And this happens last weekend. On Friday evening I go over to Matty’s house where we watch Frasier and I eat fish and green beans and Matty and Nicole eat pizza and garlic bread. Then I eat two chocolate puddings from M&S and they eat Ben & Jerry’s ice cream which they don’t offer to me, but that’s OK because when I have guests over at my house and they find my ice cream in the freezer, I don’t let them have it either.
Then I leave their house and take the tube back to mine where I’m looking forward to an extended evening of Friday Night with Jonathan Ross followed by at least one episode of CSI, but when I get to my house, just outside the door, I realize I’ve left my keys at Matty’s because I’d taken them out of my pocket so I can sit more comfortably. Then I go and meet Scott to pick up his spare set of keys and by the time I get back home I have missed Friday Night with Jonathan Ross and I’m feeling quite grumpy so I go out again and buy two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie and eat one and a bit.
On Saturday it’s raining and I think I go to the gym but I can’t quite remember. What I do remember definitely though, is that in the evening I go to a surprise birthday party for Brendan. This party is organized by a friend of Brendan who we shall call Zoidberg, whilst other luminaries at the party include: Scott, Donnell, Bryant, about a dozen other gays.
So we all get there nice and early and wait for Brendan who has to walk in and utilize any acting skills he may have in order to feign surprise. On Saturday evening, at Brendan’s surprise birthday party, the following things happen:
- I warn Scott that he should not under any circumstances throw a surprise birthday party for me on my upcoming birthday (6th January) because I hate a) surprises and b) medium-sized groups of people under one roof
- Zoidberg shoves us all in one corner to practice for the moment when Brendan walks in. He hands us out party popper things and instructs us to leap forward and shout “SURPRISE” at the right moment. My personal view on this is that I may be gay but there is a certain fag threshold that I don’t like to cross too often, so after a quick conversation with Bryant I conclude that there is not way I’m going to do this unless I’m drugged up. I extend my arm, nobody offers to inject me, possibly due to a shortage of heroin
- Consequently, when the big moment arrives I stand back and remain quiet thinking about what I could be watching on TV later in the evening
- Once this is over we are all released again and can resume our normal conversations and positions
- Donnell tells me about a new guy he is meeting later in the evening and how he sounds really amazing and he’s looking forward to it, but I tell Donnell that I’ve heard this one before and he’s just eternal optimist of love and Donnell tells me that it’s better than being a miserable git and I tell Donnell that it has worked for me so far thank you very much
- Donnell drops something in the bathroom and I suggest snorting the carpet. We do not snort the carpet
- Somebody offers me a piece of birthday cake, I sniff it, get full and hand it back
- I get bored and go home. Everyone else goes clubbing
On Sunday I meet Scott and we decide to go to the British Museum on order to admire and take pictures of some more statues. The British Museum is hugely disappointing as a lot of the rooms are closed for the public. I ask a British Museum employee why so many rooms are closed and she tells me that they are short staffed. I tell her that this is not my problem and I want to see the Greek statues and I would expect the British Museum to be open to the public on a Sunday at least, when the public wants to go there. She asks me if I would perhaps like to take a job at the British Museum to ensure that they won’t be closed and that way I can also see al the exhibits I like. I ask her how much she gets paid because I’m always in the market for a ridiculous new career, but they get paid even less than me, which I suppose is an achievement of sorts.
We go home.