ask him out, following our disastrous personal training session and his consequent falling from grace. Of course I’ve made up my mind that I will, but I need some encouragement. The encouragement doesn’t come from Scott who is trying very hard to stop me, but everyone else is more or less in favour, mainly for ridicule reasons.

I want the message to be very forward and presumptuous, so I toy with the idea to include an explicit picture for extra hilarity, but in the end I settle for the following, which I send at 1711:

“Hi Jack, it’s London Preppy. I was wondering if you’d like to go out some time, maybe even come round to mine? Think you’ll have fun x”

This message conveys the right measure of self assurance and lack of shame, and presumes that he’s a big gay without even the need to ask, for extra offensiveness.

At 1715 (VERY quick off the mark) Jack replies:

“Dude you’re a cool guy and I’m flattered that you asked, but I’m very straight bloke”.

This message conveys that Jack is
very straight bloke and also a very quick texter. Maybe enough gay people make the wrong assumption that Jack isn’t very straight bloke, so he has a uniform text message saved in his outbox ready to forward when such a misunderstanding occurs.

At that point I don’t feel satisfied enough (plus I have to have the last word), so I fire back with:

“Ah sorry mate, my mistake. I’m straight too, just wanted to try things. Anyway, take care”.

In the battle of who’s more crazy, I like to think I win.

Anyway, so there we have it about Jack. Before we put him to rest (I don’t think after all this I’ll be having any more personal training sessions with him), I want to share another story.

Jack has now updated his facebook profile picture, changing it from a shirtless picture of him soaking wet with his arms behind his head sticking his tongue out playfully and flirtatiously to us, to a shirtless picture of him oiled up in the gym where he works, exercising at the cable cross over.

So at some point over the last week this guy:

- picked up the keys to the gym
- asked a friend to come with him
- waited until after 10.30pm when the gym closes (or possibly went before 6.30am when the gym opens)
- took his shirt off and applied baby oil on his upper body
- walked to the cable cross-over and set the weight to the exact point where it’s heavy enough that all his muscles are flexed when lifting it, but not so heavy that he has to strain his face and make it look unattractive
- lifted the weights and asked his friend to take the picture
- possibly repeated this on other gym equipment (this is assumption at this point, as I said I can’t see his profile apart from the man picture)
- put his clothes back on making them quite greasy with baby oil
- took the bus back home
- logged on to facebook and changed his profile picture

Oh yeah, and not that I’m a stalker or anything, but I looked up his housemate’s profile (who’s also a personal trainer at the gym and the guy who introduced him to electronic scales for the measurement of all your food portions) and he also has the same picture on his profile (of himself of course): naked, flexed and glistening at the cable crossover. So please imagine the steps described above with two
very straight bloke.

EDIT: I want to clarify something.  I actually do think Jack's straight. What I do find ridiculous though is how he had to specify in his reply that he is VERY straight bloke. Like if a girl came up to me and asked me out I'd ever say, "sorry, I'm flattered but I'm VERY gay"

That’s all.


JoBurgBoy said...

Anybody who has a babyoil piccy of their naked flesh ain't truly hetro so maybe there is a glimmer of a chance you can convert...I wet myself when I read your blog...can always try the old standly...get i'm drunk and jump i'm...

Marcus said...

Your comeback text was perfect and left the door open. Well played!

Dan said...

Either way, he's just not that into you.

Well played, in any case.

Stephen said...

Well time to go back and start obssessing about Hairy Guy.

Is Jack one of those people who has 1,659 Facebook Friends? Don't you hate those people? Like your friends are really going to feel special when they know they are one of 1,659. Or that you only added them in order to compete to have the longest friends list.

Skip said...

That is simply the best disturbing story.

Do you think they occasionally have sex together "by accident"? Or just to prove to themselves that they're Very Straight Blokes.

In which case, I bet they use the electronic scales to measure the weight lost through sperm...

Frontier Psychiatrist said...

The battle of who’s more crazy is really the only one worth fighting.

Nice win.

Foxx said...

Hey London, recently started reading your blog and just like to say keep it up! I look forward to my daily installment.....

Joe said...

As usual, you are hysterical - that last paragraph about these two "straight blokes" taking pictures of each other is really very funny. I don't care whether this is fiction, non-fiction, or (as I suspect), the perfect, hilarious combination of both, I love you! Keep it up...

Ben said...

Random date requests are really great fun. Here is my own version of the game:

1. Find someone you 'like' working in retail/hospitality/fitness/whatever.
2. Find out their name, either by asking, checking a name badge or buying something (the receipt may tell you their name).
3. Later on, call the store or wherever it is they work, speak to them and ask them out and/or make lewd propositions.

I have followed this procedure on a couple of occasions in the (now distant) past, with one success and one failure.

DAMO said...

Wow! you did it! lol
Tbh do feel sorry for Scott and marks to him for trying to put you off asking Jack on a date.

so are you going to avoid that particular gym, as from now on?

billybudd said...


Awesome. You made my day. Now, on to the next obsession.

Happy belated birthday, also. Nobody brought anyone sexy along to your party?

UCTLand said...

First of all, you're screwed. The "straight bloke" who lathered himself up with his mate (who actually did the lathering) now thinks you're straight.

I could be naive, but it seems that anyone who will oil himself up just for giggles surely is going to want to experiment from time to time....

Keep him wondering.

