And it’s the end of the year and because of that a couple of people suggested that maybe I should write a review, mention the good and the bad things that happened in the last 12 months, reminisce, that sort of thing. So that sounded good to start with, but then I remembered that I have no past I have no future, I’m stuck here on this day in December 2008, I don’t keep any memories and I don’t have any hopes and I don’t want to.
So let’s talk about people’s abs and digital enhancing. Here are some pictures that have been shoved down our throats throughout the last few months (hey, maybe this IS a 2008 review after all). The two main ones I’m talking about are a promotional picture for the film 300 featuring Gerard Butler and a promotional picture for Armani underwear featuring David Beckham.
Gerard Butler/300: In this picture we see Gerard screaming something to us in full-on fury mode surrounded by splattered blood everywhere and closely followed by a big army. I don’t know what he’s shouting, but I’m scared. The focal point of the image is not Gerard’s face, or the blood or the big army, but it’s the seminal six-pack engraved onto Gerard’s stomach. In fact, I think the whole promotional campaign for this film was based on that six-pack.
Next, let’s look at a picture of Gerard on his little boat, without the assistance of the digital transformation and bucketful of specialist make-up. My God where has it all gone. I guess it was just never there.
David Beckham/Armani: Let’s look at this the other way round. To start us off, here is a number of shirtless pictures of David Beckham. I can’t begin to describe how much I don’t get the attraction of David, and how people consider his to be an example of the perfect body. All I can see is: very thin arms compared to the rest of his body, an undefined belly that’s sticking out and a chest that is lacking muscle so much, that it’s actually caving in.
Seriously, look at his chest, I don’t just mean that he doesn’t have developed pectorals; he actually lacks this muscle group completely. He has just a rib cage, skin and nipples. Has he had his chest muscles removed? Does this help with the free kicks or something? I don’t know.
Stomach sticking out further than chest – check:
Wrists equal circumference to biceps – check:
Pecs actually caving in rather than sticking out – check:
And so miraculously, here is the Armani advert that appeared recently.
Obscene six-pack has appeared out of nowhere and he has developed a cleavage and chest definition. I guess they couldn’t expand the scrawny arms to a normal size without everyone rebelling and bringing the whole media system down (we’re not THAT stupid), so they covered them with a crisp white crop top.
So yeah, good on Gerard and David, but I don’t have the whole Warner Bros or Armani marketing departments retouching my pictures and myself actually on a 24-hour basis, so here’s what I’ve had for dinner every night this year (more or less):