On Saturday I go to the gym with Scott and Donnell and this is the first time I've been in touch with Donnell since her went clubbing last week, where he lost his phone and was sick in the middle of the dancefloor and banged his head somewhere, an experience which he claims put him off clubbing for the foreseeable future, because "clubbing is so destructive", but his next statement was that he might go to Fire this Friday because he's just not strong enough, so we al know what to make of future declarations that his clubbing days are behind him.
At the gym I also ask Donnell to take some pictures of me doing abs exercises (a reader recently suggested that I should include some), but we only manage to get one, because we are both quite embarrassed. But this is not the end of it, I will ask Scott to take pictures of me soon (he has no shame) and post them here. Maybe I could actually post pictures of my whole workout over 4 different days, how would we like that eh?
Anyway, on Sunday Scott and I go to the gym, yet another new one that I haven’t been to before in zone 2, near where he lives. And we go there because the last time Scott went he saw this guy there who is his favourite person ever apparently, and what we know about this guy is this:
- He is a personal trainer at the H__________ site of the gym we go to
- He is Australian
- He is blonde and about 6ft tall and he has a slim pointy nose, which is the best shape nose you can have
- He has a flawless body and a good size
- He appears to be a twat and maybe homophobic or at least a gay basher (both advantages)
By the way, these characteristics are all according to Scott – I’ve never seen the guy. So yeah we go there on Sunday in order to stalk him but sadly he’s not there and his picture isn’t even up on the personal trainers wall and when we ask at reception they tell us that not all the personal trainers are up on the wall because some of them started recently.
In any case, Scott insists that the guy is really amazing and I’m thinking that fine, maybe he is, but he’s certainly not as amazing as MY guy from my usual gym that I described last Thursday (here) who we shall refer to as Hairy Guy from now on to avoid confusion.
And that’s when I get this idea. And this idea is not mine of course (none of the best ones are), but I stole it from an episode of Friends and what happens in that episode is that Ross and Rachel come up with a list of 5 people that they are allowed to sleep with if the opportunity presents itself, even though they are in a relationship with each other. In Friends the 5 people on the list are celebrities, so very unlikely to bump into, but in our list they are real people, but definitely not people that we know and they are gay and they just would be very easy to sleep with if we wanted. They have to be a bit of a challenge.
So, on my list at the moment no.1 is the Hairy Guy and no.2 is a personal trainer from my gym who I know is straight and South African (what a combination). On Scott’s list no.1 is the Australian personal trainer. And our lists are in our wallets (should the opportunity come up with one of those guys and as proof that yes, we are allowed to sleep with them) and I am planning to laminate mine when I come up with all 5 positions.
Now then, this is not the end of the story, because on Monday…
…I go to my usual gym after work only to find out that the Hairy Guy is there at the same time, so potentially I have the chance to start getting through my list. And the following things happen:
- Hairy Guy is doing chest and he’s wearing a t-shirt
- I walk up to another gay guy from the gym that I know (and he knows everyone there) and ask him to tell me everything about Hairy Guy and if he doesn’t know, he should find out and then tell me
- The guy tells me that Hairy Guy is indeed gay, but sadly that all the information we have – he doesn’t know him personally
- With this new knowledge at hand, I turn on Flirting Mode, which involves glancing over at Hairy Guy every now and then and trying to catch his eye, but giving him a “don’t even think about talking to me” look of course instead of a “I’m gay and I love you” one
- Sadly this seems to work too well as Hairy Guy couldn’t care less about me
- Hairy Guy goes in the changing room mid-workout and comes back out having changed into a vest, this is way too sexy for me and I can’t take it especially from someone who does not like me back, I go in the changing room, shower, leave
So there we have it, Hairy Guy is there but he’s not interested in me. Please don’t tell me that maybe he is and I just don’t know and I shouldn’t give up yet, trust me, if there is one thing I can tell is if somebody is giving me the cold shoulder or not. I know.
My explanation is that Hairy Guy is in a whole different category of gay, I’m simply not his type. He’s very muscly and hairy and has a beard, which says to me more Trade crowd than DTPM. I’ve had this experience before, I like the very occasional guy who looks like that, and they really couldn’t care less, because my clean-cut boyish look just doesn’t do it for them.
Regardless, I spend a lot of Monday night in bed awake obsessing over Hairy Guy and even thinking desperate thoughts like “I should slip him a note with my number but seriously this time”, and let’s face it, there is no more ridiculous way to approach somebody, but I’m not thinking straight, this is lust. Goodbye.
PS. Thanks for all the votes on the poll on the left; I have found a way to publish the picture from the winning answer without freaking out everyone who knows me in real life. Probably tomorrow.