As you know I sent an article to the London Paper on Saturday for them to publish in their reader/columnist feature. Because I can’t be bothered waiting for the London Paper to a) pull their finger out and b) realise my writing genius I am posting the article on here today.
It’s still a bit early and they might use it in the end (a friend whose article got in told me that they contacted him a week after he sent it), but I don’t care – I’m sure nobody from the London Paper reads my blog and even if they do and they see the article here and decide not to publish it for this reason I really am not bothered. You don’t get any money or prizes for it and as we all know I’m all about the money. And the prizes, if they’re nice.
My article is on Zone 1 in London vs. The Rest of the World (well, outer London anyway). It’s meant to be funny so please don’t start leaving comments knocking Zone 1 and defending life in Southfields or something – I am not serious in what I’ve written.
No actually I take that back – I’m dead serious and I’d rather lose 2 inches in height (and that’s some serious fucking commitment on my part) than move outside Zone 1*.
*Please note that I reserve the right to change my mind completely when I’m no longer able to afford this extortionate rent and move to Brent Cross.
“I would very much like those people who live outside Zone 1 to leave those of us who do, alone. It's very simple really – everyone always complains about London being very crowded and busy and hectic. Well how about everyone who lives outside Zone 1 just stays there? Permanently.
Most people blame the tourists for making it unbearable to get around central London in the daytime during any given week, but that is not really the problem. The worst overcrowding I see is on the way to work in the morning and I really don't think a few thousand German tourists wake up at 0730 on a daily basis, have their breakfast and then catch the tube to Liverpool Street en masse. No, this is caused by people travelling from Finchley, Leyton, Tooting or wherever it is they live outside the Circle Line "border" to go to work. I don't know if these places are real by the way, I'm just copying from a tube map; I haven't been there.
Even worse, some people come into Zone 1 to work when they don't live within a London postcode at all! I do not intend to ever visit Farnborough, St Albans or Maidstone, and I would be really grateful ifpeople living there wouldn't come into my vicinity either. Try getting a job there.
Apart from commuters we also have to suffer those who come to central London for a night out. But if you're renting a flat in Clapham and like this suburban, unruffled lifestyle so much, please stay there in the evening too.
We pay two or three times your rent to live in a decent central area with easy and quick access to work, entertainment and culture and would appreciate if you didn't overcrowd our territory.
In the last few years I have lived in XXX and XXX and worked in XXX and XXX. I have an ongoing competition with a friend who lives in Farringdon and works near Victoria, on who can stay within Zone 1 the longest (only trips to Heathrow Airport are allowed with the intention of traveling abroad of course). It might be nice if peripheral people would try something similar in staying out of central London. Because it's ours.
Alternatively we could just build a wall around Zone 1 – from Notting Hill to Aldgate and King's Cross to Waterloo – and leave the masses out; it's up to you."
They also ask to send a face picture with the article in case they publish it and this is the one I’ve sent.
So, combination of a) completely irrational aggressive rant attacking 97% of their audience and b) stuck up, arty, black & white, “In love with myself” headshot – I really don’t know how they can refuse it.
I have 1 song by Darren Hayes and I've played it 2 times
I have 3 songs by David Bowie and I've played them 23 times
I have 16 song by David Gray and I've played them 93 times