Thursday 18/10/07

Now then. A reader mentioned my desk at work in the comments recently and how organized it must be. Admittedly, that is correct and I do my best to put people off talking to me by lining things up obsessively during the day. Here is a picture of my desk (and Fuzzy Logic sitting opposite me):



Now let’s take a closer look at the things I keep on the desk and the purpose they serve.

Left hand side of the desk.



1. The medicine corner. A selection of painkillers, allergy tablets, flu medicine, toothpaste in close proximity to toothbrush and err..white pepper. Popping pills every couple of hours contributes to people keeping their distance. Please note: Valium is carefully hidden in wallet and not on display on desk, as is prescription only and needs to stay away from wandering hands

2. Stationery. Carefully lined up and comprising highlighter pens in green and blue (sadly pink not available), stapler, staple refills and business cards. In 12 months I have only used the green highlighter pen twice out of all these items

3. Pile of papers for recycling bin. Scribbled on to show I’ve worked today

4. Voss bottled water. Completely pointless but essential. I’ve had it 2 days and 4 different people have already commented. Contributes to a mysterious image of privileged upbringing, impeccable taste and snobbery. It doesn’t matter if you grew up in a council estate – remember, it’s not where you’re from, it’s where you’re at. And you’re at your desk sipping £3 a-pop mineral water. That’s what your colleagues need to see

5. Big mess of tangled wires. Unfortunately I can’t control these so I’ve made my peace with them

6. Pen and mouse/mouse pad. They lead parallel lives. Literally.

7. Calculator and ruler. I haven’t found uses for the calculator yet but the ruler is essential in measuring distances between items / lining them up / keeping things in order
Right hand side of the desk.



8. Receipts. Please leave these to pile up for a few months before claiming your expenses. You can’t claim your expenses a few days, weeks or even months after they occur. What are you, poor? The desirable attitude to have is: “Oh. The company owes me £865.60 in expenses occurred over the last 4 months? I just hadn’t noticed”

9. Peanut butter. One of the three ingredients of the 11 o’clock snack. Bagel and apricot jam are kept in the fridge, naturally. Notice how hidden the peanut butter jar is. Under no circumstances should other people see that you allow such vile, fattening substances in your diet. Whilst making your bagel in the kitchen area at 1100, keep your eyes on the floor and ignore anyone who talks to you. Somebody will come up and say something like “ooh, that’s not very healthy, is it”. If they persist, lift your head up, lock eyes with them and say “Yes. I am trying to put on some weight around my waistline”. Lower your eyes to the spare tire around their waist (invariably there WILL be one) and walk away

10. Emergency chocolate. Also hidden. Not as important to conceal as the peanut butter though. You can be the quirky guy who doesn’t eat carbs, but stuffs his face with chocolate all day long. And still has a six pack. People don’t like that.

11. Chewing gum. Admittedly, a weakness in my landscape plan. I could utilize that corner a lot better.

12. Banana. Prominent spot – reinforces your healthy lifestyle. Reality is that it’s growing brown / rotting away, because it’s been there for 6 days as I hate bananas

13. I appear to have forgotten to include a circled “13” point in the picture. And I am certainly not going back to un-group all the items and do it all over again, so shut up

14. The Official Preppy Handbook. No desk is complete without it. Have a quick read when you need a break from work, now that you’ve been banned from the internet for excess usage

15. Louis Vuitton annual diary 2007. Personal – not business of course. Once again, mainly used to piss your colleagues off. Your boss should think: “I know how much we pay him, how the fuck can he afford to waste £270 on a bleeding diary”. Shows work that you don’t need them and have alternative sources of income they can only dream about (Daddy’s wallet, modeling, other business ventures, prostitution are all great options)

16. Current work. One of the two times the green highlighter pen has ever been used.

Finally, at some point this week I’m having a chat with American Girl about this guy at work who recently quit and walked out. The story goes that he got told off for something (being late all the time? I don’t know), snapped back at his boss, went back to his desk to collect his stuff and walked out. After hearing this story I try to imagine what I would need to collect from my desk if I were to walk out in a similar, highly dramatic way. I picture myself picking up the jar of peanut butter, copy of the Official Preppy Handbook, rotten banana, towel and some swimming shorts I keep under my desk and decide that this is just too ridiculous and I need to have some more serious belongings before I go ahead with this.

I have 2 songs by dEUS and I've played ithem 19 times
I have 1 song by Deux and I've played it 69 times
I have 1 song by Dexter and I've played it 4 times