So on Friday I meet up with Matty and wearing a total of 3 polo shirts between us we decide to have dinner at this Greek place called the Real Greek, which is sort of like a Greek tapas restaurant. There we both have this thing called souvlaki, which is lamb or chicken or pork or whatever wrapped in pita bread; yes, that’s right I’m having complex carbohydrates at 1900 in the evening. Then we decide to go back to my house to hang out and watch TV and on the way we also buy a tub of Ben & Jerry’s (chocolate fudge brownie).
Obviously these days my diet has gone out the window, but my abs are still holding out, I’m not sure why that might be. Regardless, once I come back from Iceland next week I’ll go back to my usual psychotic, self-punishing eating habits, because I don’t want to tempt fate any longer. In the meantime Matty has some of the ice cream, I have some of the ice cream and then once he leaves I finish the rest of it off.
Before Matty leaves however, the following things happen:
We watch an episode of the Simpsons
We examine a map of London and set borders of the furthest out that we would be willing to live
At some point, in the bathroom, I notice the window and remember that I’m always terrified in the middle of the night when I wake up to go to the toilet, because there are no curtains or blind and I think that somebody will be stood there, just outside, staring in. And because the sight of a face staring at me surrounded by pitch black at 0300 in the morning when I’m half asleep is not one I want to come across, I suggest to Matty that we go to the shops right then and buy some curtains.
For this visit to the shops I'm wearing Ralph Lauren khaki shorts, Timberland deck shoes and a Sheffield University hooded top.
Then we go to the shops, but I’ve overestimated how late shops stay open, and anywhere that might sell curtains is closed. So instead we go to Tesco and play around there for a bit and then we go to the pharmacy, which is still open. And this is a picture of me on the security screen in the pharmacy at 2200 on this Friday evening.
Despite the fact that I’m smiling, I’m fully aware that not even all the pills stacked in the Pain Relief section that I’m stood by could ever take my pain away.
Then we go back home and we play this game where Matty has to keep his eyes closed and just by smelling them, guess the flavours that the 4 shower gels that I keep in my bathroom come in. Each shower gel has a combination of 2 fruits (for example cranberry and kiwi) and out of a total of 8 fruits, Matty only manages to guess 1. The coconut in coconut milk and lime.
Then he goes home.
On Saturday I only leave home to go to the gym. In the evening I stay in, on my own, watching TV and listening to music.
It crosses my mind that I haven’t been out on a Friday or Saturday evening since August. It’s not just that I don’t really want to go clubbing. I don’t want to go out and meet people in crowded, public places either. I’m happy for friends to come over to my house or to visit friends at theirs, but the longer I stay away from bars, clubs, etc the more hesitant I am to go back. I don’t know when this starts becoming an issue, but I don’t have the desire to deal with it anyway.
In any case, this Saturday evening at home, I’m feeling distant and a bit vacant and maybe sad, but mainly I’m feeling nothing. I use moisturizer to maintain my tan which I’m starting to be satisfied with, I measure my waist (30”), arms (14.5”) and chest (42”) and I don’t allow myself to get upset about the memories that cross my mind, some of which I’ve lived, and some of which I haven’t: how my hair turned dark when I was 6, going back to the room I stayed in at my first year at Uni and seeing it occupied by somebody else, a wheelchair I don’t have the strength to push, facing the reality that nobody will ever call me Dad, snorting a crushed Valium, then another, not crying when the
And here’s a picture when I go to bed on that Saturday night.
I have 1 song by Eagle Eye Cherry and I've played it 9 times
I have 5 songs by East 17 and I've played them 34 times
I have 6 songs by Echo & The Bunnymen and I've played them 81 times