So on Monday and Tuesday – and trying to live up to the new look I described yesterday – I do the following things:
a) Go in Boots and buy a shampoo called Sheer Blonde by John Frieda, which (the bottle tells me): purifies blonde strands to bring out glistening highlights. The fact that I haven’t had any blonde strands for at least 21 years doesn’t matter and I’m still holding out for those glistening highlights (Monday lunchtime)
b) Go on a sunbed for 10 minutes (listening to I Will Always Love You followed by The Greatest Love Of All both by Whitney Houston followed by The Ace Of Spades by Motorhead) (Monday evening)
c) Try out new big hair (i.e. the posh, unkempt bouffant) which actually comes naturally and I don’t know why I have been fighting it all this time (Tuesday morning)
Now then, as the Rugby World Cup has come to an end, let’s say our final goodbye by examining a few last pictures that have emerged from Paris / the Final weekend. This is how the England team decided to drown their sorrows after a disappointing Saturday night.
Picture 1: Prince William, Jonny Wilkinson
Teetotal Jonny comes down from his room to get a club sandwich and a can of Dr Pepper from the bar. Unfortunately he walks into Prince William and feels that he has to stay and chat for a bit. He wouldn’t mind that knighthood next year after all. Prince William offers him a drink but they are both too sober to make conversation so William starts playing with his phone and Jonny stares at his shoes for a bit.
Picture 2: Prince William, Jonny Wilkinson, “Fans”
William pours some more, Jonny spots the vultures eyeing him up from the left and decides to down his drink. Please note the pure, shameless lust and desperation in their eyes (not too dissimilar to what my face will look like when I cross paths with Josh Lewsey). This look is enough to turn even the strongest amongst us (Jonny) to alcoholism.
Picture 3: Prince William and Jonny Wilkinson sans Vultures
The ladies have been removed by the armed policemen, William and Jonny have completely run out of conversation, Jonny decides to say goodbye and return to his room to cut his toe nails and watch the X Factor re-run on ITV.
Picture 4: Enter Prince Harry
Party Prince Harry rolls in already sloshed. The chance of anyone going to bed without decorating the inside of the sink in their room first goes out the window.
Picture 5: Prince Harry, Toby Flood, Several Bottles of Booze
Toby Flood bypasses Royal Protocol and pours champagne straight into the Prince’s (3rd in line to the throne) mouth. Please note a) Toby Flood’s fabulous spray tan, b) Harry’s glorious unkempt bouffant, c) another vulture that has clawed her way back in past the bodyguards, using her French-manicured hands (behind Toby).
Picture 6: Prince Harry, Jonny Wilkinson, Toby Flood, Matthew Tait
Jonny is so tanked he doesn’t mind the stalker clutching his neck, Toby gets another round in, somebody has emptied 2 shandies on Matthew’s shirt and Prince Harry is still standing strong, proving who the next King of England really should be.
Picture 7: Prince William, Toby Flood, Prince Harry, Fat Bodyguard, Matthew Tate, Peroxide Broads
500 Miles by The Proclaimers comes on, Prince William and the Bodyguard are finally glad they recognsie a song and start shouting “na na na na, na na na na”, etc. Everyone else turns their back and pretends they came separately.
Picture 8: Prince Harry, Toby Flood, Matthew Tait (sans shirt)
Matthew’s had enough of his sticky, booze-soaked shirt, Toby helps him take it off and carries it for him like a good friend would, I take notes about Matthew’s flawless white skin oh my God Matthew’s flawless white skin and Toby’s golden tan – both equally good aspirational looks that make me grateful I have a smooth upper body like the England rugby boys.
Picture 9: Prince Harry, Toby Flood, Jonny Wilkinson, Matthew Tait
It’s the end of the night, everyone is blitzed and has lost all inhibitions, but the camp, bespectacled queen behind Toby plays it cool and pretends not to notice that he’s 6 inches away from the future King of England, his brother, the most talented sportsman of his generation and some other half-naked rugby studs. Hard-on just outside shot.
I have 1 song by Dirty Vegas and I've played it 5 times
I have 4 songs by Disco Boys and I've played them 67 times
I have 7 songs by the Divine Comedy and I've played them 62 times