On the Friday before Christmas, admittedly, it’s not the busiest day at work so I go on Wikipedia and read the biography of Albert Camus followed by the biography of Melissa Joan Hart, followed by Kelsey Grammer and Franz Kafka and then I get an email from Mean asking me whether I’m doing anything for my birthday which is coming up and this is a very good question, because I haven’t thought about it yet.
And ideas that cross my mind for my upcoming birthday include:
a) To invite lots and lots of people I know either to my house or to a bar, and these lots and lots of people will include my close friends, older friends and acquaintances, friends from work, the gays that I see out and about.
The problem with plan (a) is that: I can’t be bothered, plus I haven’t been going to anything anyone invited me to over the last year and I seem to have an issue with answering the phone when people call, so I don’t think anyone would turn up.
b) To name a time and place on the blog and invite everyone who reads this there, for some amazing blogger / reader interaction. I realize there are readers from all over the world but this would be set in London, because err…that’s where I am and also that’s where a lot of the readers are too.
The problem with plan (b) is that: I don’t exactly have a suspicion, more a certainty I would say, that somebody would take this opportunity to come and shoot me. Or attack me at least.
c) To invite some close friends only to my house, in an intimate yet sociable setting.
And this is the plan that I’m going with in the end, so on Friday at 1153, I send around the following email:
“As we all know, next year is a special year because it’s my birthday.
I will be celebrating my birthday on Saturday the 5th of January, because this is quite near the 6th of January when my actual birthday is, but that is a Sunday and Sunday us a day of mourning not celebration.
So if you want to be part of this blog post:
So on Saturday a few people come round to my house for my birthday and nobody brings any good presents and people drink and chat and hang, but I wish they would just go now – I have episodes of Frasier to watch – and I’m wearingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
…please make your way to mine at some point during that evening.
As you can see there aren’t that many guests (well maybe 4-5 more whose emails I don’t have here) so your attendance is of vital importance.
There’s only one rule – you have to bring somebody sexy with you. Somebody who I haven’t personally invited (so Nicole can’t bring Matty and pretend that’s her Sexy Other), and somebody who I will consider sexy – not you. Try to get into my head”.
Then Scott emails back and he says that he can’t make Saturday and can I do it on Sunday instead, which causes all sorts of problems and anyway the outcome is I haven’t decided when this is going to happen yet, but it’s one of those two days.
Anyway, the main thing to focus on is the theme of the party, which is Bring-A-Sexy. This is a thinly-veiled attempt to have somebody go to my gym, kidnap the Hairy Guy, tie him up and gag him and bring him to my party (on his knees), and I like to think that this will actually happen. Then everyone can piss off and I will spend my birthday with my new slave, where I will:
- Make him wear a t-shirt and then go in the next room and change and come back wearing a vest
- Look at him but ask him to ignore me and never look back, thus recreating the gym dynamic
- Ask him to clean the patio at the front because it needs doing
- Ask for advice on how to be hairy
- Punch him a bit
- Cuddle him and watch Frasier. Or CSI. Wait, yes definitely CSI because it’s too scary to watch on my own usually
But apart from the Hairy Guy any other Sexy +1’s are also welcome.
PS. Thanks for more than 200,000 hits on the blog now. How nice of you.