So anyway on Saturday night at two minutes past midnight I text Scott and I tell him that a decent boyfriend would have called me to wish my happy birthday by now, but no, not him and what am I doing wasting my time with him.
Then he rings me and tells me happy new year and then I try to engage him into conversation whereby I try to establish Stay Together by Suede as our official song together because I've been listening to it on a constant loop for the whole evening and it talks about two lovers planning to die together by jumping off a high rise (well that’s what I make out of it anyway) which obviously I like, but he's having none of it, because he hates both Suede and this song in particular.
Then we argue for a bit because I tell him that he can't be my boyfriend and hate Suede and I add that maybe he doesn't actually get Suede because they write lyrics and make art of what is essentially his life, i.e. drugged-up white trash people with no future, so it's difficult for him to understand a band that makes poetry of his own subculture.
Then Scott tell me that maybe we can discuss that tomorrow over a punch in the face and he will bring some mustard too, because he's "a bit of a cook", thus making a funny reference to stupid Jack, and that cracks me up and I realise that we like Scott even if he doesn't get my favourite band.
So, following Saturday night we have Sunday and on Sunday it’s my birthday. For my birthday I have invited some people round – not too many, just close friends I guess – and these people are: Scott, Donnell, Matty, Nicole, Mean, Ace, Brendan, Simon, Bryant, Enyd, Niles (no-show), Elliott (on holiday). So people come and presents I get include: a microwave oven (Donnell), 12 eggs (Simon), a book and a homemade CD (Enyd), tickets to Avenue Q (Scott), a Banksy book (Matty and Nicole).
The real highlight of the party for me though, is that it’s an opportunity to conduct a small focus group on whether I should text Jack and ask him out, following our disastrous personal training session and his consequent falling from grace. Of course I’ve made up my mind that I will, but I need some encouragement. The encouragement doesn’t come from Scott who is trying very hard to stop me, but everyone else is more or less in favour, mainly for ridicule reasons.
I want the message to be very forward and presumptuous, so I toy with the idea to include an explicit picture for extra hilarity, but in the end I settle for the following, which I send at 1711:
“Hi Jack, it’s London Preppy. I was wondering if you’d like to go out some time, maybe even come round to mine? Think you’ll have fun x”
This message conveys the right measure of self assurance and lack of shame, and presumes that he’s a big gay without even the need to ask, for extra offensiveness.
At 1715 (VERY quick off the mark) Jack replies:
“Dude you’re a cool guy and I’m flattered that you asked, but I’m very straight bloke”.
This message conveys that Jack is very straight bloke and also a very quick texter. Maybe enough gay people make the wrong assumption that Jack isn’t very straight bloke, so he has a uniform text message saved in his outbox ready to forward when such a misunderstanding occurs.
At that point I don’t feel satisfied enough (plus I have to have the last word), so I fire back with:
“Ah sorry mate, my mistake. I’m straight too, just wanted to try things. Anyway, take care”.
In the battle of who’s more crazy, I like to think I win.
Anyway, so there we have it about Jack. Before we put him to rest (I don’t think after all this I’ll be having any more personal training sessions with him), I want to share another story.
Jack has now updated his facebook profile picture, changing it from a shirtless picture of him soaking wet with his arms behind his head sticking his tongue out playfully and flirtatiously to us, to a shirtless picture of him oiled up in the gym where he works, exercising at the cable cross over.
So at some point over the last week this guy:
- picked up the keys to the gym
- asked a friend to come with him
- waited until after 10.30pm when the gym closes (or possibly went before 6.30am when the gym opens)
- took his shirt off and applied baby oil on his upper body
- walked to the cable cross-over and set the weight to the exact point where it’s heavy enough that all his muscles are flexed when lifting it, but not so heavy that he has to strain his face and make it look unattractive
- lifted the weights and asked his friend to take the picture
- possibly repeated this on other gym equipment (this is assumption at this point, as I said I can’t see his profile apart from the man picture)
- put his clothes back on making them quite greasy with baby oil
- took the bus back home
- logged on to facebook and changed his profile picture
Oh yeah, and not that I’m a stalker or anything, but I looked up his housemate’s profile (who’s also a personal trainer at the gym and the guy who introduced him to electronic scales for the measurement of all your food portions) and he also has the same picture on his profile (of himself of course): naked, flexed and glistening at the cable crossover. So please imagine the steps described above with two very straight bloke.
EDIT: I want to clarify something. I actually do think Jack's straight. What I do find ridiculous though is how he had to specify in his reply that he is VERY straight bloke. Like if a girl came up to me and asked me out I'd ever say, "sorry, I'm flattered but I'm VERY gay"