Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Tuesday 23/10/07

So on Monday and Tuesday – and trying to live up to the new look I described yesterday – I do the following things:

a) Go in Boots and buy a shampoo called Sheer Blonde by John Frieda, which (the bottle tells me): purifies blonde strands to bring out glistening highlights. The fact that I haven’t had any blonde strands for at least 21 years doesn’t matter and I’m still holding out for those glistening highlights (Monday lunchtime)

b) Go on a sunbed for 10 minutes (listening to I Will Always Love You followed by The Greatest Love Of All both by Whitney Houston followed by The Ace Of Spades by Motorhead) (Monday evening)

c) Try out new big hair (i.e. the posh, unkempt bouffant) which actually comes naturally and I don’t know why I have been fighting it all this time (Tuesday morning)

Now then, as the Rugby World Cup has come to an end, let’s say our final goodbye by examining a few last pictures that have emerged from Paris / the Final weekend. This is how the England team decided to drown their sorrows after a disappointing Saturday night.

Picture 1: Prince William, Jonny Wilkinson

Teetotal Jonny comes down from his room to get a club sandwich and a can of Dr Pepper from the bar. Unfortunately he walks into Prince William and feels that he has to stay and chat for a bit. He wouldn’t mind that knighthood next year after all. Prince William offers him a drink but they are both too sober to make conversation so William starts playing with his phone and Jonny stares at his shoes for a bit.

Picture 2: Prince William, Jonny Wilkinson, “Fans”

William pours some more, Jonny spots the vultures eyeing him up from the left and decides to down his drink. Please note the pure, shameless lust and desperation in their eyes (not too dissimilar to what my face will look like when I cross paths with Josh Lewsey). This look is enough to turn even the strongest amongst us (Jonny) to alcoholism.

Picture 3: Prince William and Jonny Wilkinson sans Vultures

The ladies have been removed by the armed policemen, William and Jonny have completely run out of conversation, Jonny decides to say goodbye and return to his room to cut his toe nails and watch the X Factor re-run on ITV.

Picture 4: Enter Prince Harry

Party Prince Harry rolls in already sloshed. The chance of anyone going to bed without decorating the inside of the sink in their room first goes out the window.

Picture 5: Prince Harry, Toby Flood, Several Bottles of Booze

Toby Flood bypasses Royal Protocol and pours champagne straight into the Prince’s (3rd in line to the throne) mouth. Please note a) Toby Flood’s fabulous spray tan, b) Harry’s glorious unkempt bouffant, c) another vulture that has clawed her way back in past the bodyguards, using her French-manicured hands (behind Toby).

Picture 6: Prince Harry, Jonny Wilkinson, Toby Flood, Matthew Tait

Jonny is so tanked he doesn’t mind the stalker clutching his neck, Toby gets another round in, somebody has emptied 2 shandies on Matthew’s shirt and Prince Harry is still standing strong, proving who the next King of England really should be.

Picture 7: Prince William, Toby Flood, Prince Harry, Fat Bodyguard, Matthew Tate, Peroxide Broads

500 Miles by The Proclaimers comes on, Prince William and the Bodyguard are finally glad they recognsie a song and start shouting “na na na na, na na na na”, etc. Everyone else turns their back and pretends they came separately.

Picture 8: Prince Harry, Toby Flood, Matthew Tait (sans shirt)

Matthew’s had enough of his sticky, booze-soaked shirt, Toby helps him take it off and carries it for him like a good friend would, I take notes about Matthew’s flawless white skin oh my God Matthew’s flawless white skin and Toby’s golden tan – both equally good aspirational looks that make me grateful I have a smooth upper body like the England rugby boys.

Picture 9: Prince Harry, Toby Flood, Jonny Wilkinson, Matthew Tait

It’s the end of the night, everyone is blitzed and has lost all inhibitions, but the camp, bespectacled queen behind Toby plays it cool and pretends not to notice that he’s 6 inches away from the future King of England, his brother, the most talented sportsman of his generation and some other half-naked rugby studs. Hard-on just outside shot.

I have 1 song by Dirty Vegas and I've played it 5 times
I have 4 songs by Disco Boys and I've played them 67 times
I have 7 songs by the Divine Comedy and I've played them 62 times


Trybaby said...

Wow those girls are quite scary.

J said...

I could pretend that I'm disgusted by the blonde harpies circling at that party, but actually I'm insanely jealous... to have the hard-partying royals AND the real life adoni of the english rugby team rolling around drunk together is like some kind of dream!
I've had the fortune to meet Toby Flood, and I am sure that the look of involuntary lust and desperation in my eyes was exactly as you describe it here!
I'm interested that you're now cultivating the English Public Schoolboy look now... I'm sure that in your case it will be stunningly executed (a la Toby Flood/Johnny Wilkinson). However, the sad reality is that most public schoolboys actually look like they dress from their fathers'/grandfathers' wardrobes, and the unkempt bouffant is often just a little bit greasy... such a crying shame at times!

London Preppy said...

trybaby: Yep, scary but as both I and the reader below point out, I bet we'd have the same look if we were there!

j: I know! It seems that it's best to adopt and mould a look than be born into it!

Bobby Vanquish said...

London P, speaking of the rugby you are NEVER going to believe who I sat next to on the Central Line this morning.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I sat down...
I even managed to get out the mobile phone and sneak a photo....



yeah okay... it's slightly lame but it brightened my day nonetheless.

Adam said...

Dont pretend like you would be any better than that queen if you were 'stuck' in between them all :P

London Preppy said...

bobby: OH. MY. GOD. I'm on the Central Line every day. If I find myself in a carriage with that in, it's coming down. And that's a promise

London Preppy said...

adam: I'd be a bit like that only with my tongue hanging out

seahorse said...

Mr. Prep its VODKA not champers being put down Harry's gulp.

Damn that Toby can wet my day anytime he wishes. Very cute.

Too cute.

seahorse said...

lol on bobby...

I clicked that link so quickly haha and pissing myself with laughter now.

tyler said...

scene in "reversal of fortune":
alan dershowitz, famous lawyer: you're quite insane, arent you...
klaus von bulow: you have no idea..
i long to see mop top lp: how long will it take to grow?
i notice that you wear timberlands: more to the point preppy would be sperry top siders without socks. i own a saddle pair that is the the best: white with navy saddle and strings.....
and lest i not forget: white bucks!

Trybaby said...

Hey did you get those files I sent alright?

SheBee said...

YOu are bloody insane. Lovely commentary though. Felt like i was there.


about a boy said...

he does have nice skin!