London Preppy said...

joburgboy: Oh but of course he doesn't drink!

marcus: Yes - when he decides to listen to the gay calling, I'll be the first number he dials...

dan: I totally agree. He's not that into me inany possible way. In a gay way, in a client way, in a friendly way, not at all

stephen: I saw the Hairy Guy in my regular gym today actually. He's always there about an hour before me, so I only catch him on the way out. Ain't gonna happen

London Preppy said...

skip: I guess that even very straight blokes might fuck each other up the bum every now and then, especially those who share a lifestyle / job / flat / electronic scales

frontier: That's exactly what I think. That's why I couldn't leave it like that (semi crazy)

foxx: Thank you (and welcome)

joe: I won't say if everything is fiction or non-fiction for legal reasons, plus I like the ambiguity. Glad you enjoy either way

London Preppy said...

ben: I guess my track record so far is: 100% failure

damo: I never went there anyway before. I do have a burning sensation to go though just to freak him out a bit more

billybudd: NOBODY followed the sexy rule :-(

uctland: I actually do think he's straight. What I do find ridiculous though is how he had to specify he was VERY straight bloke. Like if a girl came up to me and asked me out I'd ever say, "sorry, I'm flattered but I'm VERY gay"

Also, I'm sorry but somebody who fake tans, obsesses about their body, wears purple briefs, walks around with a waist swagger does not really scream VERY straight to me. It screams straight boy very near the metrosexual mark on the gay-straight scale

Trybaby said...

Heheh Scott rocks, so funny.

Wow good job, I'm sure he's getting his flat mate to very straightly give him head while he reads your text msg over and over again loving the fact that he turned a "straight" boy gay with the sheer power of his gym body.

I don't think that metrosexual would be on that scale because being vain has nothing to do with sexuality at all. I've never liked the word metrosexual in the first place. It's just a reenforcement of the gay stereotype, that gay men have magical grooming powers. Unless doing it in the bum bum gives you special abilities. Well that just my lil rant.

I've actually said that I am very gay to people. If someone just pops into the conversation I'm in and finds out I'm gay they say "you're gay?" and I say "Oh yes I'm very gay" it just confuses them. It's good fun.

Happy Birthday! I hope that the next 28 years are just as ridiculous :)

Bobby Vanquish said...

Your new banner's fierce.
Now - here are my suggestions of what you could have texted back (20/20 hindsight etc.)...


1/ Well, my boyfriend's straight too but it doesn't seem to worry him. Oh well. See ya x

2/ You? Straight? Mate - seriously, don't worry about upsetting me but you shouldn't lie. Oh well. See ya. x

3/ So I guess blow-job's out the question then?

London Preppy said...

trybaby: Thanks for this wish, very relevant, I do like the ridiculous

bobby: All great ones! I should have had you here for inspiration, not those bores who wouldn't even let me text

daze said...

do you think he meant 'im straight, and i dont budge a bit'?

ps: fucking love the reply.

semistraight said...

At first I read "a bit of a cock"...(don't ask me for the connection with sauces and spices in this case o_O).
Btw, I have a "very straight" (OK not his exact words) friend who offers me blow jobs all the time...
To get into bed with J you will just have to find the faceless profile he uses for "chatting online" ;)

Gabriel said...

you make me laugh! am afraid you'll have to wait for jack's DVD "very straight PT blokes getting horny" when it gets released in summer.

London Preppy said...

daze: I see, it's code! Very straight = I don't budge a bit. Straight = I budge occasionally. Very good

semistraight: Well he is a bit of a cock, so some honesty would have been appreciated at least!

gabriel: Ha ha. As another reader pointed out, there are few things somebody won't do who's used to charging by the hour

Red Exile / Красная Ссылка said...

Aw... now ... you see... I kinda have sympathy for trainer-boy, inasmuch as I thought his rejection of*invitation*... was rather gracious. Very polite indeed.

...Poor chap must be hit-up all the time (especially in London which, when I visited last week, seems to me to be almost suffocatingly gay.. where gayness is virtually compulsory - very different from not just home here in Moscow, but also Italy, from where I have just returned from the last three weeks' not-Christmas break).

And I bet that, if you did go back there once a month for.. um... 're-tuning', he would be completely professional and would spare (mutual) blushes.

Personally, I think the chap gets 10/10 for professionalism...

I thought he behaved admirably: you (London) gays can be so fierce... LOL

PS: I agree, even here in Moscow, your new banner capture is definitely NSFW: even I can't think of the neo-Nazi... oops... pro-Holy Mother Russia (pro-Kremlin, youth-groups) I could prentend your site belongs to (as it flashes up on screen) if one of my analysts wonders into my office).

London Preppy said...

red exile: Speaking of the banner, I cannot take credit for it at all - a reader sent it through to me. He can step forward if he wishes...

Red Exile / Красная Ссылка said...

Well, the banner is consistent with the blog's wonderfully Byronic nature:

"mad, bad and dangerous to know" - LOL squared.

Jon C said...

You should have texted back saying, "I'm VERY straight too, but you're on my list of 5 guys that my girlfriend would allow me to sleep with."

Did you ever laminate your list?

Timmy said...

I'm catching up on my blog reading before I go to bed and you made me LOL with the Jack stories.

Geez. If adding mustard to something makes you a bit of a cook then I guess I should be able to teach at The Culinary Institute Of America.

I think Jack and his roomate are straight...straight to bed together.

London Preppy said...

jon: That's very good too :-( too late!

No, my list only has two entries still

timmy: Yes, hopefully their facebook profile pics will give us more clues as time goes by. Jack oiled up lying in bed, his housemate oiled up lying in bed, Jack oiled up lying on his housemate, etc

W. Maximus the First said...

Glad to see that you liked the banner I made for you. If you need a new one later just let me know.

george said...

......scott is my new hero with the punch in the face line.....sorry preppy. did not know he had it in him.....

the whole jack thing is hilarious. you need to make another PT appointment straight away like nothing has

Big Ed said...

If he is professional as we are, you can rebook and nothing should happen! Big Ed