Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Tuesday 09/10/07

As you know I sent an article to the London Paper on Saturday for them to publish in their reader/columnist feature. Because I can’t be bothered waiting for the London Paper to a) pull their finger out and b) realise my writing genius I am posting the article on here today.

It’s still a bit early and they might use it in the end (a friend whose article got in told me that they contacted him a week after he sent it), but I don’t care – I’m sure nobody from the London Paper reads my blog and even if they do and they see the article here and decide not to publish it for this reason I really am not bothered. You don’t get any money or prizes for it and as we all know I’m all about the money. And the prizes, if they’re nice.

My article is on Zone 1 in London vs. The Rest of the World (well, outer London anyway). It’s meant to be funny so please don’t start leaving comments knocking Zone 1 and defending life in Southfields or something – I am not serious in what I’ve written.

No actually I take that back – I’m dead serious and I’d rather lose 2 inches in height (and that’s some serious fucking commitment on my part) than move outside Zone 1*.

*Please note that I reserve the right to change my mind completely when I’m no longer able to afford this extortionate rent and move to Brent Cross.

“I would very much like those people who live outside Zone 1 to leave those of us who do, alone. It's very simple really – everyone always complains about London being very crowded and busy and hectic. Well how about everyone who lives outside Zone 1 just stays there? Permanently.

Most people blame the tourists for making it unbearable to get around central London in the daytime during any given week, but that is not really the problem. The worst overcrowding I see is on the way to work in the morning and I really don't think a few thousand German tourists wake up at 0730 on a daily basis, have their breakfast and then catch the tube to Liverpool Street en masse. No, this is caused by people travelling from Finchley, Leyton, Tooting or wherever it is they live outside the Circle Line "border" to go to work. I don't know if these places are real by the way, I'm just copying from a tube map; I haven't been there.

Even worse, some people come into Zone 1 to work when they don't live within a London postcode at all! I do not intend to ever visit Farnborough, St Albans or Maidstone, and I would be really grateful ifpeople living there wouldn't come into my vicinity either. Try getting a job there.

Apart from commuters we also have to suffer those who come to central London for a night out. But if you're renting a flat in Clapham and like this suburban, unruffled lifestyle so much, please stay there in the evening too.

We pay two or three times your rent to live in a decent central area with easy and quick access to work, entertainment and culture and would appreciate if you didn't overcrowd our territory.

In the last few years I have lived in XXX and XXX and worked in XXX and XXX. I have an ongoing competition with a friend who lives in Farringdon and works near Victoria, on who can stay within Zone 1 the longest (only trips to Heathrow Airport are allowed with the intention of traveling abroad of course). It might be nice if peripheral people would try something similar in staying out of central London. Because it's ours.

Alternatively we could just build a wall around Zone 1 – from Notting Hill to Aldgate and King's Cross to Waterloo – and leave the masses out; it's up to you."

They also ask to send a face picture with the article in case they publish it and this is the one I’ve sent.

So, combination of a) completely irrational aggressive rant attacking 97% of their audience and b) stuck up, arty, black & white, “In love with myself” headshot – I really don’t know how they can refuse it.

I have 1 song by Darren Hayes and I've played it 2 times
I have 3 songs by David Bowie and I've played them 23 times
I have 16 song by David Gray and I've played them 93 times


seahorse said...


someone got in for them big time.

Maybe Boris Johnson will do something about it..if he wins the post.

Nice one anyway.

nylon said...

Hi LP! I love it, hope it gets published, but either way, I hear you and couldn't agree more! I don't mind the rush hour that much, it's the mobbing of all the nice places in the weekends that I hate. Think Sanderson when it opened and now: day and night!

A physical barrier sounds right but isn't the best solution. Here in NY there are two rivers dividing us from the plebs and what do they do? They build *bridges* and *tunnels* for the poor/fat people to come in, not just from the other boroughs but from *another STATE* too. Can you believe that??? Disgraceful!

London Preppy said...

seahorse: I kinda like Boris you know...

nylon: Ha ha thanks! I guess other big cities have similar "problems" then eh?

Tim in Italy said...

1) I visit London 3 or 4 times a year and always stay in Zone 1. I'll try and stay out from underfoot.

2) The article was quite enjoyable. Keep writing! (Writers write, by the way, so why are you going to go back to school to become a CMT?)

3) Really enjoy the fashion pics.

4) Why are you still using the red blocks to cover your face? After the Aussilicious interview everybody knows what you look like down to ... well to be safe, let's say the several centimeters of you that were covered by a blue towel.

seahorse said...

thats why we want Giuliani to come run london for a year Andre...get it sorted out. build em bridges hell yeah. we got them tunnels already and the prices are the most expensive in world as is but it aint stoppin no one.

People stick together in this country. Not even a bombing will kill the infrastucture or ppls desire to move on.

Close knit society and will always remain so unless they tax us into the ground and fill them tunnels up.

seahorse said...

oops i meant Nylon not Andre...lol typo!!

DAMO said...

MMMMMMMMMmmm hhhmmmmmmm!

Hmmmm! What a good idea!
I think that a cull is well overdue!
Wipe out all of the outer peasants and enforce a curfew on anyone suspected of being working class!

Also there should be a name and shame board (kinda like a most wanted, except they are definately not wanted!) which contains a photo with traditional LP red square on face to avoid making people sick and their name and address.

Maybe stoneing them in public is a reasonable option too and shouldn't be ruled out.

Great to hear your article as I am a plebian from the North so I guess I wouldn't have the priviledge of those in zone 1, to read it otherwise. Though, one does agree! Keep the poor where they belong and let them know their limits!

Knight said...

Gees LP, that pic looks like one form high school LOL. You must be blessed with boyish looks! Ever get asked for ID when entering clubs? Hope I can still look like that when I am 27!

Trybaby said...

You should build a huge dome to encompass zone 1 and then pretty much gas everyone else.

Russell said...

Aren't you outnumbered here: Zone 1 (whatever that is) versus the rest?

Divide and conquer, I think.

You apparently need Tesco delivery staff, boutique salespersons etc so start with the easy targets: the non-working .... the geriatrics! Feel free to pass on to Boris my geriatric curfew idea.

george said...

you look really young...is that a really old pic?

culling sounds good.......george

The Balunky Journals said...

they say there's always a pinch of truth behind a joke....

Alex said...

This makes me chuckle. Partly because I am one of those people you want to block out. But I'm not sure londonpaper readers will get your humour. After all, it will be read by the same bored secretaries you rant about elsewhere. I suggest you start a fund to build the said wall. Can we also have an extra thick one around south london. It's a hole after all.

London Preppy said...

knight: Yeah I do look like an 18 year old. I did get ID'd until a couple of years ago definitely

george: The picture was taken last year!

trybaby / russell / alex: Brilliant - I'm glad my readers are as irrational as me :-)

balunky journals: Well yes of course, I didn't pull all this out of a hat. I do believe parts of it

Skip said...

it's the nastiest thing you've ever written. it's brilliant. The London Paper will never dare publish it.